My abusive addict narc brother and my abusive narc ex met in a bar ...

[JustKeepTrying]

Well not a bar but it probably did at some point. My brother entered acute hospice a few days ago. All the family gathered and I cut my vacation short to drive manically across the country to be there. For my niece.

My brother was pretty awful growing up and I was no contact with him for decades. But this is different. There is no going back from here. And I knew my parents would have wanted us to forgive and have mercy and all that. So I went.

Then my ex reached to a sibling and asked to see him. We have been divorced for years. Why? It was weird but not about me so I said little. But I did leave when he arrived and kept away. My other brother and sister shielded me and supported me and I was able to stay relatively balanced and frankly just shoveled every emotion deep. Told myself I would deal with later.

But today my brother was aggressive and angry and nasty and all those memories of his alcohol and drug fueled rants came rushing back. I know it's the situation and the pain drugs but so nasty and hateful and just awful. And then my ex asked to come back and visit.

So I left again.

And tonight I decided to go back one more time. Say goodbye. And leave. For good. I have done my duty and helped my niece and my younger brother cope and supported the family and that is all above the call so to speak.

I need to take care of myself now.

So I suppose that is growth. The entire situation is awful. Painful and everyone who has been with these men are walking traumas. The look on everyone's face across the family is the same - shell shock. I am grateful for my younger brother who kept grounding us and saying it's not about us - because we are looking at days not weeks. Hours if not days.

I didn't know who to turn to. Friends cluck their tongues. Family is different - while we all have been hurt and traumatized it is different as our relationships are different all around. And the swirl of emotion is real. I will never see my brother again. There is no hope for reconciliation or apologies or healing or anything like that. And with all that I learned here - I know that there never will be.

I found it so strange that he would visit. Twice. But that is his way. Make himself out to be the better person and visiting people in nursing homes is kind of a kick for him. Which is weird again. Like some kind of kink. I used to think it was kindness. But now I see as some kind of attention seeking - look at me I am visiting the sick - and what a good person to visit my ex's brother.

Okay. Thank you all for letting me share here. I have been doing so well. Just doing my thing and healing and enjoying life overall. Getting healthier everyday as I travel. Even been thinking of putting down roots. Which I never thought I would do.

But there is a part of me that doesn't want to run anymore. And that is I think another real sign of healing.

[Call Me Cordelia]

Big hugs to you, JustKeepTrying.

[bloomie]

JustKeepTrying - what love and compassion you have shown each of your family! Wow! And the perspective and acceptance of this difficult experience is grounded and inspiring as I read it.

I am just sad with you that this is how your brother's life is ending and how each family member has been impacted. I can imagine well how much your presence was/is a encouragement and support for your niece. What a gift to her and great cost to you!

As for your ex... drama seeking? You handled his visits with such dignity. Bravo! Sending thoughts of healing your way as you process this and recover!