Loving all of myselves

[Sunflower79]

I tried a thought experiment that turned out to be really helpful and thought someone here might benefit.  I had this idea after doing extensive work in therapy with Internal Family Systems. This is something I thought up and did on my own, outside of therapy after I'd been thinking about my 21-year-old self and how much she did for me, but how mean she was.  She needed a hug from grown me so I went and got her to tell her thank you and that we turned out all right. That experience is what started this thought experiment.

Basically, I started where I was and went to "meet" each of my younger selves, starting with the newest "last self" and ending with infant me.  I'd imagine where I lived, what I looked like, what my internal state was, and other key aspects of each successive self.  I'd imagine present me knocking on their door and meeting them outside, introducing myself, asking if there was anything they needed to hear from me, and then I'd give them a big hug. Then I'd take my present self and that newly met old self along to meet the next version. I did this all the way back to my infant self, where at that time there were maybe 10 or 12 of us. (I hope this is making sense!) We all took a turn holding infant us, playing with toddler and child us, listening to teen us, and letting all of us get to know each other.  It was a really beautiful experience, and I'd recommend doing it when you have the time and emotional capacity. 

I'd be interested to hear about what it was like if you end up doing it!

<3 Sunflower

[bloomie]

Sunflower79, this sounds like quite a journey you have taken. Thank you for sharing this. It is something I am contemplating and it seems it was a positive experience for you. I am inspired.

[hhaw]

🌻

If you don't mind my asking, what kinds of therapy does your therapist practice?

My therapist is a trauma informed therapist, with many tools in her toolbox, with focus on parts work, and somatic practices.....going in through the body.

The parts work you've done is amazing healing stuff, IME. I'm blown away.  Well done.

If this helps....I found all my younger selves were either wounded or protective parts.  Often, when working with a part in session, we'd go back to that part's place in time, and rescue them..... however that needed to be.  We made it so.

Early on I found my happy place....a tomato garden at my first little house. 

After 7 years of therapy, I have all my younger selves safely placed in the tomato garden village with a playground and bonfire...the younger selves are cared for by the older ones....one of my favorite late elderly lady friends lives there now too.... she's delighted to meet each new little soul.

I occasionally still ask a struggling part, when she comes up, to become my allie in creative problem solving difficulties and feelings.

Your post is a reminder to visit my garden....collect fragrant warm tomatoes in the sunshine, and dance/fly around the bonfire with older selves.....check in with all the little hearts.

Lately, I'm giving my peaceful 4yo self permission, and space, to remember who she was born to be.

Sitting in nonjudgmental awareness, consistently, is a trick I'm working hard to master.

[NarcKiddo]

This is a lovely idea. I may try it at some point. Right now I have only identified two younger selves that make themselves known. Little NK is somewhere between 5 and 8 depending on the situation. Teenage NK is 15-21 depending on the situation. Little NK is mostly comfortable with me now. Teen NK is struggling and I am struggling with her. She is the one in charge of dissociating me and we have had fights about that, most recently last week when she tried to dissociate me in a therapy session but I noticed in time and wouldn't let her. I think I need to spend a lot more time with Teen NK before she is in any way trusting that I can look after her and Little NK.

[Sunflower79]

bloomie- thank you. It seemed like a natural progression of the IFS we were working out in therapy. Would love to know about your experience if you ever decide to do it.


hhaw, I love this so much.  Your tomato garden seems like such a lovely, calm, and safe place for yourselves to be.  Lol, I wanna go there! I love that you ask them to help you solve problems with you.  That's such a great idea and I'm going to try that. Sometimes I imagine that I'm driving a bus and when I'm regulated and calm, my highest self is driving, and all of my past selves are happily riding along. When I become dysregulated one of my past selves tries to drive (and sometimes does!) and I have to remind them and say "hey babe, I've got this. Thank you so much for looking out for us and doing your best to protect us. I've got this now and you can trust me to make a good decision, please go sit down."

