He's Perfect

[Abigail.2025]

I am facing some bitter truths about my PD that I can no longer deny.

I have come to realize that the person in my life is a pathological liar. He rewrites history more convincingly than I can tell the truth. His ex-wife leaving him, his children estranging themselves — in his version, it was all their fault. Never his. He is always the innocent one.

Recently, I used another person as an example and asked him why people are such pathological liars. Not realizing I was describing him, he referenced what Scott Peck wrote in People of the Lie. The irony was staggering.

The most disturbing part is this: he claims his ex-wife used to tell him he was perfect. He refuses to take responsibility for any harm he has caused. If he hurts me and I am crying, telling him he is hurting me, he turns it around and says that I am the one hurting him. There is no remorse. No accountability whatsoever.

As long as he gets his way, that is all that matters. Other people are disposable. Except for his mother (the cult leader of the PD-family) and the family of origin.

The hardest part for me is carrying the anger—anger at being hurt and at not being able to protect myself with clear boundaries. When I married him, I thought we could communicate directly and honestly.  I can't safely confront his behavior because I depend on him financially. Living with someone you can't speak to directly or honestly creates a constant undercurrent of tension that never fully settles.

This is frightening to admit, but I remember living with my parents as a minor and how abusive they were toward me. When I confronted them about their behavior, they didn't reflect or apologize. They gloated. They acted as though they held all the power and told me that if I didn't like it, I could leave.

But they had never taught me the basic life skills I would have needed to support myself and actually do that. At the same time, they didn't want me to leave.

They were like my husband in one crucial way: neither of them would take responsibility for how they treated others. And somehow, I thought this man was a good guy, I went on to marry an abusive man.

Does anyone have any advice or understanding?

[Abigail.2025]

To help myself, I've been thinking back to my parents. If I had to do it all over again and couldn't avoid or leave them, I would choose to be grateful for what they did provide. Personality disorders aside, they gave me shelter, food, and safety while I lived under their roof. In my early adult years, I rebelled because I was tired of their behavior. But I've come to understand that the world can be far crueler than they ever were. The outside world does not care about you the way family does.

In that same sense, my husband does provide for me, and I believe I should acknowledge that.

What troubles me, however, is this: he is a pathological liar who rewrites his history to make himself appear better than he is. The constant lying frightens me.

Second, he has what I would call a cold form of empathy. It lacks warmth. If he truly had genuine empathy, he would not behave the way he does.

He does not take responsibility for his behavior. He must always be the good man, the morally superior one. There is no accountability.

The hardest part is that he seems to believe he will never face consequences for his actions. His failed marriage and estrangement from his daughters do not appear to affect him. His poor treatment of me, knowing I have nowhere to go, does not trouble him either.

And the painful truth is, he is getting away with it.

[GoodPesto]

Hi Abigail.2025,

I am sorry you're going through this. It is tough to admit that one ended up in an abusive relationship - again. It's unfortunately quite common for people who grew up with abusive parents, so you are not alone experiencing this.
From my perspective the anger you are carrying is justified and a healthy reaction to the mistreatment. To not be able to express it is a source of sickness (directly connected to depression, e.g.), so if you have the opportunity to take it to the woods and scream it out, take some classes in kick-boxing or similar, or at least vent to a friend or a professional what's happening to you could save you more trouble in the future.
I like the term you created, cold empathy, and I think I know what you are referring to. There are people who have intellectual knowledge, pretty brillant sometimes, of how people work and feel and use that.
There are some helpful tools on this website to manage life while interacting with abusive/toxic-to-you/PD people. You would find pathological lying among the typical traits, by the way.
Again, I am sorry you are waking up to this nightmare when you probably hoped for something warm, safe and comforting when you said "Yes". Take good care of yourself and be safe.

[1footouttadefog]

So sorry to read your posts.  I can feel the pain through your writing. 

I get that much of this is likely a slow and gradual coming to understand and at the same time much likely seems sudden and all at once.  This can shake the ground we stand on mentally and emotionally.

You are not alone, Out of the FOG is a great place to be at a time like this. The forum is not as busy but hang in there and the support you need will come.  Also read the posts from the past and find comfort and wisdom that way.  The tool box area is of great importance.

If you are not in physical danger where you should seek safety, then take comfort in knowing you don't have to make any drastic moves.  You can take time too learn and understand more and find tools and strategies that can help until you have found strength and clarity needed for decisions.

Very often the non in a PD relationship has neglected self care for the sake of fixing things, trying to please the partner, and due to the abuses often leaving them tired, isolated and hollowed out.

I encourage you to take holistic self care.  Physical, intellectual, emotional, social, spiritual psychological.  Take your person your humanity back a bit at a time.  Eat nice healthy things, take a walk or whatever is your thing.  Read or listen to something that is intellectually stimulating, take in art and music, seek out the company of friends, engage in your hobbies, practice your faith, go to social outings. Do or have your hair or nails done. 

It's my experience and many here over the years have indicated in there stories that when you come Out of the FOG, you go through a grief process.  This can be deep and prolonged because some of the dynamics of living with PD people have been part of who we are a very long time. 

Part of the grief will involved the time and opportunities and potentials lost to giving to the relationships. And that there are things about us that allowed us to stay and give more and more when others might not have.  It's a lot so the self care is important.

For me it was like i got off a wild rollercoaster after decades and realized the world and my peers had moved on.  I was trying all that time to pick up where I left off while the ride made it impossible because all my energy was spent staying in my seat and looking normal.  It came to me that I could start life fresh as a now decades older person and I did not have to go back to the past and come forward. This was a great relief.   I had to set about finding out who the now much older and not the same any longer me was. What I liked and what I wanted from life was to be discovered.

I can remember going to Barnes and Nobel and looking at different types of magazines and trying to decide what I liked. So many options but what was me, what fit and why. I was so hollowed out I did not know who the mid 40's me was. 25 years had blown by.

I remember the anger stage of my grief.  It was awful, I never thought I could be like that.  I pressed on and it passed.  I rebuilt my life.

I am at a place at almost 60 were I am rethinking things once more.

I hope you find the strength and wisdom you need going forward and that you find clarity to make the decisions needed and that you will soon be on a path to your best possible life.     

[Abigail.2025]

GoodPesto – thanks for replying. 
As for the anger, I'm not allowed to express it, even in a normal, civilized way, because he will accuse me of "abuse." It's maddening that he refuses to take accountability for anything.
How do I cope?
I talk to God. I tell Him about my struggles with my PD husband. At times, I find myself thinking that PDs exist as the devil's little helpers. When my anger gets bottled up, I start to feel hatred toward him. And when that hatred grows, I begin to wonder if my life would be better without him in it, even imagining what it would be like if he were suddenly gone.
That's the trap.
I sometimes think PDs are placed in good people's lives to provoke them into sin. Wishing someone dead is a sin. The more I allow myself to drift toward bitterness and resentment, the more those thoughts intensify. Then I realize I'm stepping outside God's will. And when that happens, I fear I will face consequences for my own wrongdoing.
So, I try to avoid the trap by not letting my anger consume me. I have to surrender my PD husband and his mother to God.
Every day, I ask God to shield me and guard my heart from the harm they can cause.
I will read your posts!

1footouttadefog – Thanks for replying.
The toolbox on this site is great.
Since I have poor health, I am doing exactly what you are listing. I will read your posts. Please write down your thoughts, one day you might want to write a book. I will buy a copy!

Both of you – God bless you for your help!