SIL wants to visit

[Call Me Cordelia]

My DH has one sister. Growing up they never had much of a relationship. Didn't fight, but were more or less living their own lives in parallel and as young adults didn't really have anything in common and their parents completely brokered their relationship for them. I never really had any relationship with any of my in-laws. I never had a problem with my husband's sister, but we similarly had nothing in common.

Now, the children and I've been NC with all of them for 8 years. My MIL and FIL, but everybody else just kind of faded because all the relationships went through the parents. Dysfunctional, but apparently not uncommon.

For the last few years my husband has been (re?)kindling his relationship with his sister. He often travels to work in the city where she lives and they get together then. Outside of that they don't have much contact.

That's all fine, but now she wants to visit (across ocean) and see our kids. And me, I suppose.

I got a migraine right after this news. But is this not all super weird? There's not really a script here for what's the etiquette of reconnecting with nieces and nephews and sister-in-law you've always more or less ignored. It's almost as if she's coming out of hammerspace.

If it were just me, it wouldn't be such a huge deal, but I'm concerned about kids being invested in the idea of having an aunt. To this day I hear, "I wish I had a grandma," or similar. Not all the time, but enough. They have examples around them of close families and imagine they are missing out on that. And they are, but can't fix that. It's grief but it's clean. But here's a real life aunt suddenly wanting to show up? I was much more comfortable with the aunt who just wasn't interested.

I imagine she may be lonely and at a time in her life where she craves more stable connection. Mid-30s and single. Lives on a separate continent from all her family. I don't know. But the fact remains that I have no connection with her.

What would you do or say, O wise ones of Out of the FOG?

[NarcKiddo]

I guess much depends on the ages of your kids. Presumably they know the aunt exists, but their experience is that she may as well not for all the difference it makes to their lives. Much also depends on her reasons for wanting to connect. I guess I'd be asking DH what she has said about that. Because if you say to the kids "super disinterested auntie is going to be in the area and we may as well see her but she's likely to stay disinterested so don't get your hopes up" may not land if she turns up all gushy and sentimental and indicating a wish for future connection (which she may or may not follow through on).

My inclination, if the kids are younger than mid teens, would be to see the sister for dinner and keep the kids out of it full stop. If that goes well and the relationship with DH continues going well then maybe it can expand a bit to include you and the kids. I don't see anything wrong with a trial run.

Also, does she keep in touch with cards and small gifts for the kids on birthday and Christmas? Or has it been nothing - because that would factor into my thinking too.

I'd personally be curious about the reasons for her making this suggestion and I would want to find out more about whether anything had changed with her own relationship with her parents. I'm always suspicious of flying monkeys. However it does also seem reasonable for an adult to want a relationship with their sibling and sib's family that is not brokered by dysfunctional parents.

This could be a good thing - but I don't envy you the disruption, however you end up navigating it. Good luck.

[Call Me Cordelia]

Thank you, NarcKiddo. Yes, going slow and lowkey seems to be the theme amongst all the questions around reconnecting, and fixing adult relationships before involving kids.

It's been absolutely nothing. Zero contact. She sent me one small gift via my husband over the last eight years. That's it. Our kids range in age from mid teens to baby.

[walking on broken glass]

Hi Cordelia,
I understand your anxiety! It is someone about whom you know nothing, and you don't want to have entanglements if it's another PD person. Maybe you can mitigate your concerns by talking to your husband more about what she's like in his visits. Also, geographical distance will help with boundaries, if needed. At any rate, taking it slowly sounds like a good idea to me.

[Call Me Cordelia]

Thank you, WOBG. Yeah, I do feel sorry for my SIL somewhat, but she gets to make choices too. One step at a time and I can say no at any point. We agree that if any visit happens DH and I see her before the kids do, and he will have a clear boundary-setting conversation with her. She's seen some of the worst of the PD behavior in the family so this shouldn't be a surprise to her.

[bloomie]

Call Me Cordelia - catching up with you here. I am wondering if the visits between the two siblings has begun to feel like possibility and hope for more on your sil's part? And maybe, like you say, at a time in her life when she has the space around her away from family, to choose and establish something more connected with your husband and you all?

My biggest questions would be... how is your sil around your H? Are the visits a time of connecting with each centering around the in law family dynamics and happenings or have they begun to build a relationship that is more simply between the two of them? Is your sil a trustworthy, stable person in your H's experience? 

I also think your kiddos have such a stable family life that whatever you and your H choose about this you will support them and guide them wisely through it.

