Pulling the trigger on Divorce

Kuboja · April 17, 2026, 01:13:52 PM

Current update: She appears to have totally changed herself (I know this is only a temporary behavior most likely) She has a counselor and is going out more along with eating normally. She has become a cleaning machine in the house and it is cleaner than it has ever been.

I am still living in my apartment but did cave in two times feeling sorry for her and watched a movie, ate dinner, and stayed at the house for the night. I did leave in the morning.

Currently I am struggling internally with actually 'pulling the trigger' and going back to being a gray stone (only text contact). She did find out where my new apartment is but has not come to it as of yet..... but that is scary if I do cut off communications.

Any ideas or suggestions on how I can push myself into this... It seems I am more hesitant due to what I am assuming will happen. I have a lawyer now and ready to go.

Is there anyway she actually changed? I think she believes she changed, but from experience I know she will revert back after a while.

Very frustrating

Rebel13 · April 17, 2026, 01:27:57 PM

Hi Kuboja, thanks for letting us know how you are doing.

If you can, I might take a few deep breaths. You don't HAVE to do anything. It sounds like the status quo is OK -- your wife is OK, you are OK, you have your separate space.

If you want to put a hold on the divorce while you "watchfully wait," you can.

If you feel right going forward, you can. Being divorced doesn't mean you can't continue spending time together, in whatever way is comfortable. Of course, she may not see it that way.

If your wife really has changed, that will become apparent over time. Also the opposite -- she might revert to her prior behavior. I personally think that is more likely, but I don't know her.

Meanwhile, you can spend time together if that seems nice and enjoyable to you, and if it doesn't, you have your own apartment and plans in place to change the relationship status. You can probably hit "Go" on the divorce filing anytime. Maybe your lawyer can advise you on whether that's true.

Best of luck and take good care of you.

Poison Ivy · April 17, 2026, 03:58:10 PM

I agree with Rebel13.

square · April 17, 2026, 08:55:09 PM

You mentioned seeing her because you felt sorry for her. How did the visits go from your point of view? Were you glad to see your wife, did you have a calmer visit with her behaving better? Or did you just go because you felt obligated to keep her from self harm?

Furthermore, what are the stakes for you? If a visit goes sideways, will you feel like "ugh, that did not work out" or will you feel destroyed inside?

If you still feel a connection to your wife, and visits are going more calmly, and you feel you can emotionally handle a potential setback, you don't have outside pressure to move forward. You could just see how it goes, and be slow and careful and measured about it.

But if you are dreading the visits, only doing them for her sake, feeling stressed about contact, or feel like a setback will be a stab to the heart - you can decide that you're done right now, regardless of whether she may or may not have changed. You can decide that the changes are "too little, too late." You also don't need a crystal ball to know if she's "really" changed or not, you can decide that the trust is gone. You can pull the trigger based on the damage that has already been caused by the marriage and you don't owe her yet another chance.

It's hard for anybody to make really significant changes, and that difficulty is exponentially higher with a personality disorder. I think that sometimes a few people might make some limited changes to their behavior. They can't cure themselves of a personality disorder, though, and their thinking will remain disordered.

While I went through the hard times with my husband, I made some changes of my own to myself. I did hope that the changes would improve our marriage, and they did in fact have some positive effect. But even though I hoped the changes to myself would help our marriage, I didn't do it only to change my husband. I wanted to do better, to be better. So even though I am now separated from him, I have kept the improvements I made.

If your wife has only changed in order to change your behavior (make you stay), the changes are not going to be sustainable.

Rebel13 · April 18, 2026, 12:00:00 PM

Quote from: square on April 17, 2026, 08:55:09 PMYou can decide that the changes are "too little, too late." You also don't need a crystal ball to know if she's "really" changed or not, you can decide that the trust is gone. You can pull the trigger based on the damage that has already been caused by the marriage and you don't owe her yet another chance.

So true, square. Sometimes things that are broken can't be fixed.

escapingman · April 27, 2026, 09:25:30 AM

When I dropped the Divorce letter in my ex wifes hand she changed, I gave her a last chance with couples counselling knowing for well it wouldn't last. I was right and two months later it was back to "normal" but this time with even worse behaviour.

Kuboja · April 28, 2026, 11:16:23 AM

Thanks to all the help on this.

Quote from: square on April 17, 2026, 08:55:09 PMYou mentioned seeing her because you felt sorry for her. How did the visits go from your point of view? Were you glad to see your wife, did you have a calmer visit with her behaving better? Or did you just go because you felt obligated to keep her from self harm?

The visits are not comfortable for me at all. She is very nice, keeps saying she cannot go forward without me. Occasionally, she will slip up and say stuff like 'who are you texting' and ask to see my phone. This is a big sign for me that she will continue with the behavior. The self harm is not the motivation for me to go back, actually I go back because I feel sorry for her, but i know this is not good either. I get really angry now when she is being affectionate over and over to me. She massages my hands and keeps trying to be the wonderful wife... but I know deep down it will not last.

Quote from: square on April 17, 2026, 08:55:09 PMFurthermore, what are the stakes for you? If a visit goes sideways, will you feel like "ugh, that did not work out" or will you feel destroyed inside?

When a visit goes sideways she will absolutely try to hold me home physically by blocking me or holding my arm. She is 85 lbs, I am 180..... I will not hurt her, but if I pull my arm away physically or push her out of my way she flies. I cannot take this. I do not by any means feel destroyed inside.

Quote from: square on April 17, 2026, 08:55:09 PMIf you still feel a connection to your wife, and visits are going more calmly, and you feel you can emotionally handle a potential setback, you don't have outside pressure to move forward. You could just see how it goes, and be slow and careful and measured about it.

This is what I am trying to do, but deep down I don't feel I can change to accept her behavior.

Quote from: square on April 17, 2026, 08:55:09 PMBut if you are dreading the visits, only doing them for her sake, feeling stressed about contact, or feel like a setback will be a stab to the heart - you can decide that you're done right now, regardless of whether she may or may not have changed. You can decide that the changes are "too little, too late." You also don't need a crystal ball to know if she's "really" changed or not, you can decide that the trust is gone. You can pull the trigger based on the damage that has already been caused by the marriage and you don't owe her yet another chance.

Very good points.

Rebel13 · April 28, 2026, 02:18:08 PM

Thank you for the update!

I will just say, regarding your "feeling sorry" for your wife -- I don't know her, so I could be wrong about this in her specific case, but in general these types of people are VERY GOOD at finding others to fill their needs, when/if a relationship ends. So even if you can't convince yourself that it's not your responsibility to fix her or take care of her, you might be able to think about it in that way. She will be sad and hurt for a while, especially if she thinks it will keep you engaged with her, but it's pretty likely she'll move on to a friend, family member, or new partner when she realizes you are not going to resume the relationship.

You deserve peace and freedom if that is what you want.

MaxedOut · April 28, 2026, 10:40:15 PM

Agree with Rebel13. I'd also add that this is concerning: "When a visit goes sideways she will absolutely try to hold me home physically by blocking me or holding my arm. She is 85 lbs, I am 180..... I will not hurt her, but if I pull my arm away physically or push her out of my way she flies."

I could see something like this get perceived as, or used to threatened you if you leave, to or actually report you for assault and as being an aggressor. The book Splitting is a good look at dynamics that can occur in separating/divorcing from someone with PD.