How to deal with the guilt?

[cepnahu]

It's the same over and over again. I know I'm in the wrong many times too, but whenever we have a fight i crash out trying to make her understand my part and she never tries to, just goes on with her usual "you're right, i was wrong, im always wrong, even with your brother and father" and whatever else she can say that she's done everyone wrong and that everyone says she's the problem and it always guilts me. In the end she always tries to end it with that and say sorry and try to hug me to "calm down" the situation, but in reality she just says stuff that make me feel bad for her and guilty that i argued instead of just taking whatever she throws at me. No matter how much i try to brush it off, i feel extremely guilty and bad to the point that i feel like dying is the only way to fix both mine and her problems. I've always felt guilty for being here anyways, my own presence causes her distress sometimes and no matter how much im careful with what im saying/doing or how i function, it always ends up bad for her and sometimes i make it worse when i defend myself. Emotionally, it's getting really exhausting.

I know i can't do much to avoid these stuff, but what are some ways i can cope without punishing myself?

[Liketheducks]

FOG...fear, obligation, and guilt.   It sounds like you're in the absolute thick of it.   I'm so sorry.   Coping without punishing yourself?   Focus on you and your healing.   Recognizing that guilt trip is a good first step, albeit...a painful one.   Be mindful of what might be guilt or what might be shame.   Guilt is I regret doing what I was doing and making amends.   Shame is I feel like I am the worlds worst and I have to fix everything.     I feel like our parents created a lot of inherent shame in us.   

Take care of yourself.  Treat yourself with the kindness you would a friend going through a difficult time with their parent.   Grounding work, exercise.   Then think about what boundaries you can put in place for your mental health.   I.E....if mom is coming with the "I'm always wrong"....decide how you might deal with that.   Maybe if that comes up, taking a break...or just a time out.   That could look like tell her "I have to go, I'm getting upset...let's talk when we've had a chance reflect".

Hang in there

[mustard_seed]

I would try to set some boundaries around talking about the topics that trigger your guilt, if you can. That doesn't mean you verbalize those boundaries to your mom, you can just live them. If she brings up the topics, can you change the subject or have something come up suddenly that needs your attention? Can you refrain from bringing up the topics and keep things light? I know it's a lot harder to put into practice than it seems, though.

It is really hard to find freedom from this type of emotional enmeshment with other people's feelings and needs, to untangle what is true guilt from false guilt, to sort out what is ours and what is someone else's to deal with.

Do you have any self-care practices that help with these things? Have you tried journaling?

I would second what Liketheducks said about grounding work and exercise. If you can, carve out time in your day when you just do something good for your own mental health, to give yourself a little daylight and peace in your mind/nervous system.

So sorry you're going through this. False guilt especially can be a very heavy load. I deal with this with my own upd-mom and it's hard for me to be objective about my own situation. You're not alone!

[Rebel13]

Hi cepnahu, I'm so sorry you are having to struggle with this. They sure know how to get to us, don't they?

Something that is helping me a lot right now is a meditation that I like on the Insight Timer app. (I don't like a lot of meditations, they often sound fake or smarmy to me, but this one doesn't. It's pretty simple and down to earth.)

It is called the "3-Minute Self-Compassion Break" by Karena Neukirchner, and it is helping me respond to myself and my struggles with at least low-level compassion more often. Here is some of what she says, in case it helps you:

"Place your hand on your heart and ask yourself the following questions:  What if it is OK to feel this way right now? What if lots of people struggle like this sometimes? What if there is nothing wrong with me for feeling this way? What if my reaction here actually makes total sense in a way? What if I can soften my heart to myself in this moment exactly as it is? What would it feel like to acknowledge what I am already feeling right now, and love myself anyway? What if I can stop fighting with what is? What would it be like to just accept my feelings right now? What if I deserve compassion? And then just finishing this sentence: 'What if I deserve compassion because...?'"

I hope you can get some peace.