Post Breakup Feels Unbearable

[YellowFlower]

As mentioned in my welcome mat post about my lightbulb moment I realized that my relationship with my girlfriend (BPD) of a few years was making me miserable. Well I internalized it over the weekend and I went forward with a breakup. She didn't lash out thankfully and I remained calm throughout but it was still far from amicable. She was upset that I did so after promising I didn't want to leave her a few days ago. I told her I knew on a deep emotional level that I knew this is not the right relationship for me, to which she said love isn't something you feel all the time and that the best partner is one who will work with you, and put in a jab about how she was willing to work with me and tolerate so many things. She also told me how she had been giving me space and working on her own problems in therapy so that we could work on things together and come back stronger and tried to express how hard all of that was for her. I told her I believe she is getting better but I still know deeply that even after she improves I don't want to be with her. She also tried to tell me I would struggle to find someone who would accept me for who I am "like she does" and that the most important thing is that both sides are willing to work with each other. I have faith I will find someone who I will be happy and healthy with, and I said as much. In the end I gave her the condition that she has to move out in 3 weeks.

I am grateful she left earlier and has decided to leave, and on her way out I suppose she kinda proved me right on everything. She told me she was keeping her key and that she had "equal rights to this space, isn't that what you said", despite proving she doesn't want or need it by going couch surfing with friends instead of staying. I'm not looking forward to seeing her again when she comes back to collect her things.

Meanwhile now that she's gone I feel a constant all-consuming need be doing something at all times to keep my mind off of the breakup. It feels like I'm dying. I've spent so long managing her problems that I now don't know what to do with myself now that I'm alone. I have friends who are helping but it still feels like a struggle now that her absence is hitting. Any experiences with how people coped with the post breakup stress would be much appreciated.

[Rebel13]

Hi YellowFlower,

Good for you for doing what you felt was right in your heart! I hope her reaction confirmed for you that you made the right decision.

I think feeling overwhelmed is completely normal in your situation, and it sounds like you are doing really good things by keeping busy, connecting with friends. I'm pretty sure that once you get some space for yourself, you'll feel calmer over time. I hope she doesn't try to hook you back in when she comes back for her things.

If you feel like you need extra help, you could check out DBT skills, especially distress tolerance skills. They are made for times when we feel overwhelmed by situations and emotions and need help making good decisions and not digging ourselves in deeper.

Good luck with everything you are managing and please let us know how you are doing when you can.