Hello

[notgoodenough]

Hello,

I am here because I seem to attract people with PD. My parents had narcissitic traits. Then I have been told my ex-husband likely had borderline. My current partner of 4 years seems to have OCPD. I realize this may seem like I am the problem or overexaggerating difficult behavior, but I have done so much therapy to be a good partner and good enough. Every therapist continues to tell me, while everyone has things to work on, I seek understanding and want to work on resolving the problems, therefore I am not the primary issue or PD myself.

I really thought I had done my due diligence with this relationship. He was a great friend and a supportive partner in the beginning. We discussed our vision of a healthy relationship and the things that were important to us in a partner. When we started living together everything changed. He is irritated and angry 90% of the time. It's like having this dark cloud move through the house, grunting and scowling at everyone.

He stonewalls and expects me to just know what is "right" because there is only one "right" way. He is extremely rigid and will not change his opinion or stance on anything despite all the evidence he is incorrect. Like to the point of absolute absurdity. For example he says the exhaust fan in the bathroom does nothing for airing out poop smell or that shifting from reverse to drive without fully stopping doesn't hurt the transmission of the vehicle. Literal experts have told him he is wrong and he will not believe them. He "jokes" he is perfect as well as morally and intellectually superior. He is constantly negative and very rarely has a nice thing to say. For example I got an unexpected refund of some kind, and his first thought was they should have direct deposited it. He "teases" me and embarasses me is social settings and uses this time to actually air what I do that is "ridiculous." I overanalyze, talk too much, over sensitive, and in general nothing I do or say is good enough. He withholds support, affection, and intimacy to punish me for whatever unknown offense I have committed. He cuts off all avenues of communication and refuses to hear or read anything. He also walks off mid-sentence when he feels whatever you are saying is unimportant. Then he gets mad I don't communicate things to him well enough. If I ask him to help with something around the house he acts like a petulant 13 yo boy eye rolls and foot stomping. He antagonizes me like I am his sister and intentionally does things he knows really bother me. He claims to love me, but is so mean to me sometimes and never is accountable or genuinely apologizes. When I bring up these things, with concrete evidence and say this has to change, he tells me I am being controlling and giving him ultimatums. I feel like I am just standing up for myself. If he does choke out a "sorry" or concedes with an "okay," it is just lip service. He will eventually explode with a vitriolic rant about how it is all really my fault. He is a constant paradox with double standards and whatever I do is never enough.

I have tried very hard to hear his complaints and work on them. I know I am not perfect, but my efforts are never enough. I tell him if I am so awful why is he even with me, and I get nothing. I am an intelligent and well respected professional in my own right, pay my own bills, and take care of my own kids. He resents that I don't serve him or make his lunch for him everyday. I make sure he has what he needs to make lunch and it all goes bad because he refuses to make himself lunch or even put leftovers in a container for himself. I do all the cooking, parenting, household management, work a highly demanding and stressful job, and struggle with my own health stuff and trauma stuff from all the other PD behavior I have dealt with throughout my life. During the summer he does the outside chores and feels this is his only responsibility. If he does do something he acts like it is a favor and not just being a part of the household or family.

His current behavior is a total 180 from how he used to be in the beginning. I do not understand how he doesn't see this or why he cannot see the facts or how his expectations of others are unfair. I feel like I am living on another planet or speaking another language. Nothing he says or does makes sense or is logical, yet he prides himself on being this logical efficient person. It all drives me so crazy that I lose it, and then I am the crazy bad guy. I feel like I am being used as his social currency. He is jerk in public and driving, but acts like he is mister nice from the country. I don't even know why he wants this because he presents so miserably.

I stay and keep trying to work on it and hope we will be important enough for him to realize that after 2 failed marriages and now a third serious relationship, that he might benefit from some growth. If I had known this is how he would be I wouldn't even have been his friend, let alone get into a relationship with him. He is good to my kids and they love him. He only treats me badly, but the kids are starting to notice as well. My previous marriage and divorce almost ended me. It has taken me years to dig out of that hole, and I feel myself slipping back in. I can not afford for that to happen again. I told him yesterday for the hundredth time this isn't working and I think we need to just part ways. I do love him, or the person he was in the beginning, but I can't keep waiting for that guy to come back. I keep asking him if he is so miserable why doesn't he leave, but then I realized I can end it too. His only response is to wander off and be angry that I am overreacting and being too sensitive. I think he is going to make me evict him, and again, I do not understand why it has to be that way. I really don't know what to do anymore. It's like talking to a brick wall or I feel like I screaming into the wind. I am just so frustrated and feel like I am constantly chasing my tail.

Anyway, that is my story. I appreciate you reading it if you stuck in there. I know I can talk too much. If you have any encouraging words I would appreciate them. I just feel like I don't know up from down anymore.

[xredshoesx]

welcome to the group @notgoodenough

first of all

you are good enough

i share a lot of parallels with your story, as a fellow person who was raised to be a pick me people pleaser/ doormat by my biological mother who raised me to be both an extension of her and a scapegoat for all her shortcomings.

i'm 54 and I haven't seen or spoken to her since I was 22 yet I still can hear her voice in my head in moments of weakness casting self doubt on everything I say/ do.  this voice made me try to fix my ex for way too long in an abusive relationship......

what I had to learn the hard way was that the only one I can change is me, and by using boundaries vs people pleasing/placating, I can better navigate relationships with difficult/ uPD/ PD people that I have no choice but to transact with while getting that voice the hell out of my head and life.

it is possible to be in a relationship with a partner with uPD/ PD and we have folks here who are the experts at navigating though the thick of it, just as we have other folks who are actively working on ending relationships with  uPD/PD people in their lives.

what do you want the outcome to be?  we can help you navigate the best path forward for you and your kiddos but it sounds like you are in a place where you aren't sure what you want to do next but  in that same space you are tired of the holding pattern you are in....

sending you strength and peace today.