Dealing with contact and emotions

[sweet1987]

Hi everyone,

Long story short dealing with a undiagnosed BPD mum who has no real accountability, I used to stay home until 30 very codependent relationship I'm now 39 I went from low contact to more contact over the years and she reduced and stopped many of the behaviors, even tho not doing self work, recently the past year her behaviors have crept up again, emotional blackmail, love bombing, manipulation, shaming via messages, bombarding messages, all when she doesn't get her way or I don't agree or have a different opinion, and can't do something for her. She also has a disability and I'm down as her carer which I do want to build up enough courage to change, at the moment I try to get ppl in as opposed to doing the cleaning etc myself, and then I do appointments and other stuff but it's getting too much for me with my own health along with cptsd, also feel horrible triggers when going to family home.
I just feel so much guilt and sadness I feel I went through the grieving process before but now its like I have to do it all over against because I let her back in but or course she hasn't really changed. It's not as heavy as before which is why I didnt recognize it, it's more subtle now but still affects me. Trying address things just makes it worse shell just say I'm attacking her etc.

"How do I cope with guilt when you know your parent won't change?"

"How much contact is realistic when your parent is abusive but vulnerable?"

"How do you stop feeling responsible for your mum's emotions?"

[Fiasco]

The best time to deal with being noted somewhere as a caregiver to your PD parent is before they need any care at all. Do not start.

It sounds like you're not in the US (based on saying "mum") so I can't give you much advice but take some time to learn what your obligations are. In the US you can't just be designated someone's caregiver, you have to accept powers of attorney. And you have the right to say no I will not be doing that.

[Doglover95]

I'm gonna assume that your UK based from your writing.

You don't legally have to be her carer.
Being her carer and next of kin is different.

Also when it specifics carer it is a board range of what is included, for instance my partner is classified as my carer because I have ADHD and require support sometimes. But then I was down as my nans carer and she couldn't walk without a wheelchair but could function inside the house on her own. Don't have to do everything yourself, like I moved away from my nan and got someone to come in and take her out once a week then I would take her out once a month.

In regards to your three questions, I don't have the answer I don't like speaking to my mum because of how she behaves and when I do I get upset and then I wonder why I talk to her, I've made steps to help myself if I'm dealing with her... For instance my partner is aware of how my mum is and if I need to go over I tend to take my partner with me, for support and so I'm not alone with my mum, or if he's not available I see if I can call him and talk to him afterwards.

If I'm with the dog I talk to the dog about how she is with me after we've left or I talk to myself in the car on the drive home, I know she won't change, she doesn't care, I'm lucky that my family are slowly starting to see my mum for who she is, for instance my nan was 80 recently and I went up to see her but she asked I didn't tell my mum where I was because she didn't want my mum to turn up.

[Rebel13]

Hi sweet1987, sorry I missed this post before and only saw it because of Doglover95 bumping it (thanks Doglover!).

For the questions you ask, there are no easy answers. When I was still in contact with my mother, I did a lot of things I didn't want to, to keep the peace. Now that I am no-contact with her, it is much easier. I recently re-read my initial post here on the forum, and was very surprised to be reminded of how many things I did because she wanted me to. So I know it is a very hard place to be.

The truth is, you don't have to do anything you don't want to do. It's nice to be a generous, kind person who cares about and helps others. That's great with regular people who aren't overly demanding, entitled, and especially when they can be grateful and show support or do nice things for you in return. When someone isn't like that, all bets are off, for me. It sounds like you are already getting some help caring for your mom, which is great! Is it possible to do more of that? To hand over more and more things over time to others?

Regarding your questions, the emotional aspects of getting Out of the FOG are hard. One thing that helped me a lot was learning DBT skills. DBT teaches about distress tolerance and emotional regulation, and then proceeds on to interpersonal effectiveness skills. All of these are important to be able to think clearly and make logical decisions rather than deciding things based on your emotions being manipulated. In addition to the site I linked, there are lots of other sites, podcasts, and Facebook groups where you can learn about these skills.

I also like the Youtube channel Therapy in a Nutshell for learning specific skills to manage anxiety and deal with trauma.

Wishing you the best in figuring out how you want to handle your relationship with your mom!