Dropping the Burden of a Sad, Mentally Ill Mother.

[RunningRiver]

I would like to share my thoughts on how I have arrived here today, reasonably sane and peaceful in spite of being the daughter of, I believe, a woman with the traits and behaviours which indicate a personality disorder. 

I am old. 67.    LOL. I relish where I am. I feel free, I feel young inside and I still have enthusiasm for my life. In my profile you can read more about my old mum who is now in an aged care home.

Yes she is worse than ever now that a tinge of dementia over shadows the evil flowers of her narcissistic self. Perhaps she is classifiable under other categories, but only a professional could make sense of all that. If she ever agreed to see one. If she ever reflected on her human flaws and owned up to them. She never, yes never, will. I have accepted that. She will not feel light and free this side of the veil.

She can still enjoy good coffee though and when I visit her we can share a fragile moment of togetherness then. Mainly because she can't talk and drink at the same time. 

Then I leave. Quickly after a quick hug. Before she starts up with her complaining and criticising, her baiting. My dad once called her a "bear baiter". For the way she delighted in provoking people and even her dogs into anger. She then blamed people for being sensitive. She screeched  at the bewildered dogs.    He died a broken man.

I go to the shops and buy myself a treat. To help with the nasty feelings of anxiety and anger which rise up in me. They die down again.

On Tuesday morning I phone her. She answers with one of her querulous voices. Exaggerated, pompous, condescending. Depending on her outlook when she sees who the caller is. I am either Toooo early. Or later than I said I would call. Nothing is ever simple or easy if she can twist it. Ouch. I try to sound cheerful, ask her what she has been up to. I don't tell her much of what I am doing. He he. We all know how she will use personal info against us, don't we? Lying. Smearing. Belittling.

I Gray Rock the brief call, keeping my back to the wall. 10 minutes or so.

And then I turn my thoughts, like wild horses sometimes, to the pleasant plans I have for my day.

I remind myself that my sister, aunt and I have done what we can for her. We continue to oversee her care at the hands of professionals.

Remember that your soul is already Free. Blessed Be.

[Rebel13]

This is so beautiful! I love that you say that you "relish" where you are, you feel free and young inside and still have enthusiasm for life. I hope I get there. I'm just two years into treatment for the trauma of growing up with a mom like yours, 2.5 years out from cancer surgery, struggling with menopause. Many more days than I would like, seem like a slog, and I feel like a fussy baby way too often. You're giving me hope! Thank you and I'm happy for you.