Over 40 Years of Searching

[Wild Geese]

This is my first time here. This site was recommended in the book Complex PTSD:from surviving to thriving by Pete Walker. Both my parents and my older sister (all deceased) had some kind of borderline/narcissistic personality disorders.

I think I was saved in earliest childhood by being basically abandoned to the care of a very kind babysitter. By the time I was 3 or 4 she was gone.

My parents come from the generational trauma of extreme poverty, alcoholism, mental illness, incarcerations, violence and abuse on every level. I honor the fact they had a common goal and succeeded in rising above the poverty but it only served to mask the rest of the unhealed trauma and as they passed it on.

I took the freeze and fawn approaches for survival. To numb the pain I turned to drugs and alcohol in my teens. By 25 I hit my bottom and was able to get clean and sober and have remained so ever since.

I only recently understand how my childhood set me up to reach for abusive intimate relationships and "friendships" They felt like home.

After a 20-year marriage with 2 children I landed in a trauma center for 2 months. Because I had no physical bruises I had no idea I was being abused. Because my children were not beaten or sexually abused I had no idea they were being abused.

Now 6 years after returning from the trauma center and telling my now ex-husband I wanted a divorce I'm addressing my deepest wounds in EMDR therapy and I am so scared to say the secrets out loud to face how incredibly alone and defenseless I was as a child, that I am in and out of my freeze/dissociation phase. My inner critic is pulling out all the stops to get me to shove it all back down. But the wise old Chrome part of me is strong and holding space for my inner child to finally tell her truth, love and be loved in return.

Thank you for making this site available to be supportive and a witness on this journey of healing.

[bloomie]

Wild Geese - Welcome! I am so thankful you have trusted us with context of the experiences and relationships that bring you here.

I am in awe of the work you have done and just the bit I know of all you have overcome and continue to address and work through. It takes tremendous courage to be a change maker and to end generational trauma and brokenness such as you describe.

I look forward to supporting you as you continue on in a journey that is narrow and steep at times. It is so very good to know.. you are not alone! Keep coming back and sharing as you are able. It helps to lighten a heavy load!

[Wild Geese]

Thank you Bloomie for your warm words of welcome.

YES "a journey that is narrow and steep at times." and YES Again "It is so very good to know.. you are not alone!"

Your message encouraged me to feel hope.