In the first days of separating with a partner: confused, sad, lost

[HopefulbutScared]

I have been living with my partner of 10 years who was diagnosed and experiences life with BPD. I expressed my needs for the relationship, to be loved, to be honest and to never cheat on me or make me feel like their former partner. Life was mostly great and I supported her through her mental health journey until my own mental health started to suffer and I started to experience heavy burnout from life/work. We had our ups, we had our downs. As time went on, it seemed the fights where used to manipulate their desired behaviors from me, often at the expense of my own friends, family and hobbies.

We are both addicts. I say this because sobriety and honesty where things I needed to feel secure in our relationship and expressed this in couples counseling. A bombshell was dropped in my lap where I was forced to make a decision of letting them live with me while they started their sobriety journey (one which I started 10 years ago with her and thought she was on the wagon). Falling off the wheel happens, I can accept that. I'm struggling with lying about it for years. In that same breath they mentioned they had feelings for someone that they recently made multiple trips to see. It seemed like the only 2 requests I had in therapy for what I needed for us to have a successful marriage was betrayed. I don't have it in my heart to live with someone who has lied to me. I can't trust them about drinking (which would have been accepted by me with honesty) - then I can't trust that they didn't cheat on me. Being a survivor of rape, I could not move forward with something I no longer felt was safe and with someone I don't trust.

I'm writing this because I'm scared. I'm scared that I've made a terrible mistake as I thought I felt love in my life. I'm confused and feel like I have been lied to and potentially manipulated into being a person that I truly am not. I took the first steps yesterday to reach out to old friends who I haven't been in contact with for years. I'm making plans again to see them and just shoot the breeze like we did in the old days. For the first time in my life I feel there is space for my emotions and feelings. I feel like I don't have to constantly worry about how I feel and that I'm no longer prioritizing their care over myself.

I wake up each morning sobbing my eyes out still blaming myself for not being stronger and trying to meet them on their terms. I know deep down we probably aren't good for each other. I'm happy they are taking their journey through AA and planning on being celibate for a year. They haven't been single for most of their life and I think this could be a really great growing opportunity for them. I am planning on focusing on myself; but, I don't think I will ever be able to forgive or forget what they have done to me. It might be unhealthy for me to continue a friendship with them as much as I will feel like I'm losing an arm.

To everyone: I am in therapy for myself focusing Childhood Trauma, Sexual Abuse, Anxiety and Depression. My therapist and doctor are currently helping me navigate and find resources for potential undiagnosed neurodivergence for potentially being on the spectrum.

I have found social interactions throughout my life to be incredibly difficult. I often misunderstand what people say, take things to literally, struggle to focus or focus too hard on one thing and get unexplainably frustrated when I'm pulled away from my interests. I recognize this fact about me and will take 5-10 minutes to regulate my emotions before apologizing for my initial reaction, calming down and expressing my emotions.

There is a part of me that is concerned I may have been manipulated. I understand they may not have had clarity of mind and likely justified their decisions for how I was treated. I want to learn to forgive; but, understand that the violation of trust was too great for me to be able to live with them and treat them fairly.

[xredshoesx]

welcome to the group @HopefulbutScared


your forum handle says a lot- and I can see you are taking small but meaningful steps to reclaim you from the damage this relationship has done. 

i'm the child of addiction, and both of my parents used their DOC to mask/ hide / treat their own mental health issues.  I said for years I was better than both my parents bc I didn't drink/smoke/drug but what I didn't know at the time was I was addicted to being in a 'fixer' relationhip- in both my private life and my choice of profession I was hardcore co-dependent..... and I had to unlearn that behavior to help me get control of both choices I was making and setting better boundaries.   once a good friend helped me make the connection between being codependent and what I needed to fix in myself so I could thrive my life changed (and I was pushing 40 when a lot of this came to the surface)

there is light, love and hope here and I know with your sobriety journey you know how to put work in to get yourself back  be gentle with you today and we hope to hear back soon-

[HopefulbutScared]

Thank you. I feel seen and heard. I didn't know how much I needed to read this today.

You've mentioned co-dependency and setting boundaries which really hits home. I have recently started work within the last 2 months establishing boundaries and holding people accountable.

Honestly, these skills at work have been a life saver to help manage my workload and set good expectations.

However, it felt like every time I tried to use the skills in my personal life, I was largely unsuccessful. I've never quite understood what I was doing differently or why my boundaries seemed unreasonable to the other party.

Thank you for being here and replying on Easter.

Hearing your story gives me hope.