Lost 20 pounds since I left the house

[Kuboja]

Hi Everyone.  I have other posts where I described moving out about a month ago. 

During that time, my wife has not eaten hardly anything and is not sleeping.   I assume this is a known behavior.   In her case, I am a bit worried as she only weighed 105 normally.  She is at 81 lbs and it is very noticeable. 

My son came home for Spring break, and I met him to play some pool, where he told me he was having to deal with her always being sad.   

On top of this, we have to have some repairs done to our home due to a water leak. 

I am now spending time between my apartment and home to make it more comfortable for my son.  During the time I went to eat with her and my son she has gained 8 lbs back in two days.....

To be clear, after the repairs are done to the home, I will be a gray rock again in my apartment.

My question is, how do people deal with behaviors like not eating or sleeping to a point where it will be physically damaging to her body? 

[GoodPesto]

Hi Kuboja,

what you describe about your wife sounds like pretty "neat" emotional blackmail to me: Stay or I will die. This could be a form of a suicidal gesture like it happens with PD people, especially when separation is on the table. Just in slow motion so to say. The way you describe it her behaviour around eating is directly connected to you being around her or being away from her. This is not healthy of course and I feel for your son who is in the midst of it all. Depending on how is built internally, I see a risk of him trying to become "the man of the house", a substitute for the vacant-becoming position of a partner (emotional abuse), or parenting her in any way (console her, trying to cheer her up e.g.) to make living at home more bearable. You must be busy with your own turmoil around separating which is why I feel like pointing this out, so you can keep it mind if you like.
Do you have a T who could support you through this time? To put life itself on the table is a heavy, if not the heaviest, weight and since a child is involved I think support for him could be worth considering too.
To me this looks like a pretty severe threat. I'd say do not fall for the role of the saviour not even for a bit(e). Suit up and step out of any Fear she might be endangering her health/life, out of the Obligation to do "your part" so she is eating, and the Guilt around not helping her or appearing to be the cause of this or you are trapped. Take care of your kid instead.
Maybe calling a hospital to talk about the situation and to get an idea when it would be justified to admit her (psych ward e.g.) could be helpful, too.
Also, if your wife has a history of suffering from an eating disorder this could be a reactivation of it due to the stress around the separation. But not much would change in that changed frame: Disengage, protect yourself and your son.
She would in both cases be metaphorically and energetically fed by the worry caused and would need to realise she needs professional help if she likes to continue living on.
Best wishes

Edit to add: I just realized I left out the sleep deprivation in my reply. It makes the theory of a (unconscious even maybe) threat more likely. It may sound cruel but I think the best would be to not overtly notice the loss of weight, bag under her eyes, etc. I am positive this is a way to get to you and if you take her out to eat and notice her weight gain she has been successful with her self-destructive behaviour and you are at least getting close to enabling it. Talking to a health professional about this seems like a reasonable step to me. Hope this makes sense

[square]

It's interesting that the effects of her not eating, regardless of how much or how little control she has over that itself, has been made into your responsibility, and your son's.

I notice you gave specific weights. This tells me that she told you (or maybe your son) specific weights. Perhaps those weights are true, perhaps they are exaggerations, I don't know. (By the way, she did not gain 8 pounds of body mass, as in fat or muscle, in 2 days unless she ate 28,000 extra calories. That would be a water weight gain. But that's not really important either way...)

But if you are concerned that she is in danger (and 81 pounds is dangerous, if she is in normal height range), you could call her therapist or doctor, or you could call 911 or local mental health service and ask for a wellness check for a mental health episode involving self neglect/eating disorder. This is something you can do without getting further involved, beyond picking your son up if he is in her care at that time.

Your son needs your help. You can ask him how things are going, and ask he answers, you can express that he not only is not responsible for fixing his mom's problems, he physically cannot do it no matter how hard he tries. That he is a child and she is an adult. If a therapist or doctor is overseeing this situation, you can assure him that the professionals are the ones to address this, though of course also his mom has choices of her own. Does your son get therapy? Are you in a place where you are taking him half the time or are you in a hotel or something right now? If you don't him half the time right now, it's a huge priority to get that sorted.

Do you have an attorney? You can also discuss this situation with them. This raises big questions about whether 50/50 custody is appropriate right now, perhaps you need to have main or full custody.

This sucks, I'm sorry.

[SeaBreeze]

There are a few posts on here from other members about the "medical hoover". The first few months after I left ex-uNPDh, he neglected a chronic health issue. He finally called me to tell me that he was very ill and he ended up going to the hospital (at my encouragement). But encouraging him to go to the hospital was the best I could do, as I am not a doctor. I did find myself offering some unsolicited advice, including that he seek psychological help as well, but then reminded myself, again, I was not a doctor, or a therapist, AND that I was no longer living with ex as his spouse. Whether your stbx is intentionally or unintentionally avoiding food, you cannot fix it. That doesn't mean you can't still feel empathy for her, but honestly, It is up to her to seek help for both her physical health and emotional health. (In my opinion if course!)

[SeaBreeze]

(ETA my perspective is from an empty nester. I would definitely step in where your minor son is concerned to ensure his needs are met. Such as taking him full-time if your stbx needs to be hospitalized.)

[Kuboja]

Thank you all so much for all of the awesome advice.

Sorry for the delayed response!

@GoodPesto your insights are very enlightening for me.  Me taking her to eat were/are enabling her behavior, I was too sucked into feeling sorry for her.  My son is extremely emotionally intelligent for a teenager which helps a lot.  He lives on Campus so does not have to live in the home except for vacations and Summer break maybe. 

@Square  Great insight as well!  My son is a full time student at A&M and lives on campus.  He does not come home much, but when he does he spends his free time between me an my wife equally.  We had some awesome times out playing pool and going out to eat while he was down over spring break.  Due to his course load this semester he does not have much spare time even on spring break, but that went very well.

@SeaBreeze "But encouraging him to go to the hospital was the best I could do, as I am not a doctor. I did find myself offering some unsolicited advice, including that he seek psychological help as well, but then reminded myself, again, I was not a doctor, or a therapist, AND that I was no longer living with ex as his spouse."  This specifically will help me when this happens next time, thank you!

Current update: She appears to have totally changed herself (I know this is only a temporary behavior most likely) She has a counselor and is going out more along with eating normally.  She has become a cleaning machine in the house and it is cleaner than it has ever been. 

I am still living in my apartment but did cave in two times feeling sorry for her and watched a movie, ate dinner, and stayed at the house for the night.  I did leave in the morning.

Currently I am struggling internally with actually 'pulling the trigger' and going back to being a gray stone (only text contact).  She did find out where my new apartment is but has not come to it as of yet..... but that is scary if I do cut off communications.

I was thinking to just take a week or two vacation by myself and practice mindfulness in the nature while cutting off all communication during this time.

Any ideas or suggestions on how I can push myself into this... It seems I am more hesitant due to what I am assuming will happen.  Probably getting a lawyer should be my first step.....