Insights into my own faults

[zad7242]

Just curious if anyone on here feels like they have learned much about their own faults and sins since being in a relationship with a PD partner? Many of my faults I knew about before I married so I can't blame them on her, but in many ways I feel like I have become the worst version of myself while I am with her. On one hand I try to be as thankful for this as possible. Maybe God had to put someone in my life like her for me to recognize my own anger, impatience, laziness, etc. I do look forward to continuing to work on myself. I try to be grateful that while she dramatically exaggerates and degrades me for my shortcomings, there is at least a grain of truth in her criticisms, which increases my self-knowledge.......

[Call Me Cordelia]

I take the perspective that God uses anything, anything, for good. Even our sins and others' sins. Truly the worst thing that could have ever happened was the Crucifixion, murdering God Himself. Deicide. And being God he of course could have prevented that. There was a "grain of truth" in that yes, He could have come down from the cross as those who mocked Him shouted. So we can fairly say that He willed to be subject to the abuse of the crowd and the soldiers. And we can fairly say that at least in His permissive will, he is allowing the current situation with your wife, insofar as He wills to respect human free will.

To return to the Passion, at no point did Our Blessed Lord say, "Ah, you know what, you have a point there!" or in any way made out that the abuse wasn't so bad, or points us to the perspective of the crowd to tell us anything useful about Himself. He stayed silent, did what He willed to do, and opened His mouth to offer forgiveness to the thief who asked for mercy. Big paraphrase of course, but I think valid.

Your wife isn't giving you any feedback that in any way compensates for what she's putting you and the children through. Implying that she's making you a saint in this way, that your job is to be GRATEFUL here, that she is making you the worst version of yourself, seems really twisted. Perhaps it's like a recovering addict being grateful for having hit that "rock bottom," but usually the gratitude comes after coming through it, not while he's approaching bottom still. What about the commonsense traditional view of avoiding bad companions and the near occasion of sin? You appear to be looking really really hard for the silver lining here. Self knowledge? Really? As if her view of you is valid?  As if you needed to be sorely provoked day in and day out to show you you have the capacity for anger? The grain of truth is certainly so small as to be not very valuable. The faults you mention are pretty universal among fallen humanity, and may not even be faults. We are not meant to be endlessly patient with anything that happens to us in most cases, and certainly when there is harm being done, for example. At best you have an extremely distorted mirror here, as you recognize, and that's what you're telling yourself to be grateful for? Really?

The point of the Crucifixion is the Resurrection. Suffering is permitted for it to be redeemed. Not assuaged with crumbs of false consolation. Crosses are carried but not forever, and for a purpose larger than the cross is. Where's the redemption for you here? He permits suffering only that He may work a greater good thereby. He can redeem even this.

Even Our Lord sweat blood before His arrest, because He knew it was going to be a fearful and horrible ordeal. But His divine love of course overcame the human fear. I'll continue to pray He does the same for you.

[Call Me Cordelia]

I'm sorry I thought this was the religious and spiritual discussion board. Since you were talking about God working through your wife and all that. So... you can translate that to secular language if you want, zad.

[zad7242]

No worry, I wasn't sure which forum to post it to. I decided it would be helpful to get either secular or spiritual thoughts on how difficult relationships can bring to light areas I need to work on in myself. I greatly appreciate the religious perspective since that is the most meaningful to me. take care.

[square]

Earlier in my relationship with my husband, the stress of the earlier outbursts (not as frequent or severe as later) revealed my own shortcomings. He didn't cause them but the circumstances revealed them.

As they got worse over a long time, I eventually tried to figure out how to fix things. One of the things I worked on was myself. I definitely am happy with the growth I had. I'm sure I have much more to work on still but the growth has already been well worthwhile for me, even if it wasn't able to fix the problems in the marriage.

[Lookin 2 B Free]

Thanks, Zad.  I'm in a relationship now with a loving, supportive person who is also not afraid to appropriately let me know when I'm doing something that bothers him, but not in a raging or demeaning way.  I feel highly motivated to work on myself for the betterment of myself and our relationship.  And it's easier because I trust his judgement which I could never do with PDex.

I'm a little over 6 yrs NC with PDex.  What I learned about myself as a result of that relationship:  I have enabler & people pleaser tendencies.  I spent most of my life feeling undeserving and treated myself that way by  not standing up for myself.  I have a history of abandoning the imperfect but precious person I am to please an abusive person.  I tend to be over tolerant of non-reciprocal relationships, people taking advantage of me and treating me as though we're unequal and I have little worth... which I believe is unhelpful for the other person as well as myself.  I sometimes use normal human imperfections, which I easily understand and forgive in others, to be hypercritical of myself.  We're all different, but these were big for me. 

I'm so glad to be in a trusting, loving relationship finally that helps me heal this stuff even more than being alone did.  I first learned this with friends, but now I am finally learning to take in the fact that the partner who loves me can deeply appreciate and value me, support me, be decent, trustworthy and respecful just as I am to him.  It's incredibly healing!  And may we all have healing !!!