Deceitful sister strikes again

[desertpine]

It's been a while since I posted but I'm needing some support around family drama involving my elderly parents and sister. My sister is the GC. I'm the SG. She is enmeshed with my uPD mother. So when my parents decided to move into a senior community about 8 years ago, they moved to a place very close to her and about a 6 hour drive from me.
In 2020 my uPDsister raged at me (she has a history of raging at people for petty reasons)  accusing me of hurting everyone in the family and saying she never wanted to have any contact with me ever again.  That's another crazy dysfunctional story. But since then we have had no contact until this past week.
My mom had surgery this week. She is the only family member who I have contact with on a regular basis.(I have a brother who left the family as a teen and cut off contact for decades). She told me she had surgery scheduled for June but never said anything else about it. On Tuesday  I received a few text messages from her phone that she was in surgery and providing updates about the surgery. The sender didn't say who they were and wouldn't respond to texts I sent. So I asked them to stop - but they didn't.
My mom told me yesterday that it was my sister. my sister decided I should be given updates and she would use my mom's phone to do it so I wouldn't know who was sending them. My mom agreed to that idea and defended her when I told hr that it was not ok to do that.
It felt sneaky, manipulative to me. It seems like a control/power play because my sister decided what info I received, when and how I received it. I have a big problem with that given the whole situation. I firmly told my mom that it was not ok to do that and next time she should talk to me ahead of time about how to let me know any updates when she has surgery. She didn't understand why I felt disrespected and angry. She thought I'd be appreciative and compassionate about how stressful it was for them.
Then she told me that my dad was also in the hospital for several days due to a brain bleed caused by medication from Alzheimer's. Apparently he was diagnosed a year ago with Alzheimer's but no one told me.
I made an excuse to end the call after that. I feel so hurt and confused by the way I'm treated by them. In what world is it ok for someone to send texts from someone else's phone in order to hide their identity? And to use that method to provide sensitive medical info to someone they cut off all contact with years ago?

 

[Call Me Cordelia]

It's not okay, and the whole thing looks like just one more iteration of the dysfunctional patterns and lack of boundaries that have been in play in your family. I'm sorry your sister did that and your mom went along.

I've found a lot of peace in indulging my confirmation bias in these situations. Like, yep, sis, there you are being manipulative and entitled, and there you are mom being codependent. Yep. Nothing new here. Carry on.

[Adria]

 

[NarcKiddo]

It's not ok. While you are processing all of this I suggest you bear in mind that your sister clearly has access to your mother's phone. I don't know if this was given just for the hospital but I'd be inclined to consider the fact that all messages you send to your mother are accessible by your sister.

I'm sorry this has happened.

[desertpine]

Good point narckiddo! Thank you for that!
Since I told my mom it was not ok for my sister to do that, I thought I should tell her (my sister) directly. So I sent her a brief message saying it was not ok to be deceitful and that I do not want to have contact with her. She responded with the typical narc prayer (that didn't happen, but if it did, it wasn't that bad. And it wasn't my fault..etc) with the added enmeshment twist of 'mom told me to -otherwise I wouldn't have contacted you'
In the past I would have taken the bait. This time a simple message repeated -do not contact me again. And then blocked her number. I don't have time for her nonsense!
Going back to NC for my peace of mind.

[walking on broken glass]

This is definitely not ok and well done on calling it out and protecting yourself. I can easily imagine my sister doing something similar. She would paint herself in a martyr light ('I am only doing it for the sake of mum'). So disrespectful and violating. I would also urge you to think twice about what you share with your mum because she doesn't seem to have solid boundaries.

[bloomie]

desertpine - welcome back! I am thankful you shared this painful and confusing experience. I am sorry this is disrupting your life.

I have come to see sharing an elderly, fragile, enmeshed parent with an unreliable, divisive, sibling who has positioned themselves as the gatekeeper incredibly difficult to navigate. And it hurts. 

Good point narckiddo! Thank you for that!
Since I told my mom it was not ok for my sister to do that, I thought I should tell her (my sister) directly. So I sent her a brief message saying it was not ok to be deceitful and that I do not want to have contact with her. She responded with the typical narc prayer (that didn't happen, but if it did, it wasn't that bad. And it wasn't my fault..etc) with the added enmeshment twist of 'mom told me to -otherwise I wouldn't have contacted you'
In the past I would have taken the bait. This time a simple message repeated -do not contact me again. And then blocked her number. I don't have time for her nonsense!
Going back to NC for my peace of mind.

This is next level, savage self care and I am standing on my chair cheering you on!!!! BRAVO!!!!