Systems therapy

[Deborah]

Looking for advice. Backstory: single mum. Teen son. Ex was diagnosed autism, callous unemotional traits and suspected sociopathy. Refused further testing in court (for obvious reasons). Loads of coercive control. Was denied custody and visitation. Which is still a miracle to me. My kid was safe.

Except...I collapsed when he was safe and the pressure was gone. Parents used that to take in my child. Threatened to prevent him placed in a foster family I sought out. Could not do a round two. Never managed to get back my mental health and child. He is here a few days a week by day. But I was so broken that I could not be the mum I wanted to be. Not out of malice. But despair... a mum who is panicking or depressed is not good for a child either. The hurt to my child was just.. I was stupid and could not get up.

Mum died. Dad...has two sides... sweet and cruel. As I see it, his cruel side keeps me ill. And his sweet side is worried. And they do not talk in his head. He keeps it away from himself. If that makes sense. He uses all the fun stuff... stonewalling, gaslighting, parental alientation, smear campaign, etc on me. Kid is rather a golden child. Which I find worse. However bad that sounds. He is spoiled. But the bond with me... the bond with healthy people I wanted to connect him to...all the deeper values I wanted to teach him... everything I found important for his sake.. is undermined. He is claimed in a way that is not healthy. He is happy on surface level. But I worry.

Faith is really important to me and spirituality... and every attempt to teach him is undermined. Especially values that can help him see through... and connect... belief in God, truth, loving connection with others, empathy for vulnerable people, acceptance of differences, etc. And when I try teach him to go against things like superficial lust/success/greed/digital addiction. Just everything is destroyed so subtly... that it is worse than the brute force of my ex. It looks so loving. And it is so planned. And I am still not 100% convinced I am not the bad guy in the story. Because I had a billion trauma responses.

Stupid things lately. CPS wants us to do systems therapy. Dad proposed someone. Dad manipulated the whole session. I panicked. I responded by calling out his manipulation and the narcissism in the family. Therapist was telling me to trust my dad, because he was obviously doing so much for me when I was "ill". I just panicked. Got a conclusion by the therapist.. that he complimented dad on being there... but dad got accusatins thrown at him... that he had a personal problem...and manipulated.. and then he disconnected within him self. Oh fun detail: therapist said a few small things in the first conversation....that made a "is he narcissistic?" flash through my mind.

I told him I gave a signal of abuse. And it is not me being honest about that, to help the family.. that is the problem. But the abuse itself. Nothing in return.

1.  I'm afraid this is someone dad picked for a reason. And who will help him manipulate us more. Or report to CPS. Now what?
2.  Dad made the creepiest remark back home. I said he was manipulating us. He behaved like my ex. He said with a smirk: "I am being trained". WTH? What am I supposed to think of that? He has therapy for himself now...and I am thinking: does he see this as training to abuse us better??
3.  I do not know what to do with the genuine kind things dad does. They are almost more damaging in combination with the abuse...because it confuses me majorly still.

[Deborah]

OK. Sorry. Freaked out. Calmed down.

What actually happened. I have tried getting help a billion times. Every single time dad plays mind games. Convinces the therapist. And I am being blamed. And the more I try to set things straight. The more they think I am being mean.

Example: reported to earlier therapist dad had beaten me to the ground. Dad denied. I had proof. They said I should respect his truth. Because everyone has a different truth. And that is all okay. And it was not nice of me to tell them this. They then wished him - not me - a lot of strength to deal with this.

So it's sensitive. Therapist was not as bad as I thought. Responded well to me. We both agree systems therapy is nonsense. And private therapy is better. If CPS forces systems therapy they are foolish. It doesn't work. Dad lies. I panic. Nobody benefits at all. Focus back on me and kid.