[Call Me Cordelia]

Well, my husband thinks that it's very likely my MIL found my son online because of something he said to SIL.  That will be a conversation.

I'm coming to realize there's a cost-benefit here, and even if she is this stable lovely person, the cost to me is going to be high. There's the anxiety of the lead-up, the visitation itself, and then whatever aftermath and self-care and decompressing to go through after. I'm just not going to be that perfectly healed Barbie doll smiling vapidly into the middle distance and letting all the triggers and fears simply wash over me while I don't feel a thing. This is a big ask for me. CPTSD sucks and it's not going to go away.

While my husband and I have talked about the effects of this visit on the kids... I think it's going to impact me a lot more than it will them. And it still takes me quite a bit to get around to thinking about myself!

Sounds like DH and SIL do spend a fair amount of time catching up on the family. DH is expressing again, "Yeah, I should call up aunt so-and-so, she's getting up in years..." Danger Will Robinson.

[mustard_seed]

Oh no, so with the back channel to MIL, is this turning into a flying monkey situation after all??

I'm so sorry you're having to deal with this. It sounds like it's already taking a toll on you and the visit hasn't happened yet. Are you able to change your mind about the visit, still??

I so hear you on the vapid healed barbie thing. I want to be her sometimes, and I have tried, but even if I pull it off, I feel the damage later. It's all so much energy. Energy that could be used in much better ways!!

I hope your husband is listening to you. I know he's been pushing for reconciliation with family members for awhile, and it sounds like he has rose colored glasses about it all.

Hope you are able to stick to the boundaries you need for protecting your mental health.

[Call Me Cordelia]

So long story short, I decided to speak with my SIL on the phone myself to get a read on her not filtered through my DH. I felt safe enough to do that. Of all the family, we really did not have conflict with her and she never took sides, told us what to do, or threatened any kind of cutting off or whatever. The siblings had just never really established a relationship of their own. Which, coming from where I do, I actually have understanding and compassion for that.

The call went much better than I was expecting, although I did not have high expectations or indeed any really defined ones, but I was pleasantly surprised. She expressed empathy for all that I had gone through on both sides of my family (and she'd seen some of the worst from her mother first hand). She shared that she had spent an extended period with her parents not that long ago, and she had been noticing some patterns. She also went through some specific trials in her own life which she briefly described and she has been going to therapy too. She's also become aware that in 10-20 years, very likely she will have no family left living except her brother, SIL, and neices and nephews, and she regrets not nurturing that relationship. She's been grateful that she's been able to see my husband so frequently, more than ever in their adult life. We have all had a bunch of life experience and maturity that we just didn't when our lives were dominated by the parents.

At one point, I did tear up, expressing that I had been comfortable and made my peace with just not having family in our life, and it was inevitably going to bring up some pain even though I didn't hold any ill-will against her. Her response was, "feel the feelings." We talked about her potential visit, and she was completely accepting of the boundaries I expressed: She doesn't sleep at our house, DH and I will meet with her before introducing kids and have some adult time, and I reserve the right to tap out at any point during the weekend. She even said, "One step at a time," and about taking things slowly unprompted by me and was overall very kind! So no, nothing like her mother. I've sat with this a few days before writing here, and I don't think I'm just falling for the rose colored glasses/hopeful fantasy. At the end of the day it's one visit and we will indeed go one step at a time. All three adults agree on that.

It's going to be absurd to keep her visiting us a complete secret, and I do worry a bit still about prompting the other family members to smell an opportunity for reentry, but at this point I'm feeling so what. I am capable of keeping things clean. She and my husband have discussed the "back channel" to MIL and he has since assertained that his sister did not in fact point my MIL to my son online. She knows our concerns, and well, time will tell. Overall our kids are safe. I'm taking a risk, and I don't have to, but I feel mostly at peace with seeing my SIL now.

[GoodPesto]

That's a great update CallMeCordelia. It sounds like you navigated this very well and will be rewarded with more peace around the upcoming visit. And who knows, maybe there will be a pleasent surprise at the end of this chapter. There was at least one inbetween and gosh, that's worth something in PD-ridden families. I am happy for you.

[Rebel13]

I'm so glad! It sounds like this might be a nice visit, and if not, that you have your head on straight and will deal with it as needed. I'm happy for you.

[bloomie]

This is a good first step report and I am thankful you see your and your family's needs in the midst of the visit and were able to make those clear! Thank you for updating here. It is inspiring to see and hear how you have handle this!