Unpdm moving

[Sojourner17]

Hi all,  I thought I'd update you on how things are percolating along (I'm using that term intentionally  ).  My unpdm decided a couple of weeks ago that she is going to move.  It's to a community in her home area and an extra 3 or so hours further away from me (around a 12hr drive give or take if it's driven w/o stopping).  It's a smart move all around and I'm genuinely happy for her as it's just much better all around physically, financially, everything.  She has support, family and people she grew up with there and everything is arranged right down to the hiring a moving company to move her belongings that she doesn't have to pay for. Honestly it's a dream in regards to the logistics of it all. 

At first when she told me she wanted us to come with our truck to take stuff I wanted/things she wanted to give us.  In talking I said maybe I could come help you move (bad move on my part!).  I was processing things outloud.     But the more I thought about it and looked at the logistics of it on our side the more I saw it's just not a possibility.  After talking it over with DH and praying and seeking guidance I do not feel released to go. 

So FFW to last night.  She wanted me to call to talk things over.  She told me she's giving me power of attorney.  She didn't ask, just told me.  This kind of set me off balance.  I tried to keep things going well but when I told her I could not come before she moved and really had no definite time frame as to when I could, it went downhill. 
She said there is something really wrong as I don't want to come there.  She brought up what happened at the funeral.  She said they took me out of school when needed.  That the boys can miss school and music lessons.  She needs my help and when it counts I'm not there for her. Other people were there for her at the funeral but not me and she needed my support. We are taking holidays to go to my husbands home country so I should be able to take days to go there. The boys can do schoolwork there as they are homeschooled. She's upset because I don't take accountability for what I said at the funeral.  When I said it was a tough day for me too she said we could have grieved together.  Then she went into my not talking to her about the estrangement.  I told her I needed to go and would call her on Saturday (our usual day).  She said I've had enough time and that I WILL talk about the estrangement on Saturday.  I said goodbye and hung up. 

I usually have prompt cards to reference when I talk to her but unfortunately I was out getting groceries so didn't have them. I've written a few more up now to hopefully help me out next time. 

[walking on broken glass]

Hi Sojourner!
Such good news about your mum's move. I hope it will feel like a weight off your shoulders when it happens.
I am sorry about the phone call. It is difficult when they catch us off guard. It's good that you stood your ground and refused to cave to her demands. So ironic that she is accusing you of not being there for her. 'We could have grieved together' means 'you could have listened to all my complaints about you and let me offload all my pain and difficult emotions'. Please remember that she is not the one who decides on what you are or are not ready to talk about. Do you want to discuss the estrangement with her? If not, you don't have to do it. If you feel bold, you can tell her that if she wants you to keep in touch with her, she should respect that you do not wish to talk about it and stop bringing it up. That you will stop the phone calls if she doesn't. As long as you give her vague answers and postpone it, she won't stop pushing.

[Sojourner17]

Yeah,  I'm really happy about the move as I was worried about her being in and taking care of the big house and yard on her own with all the labour it entails and all the stairs.  The other place will be so much better for her. 

I've written on my prompt cards the following "I don't want to talk about that so let's change the subject." If she pushes forward "ok, I guess this isn't a good day for us to catch up. Good bye." Then hang up. 

If she brings up what I said at the funeral say "I'm sorry you were hurt.  It was a very difficult day for me too" then change the subject.  If she continues say "I don't want to discuss it further so let's change the subject" if she continues end the call. 

Now the problem is I don't have many topics I can talk to her about without things slipping sideways.  I have a feeling convos are going to become very short. 

Thing is, if I could get there and back in a day and actually have time to help her pack/clean I would do it.  I'm just too far away.  Telling her this would just open up another can of worms bc she's not very thrilled with us living so far away. 

[walking on broken glass]

It sounds like you have a good plan in place! If the conversations end up being short, so be it. You don't owe her long phone conversations.

[Rebel13]

I agree, I think your prompt card messages sound great! Regarding not having much to talk about, can you tell her the plot of a TV show you watched or a book you read recently? The more boring the better.

[Sojourner17]

Hi all,  just an update.  I tried calling Saturday and she didn't answer so I left a message.  My husband is on board with me but he said I should have tried again yesterday.  He says I need to make sure I have a clean conscience and that I need to pick it up  a bit re:my side of the relationship.  My paraphrase not his exact words.  I get what he is trying to say and his reasoning for the counsel he's giving in regard to my side of things. 

I tried to call her again this morning on my drive to work.  She didn't answer so I left a message saying I was just wanting to check in on how she's doing and that I would try again after work. 

While at work I've been thinking about my side of things and writing down how I'd like the relationship to work.  I don't know if this is helpful or not but maybe it will help me keep up my side of things better. 

This is what I have so far. 


This is the type of relationship I would like:
-One that builds mutual respect
-One that allows for personal differences on preferences and points of view
-One where not every comment or action is viewed as a personal slight or attack.
-One where we are allowed to have feelings of disappointment and hurt but still hold to personal decisions on what we can and cannot do with our time.
-one where there is curiosity rather than jumping straight to hurt feelings and judgement.
-Having grace for one another and not assuming evil intent when the other does or says something that isn't liked or seems hurtful or wrong. 
-recognizing the others humanity and being an image bearer of God.
-being quick to forgive and listen with the intent to understand not to argue and use words to bring the other person down or try to force the other person to do what you want. 
-being willing to accept the limits of the other person without turning it into a personal attack or saying the reasons for the limit aren't valid or good enough.