Re: my therapy.  My journey ended several years ago but I had two different therapists who were of enormous help.  The first I saw every week for three years and we got through all of the "big things"- she used CBH, IFS, was trauma informed, and we did EMDR together. She is my hero.  My other therapist was also trauma informed and used CBT and we worked out the kinks- she was also incredible.  What would I ever do without other women? 


NarkKiddo- I read a meme one time about how your inner child just wants a hug but that your inner teen just wants REVENGE. I think you are so brave for recognizing her. It's so amazing to me that no matter what terrible coping mechanisms we had, that they still got us through- that's so bada$$.

Wishing all of you luck and love.  Sending hugs to all of us and all of our selves. <3

[hhaw]

Sunflower:  To be blessed with 2 outstanding therapists!  That's amazing.

About parts work.... it was sea change, for me, when my therapist said all parts belong....all parts are welcome. Who knew!?!?

I remember thinking certain aspects of myself neeeeeeded to be banished, altered, locked away, but really....
discovering, embracing, reassuring, and making those parts feel safe...
safe enough for them to understand there's a grown up part, capable of protecting them and current self with boundaries....became the mission. Sometimes the parts simply aren't aware there's now a grown up self, capable of protecting them, so they may retire and rest....always belonging.

Learning to be calmly assertive, isn't pretty, but it's possible.

Learning to mindfully discern....in all things....might be more about inhabiting one's worthiness to put self first....
maybe?

All processes need to be noticed.  and practiced, IME. Even 80yo monks still "practice.". There's no perfectly way to be.  Only less suffering, IME.....and practicing suffering less.

The actual work, of integrating one's brain/calming biochemistry/engaging the Parasympathetic Nervous System (PNS) can happen in milliseconds, IME.
THAT is what the brain does, IF given the chance, by calming the brain and bringing all hemispheres online.... integrating the brain.

Trauma/survival/reptilian brain can't process trauma.....trauma gets stuck bouncing around in the limbic system.  Processing it into historic files requires calming the brain, and addressing trauma with entire brain on board..... and Poof!  Processing happens. Like magic, but really just a process one can learn, practice cand hopefully, become very familiar with, and what becomes habit becomes pleasure, IME.

The reactive brain pathways are lightening fast, bc they're covered in myelin/fatty coating/brain's white matter. Electrical signals happen before awareness kicks in.

The trick is to notice reactivity, cultivate a split second BEFORE our brains go down those reactive rabbit holes, in order to restore choice. 

Restoring choice means we have a moment to see/consider reactivity/thick/fast established pathways
vs
restored choice/cultivated new pathways/Responsiveness/ability to respond.

Sometimes I notice the reactivity, consider better choices, then choose old reactivity, knowing I can shut it down in a few minutes...but let it have it's way. Eh.  It happens, but is mostly my choice now.

The last thing I want to share, about that is.....
the brain is highly frugal with myelin distribution.

Myelin must be transferred from thick pathways, to new pathways, requiring consistent practice of noticing, and choosing responsive, while resisting the old/reactive pathways. It's a process.

The transfer takes time, but new, chosen pathways can become default settings.....
these are some of the fruits and flowers of mindfulness practice, IME.

Gifts, balms and delightful surprises pop up, unexpectedly, when one isn't looking for them, bc one doesn't know what to expect, ime.

Examples:

Waking without dread....
giving oneself permission to rest, sans "earning" a rest....
noting auto-dismissal of old, unkind internal voices/judgments/criticisms.

Neural plasticity is the brains ability to reorganize itself by forming new neural pathways and pruning old ones!!!!  Amazing!!!

One sets goals, puts good practices in place, and gets on with it, sans any judgement, IME.

Judgement only slows the process, IME.

The basic starting point , for me, was:
1. Tsunamis of self compassion.
2. Replacing ALL judgement with curiosity.
3. Dropping all expectations.
4. Embracing radical acceptance of everything one cannot change.

Rinse.
Repeat.

Everyone here deserves joy, and happiness....and joy is a choice in every moment.