We teach people how to treat us…

[skybox]

I was reflecting on this phrase and its truth. Being cooperative, kind and helpful, has backfired in many ways. Boundaries were not strong enough of course, and the disaster of npd marriage left them in tatters.  Whilst stronger now, the residue of past behaviours means that some people still treat  me a certain way.
It means that I engage less, and that social circles have become smaller, working on this as not a naturally " out there" person.
Perhaps one the trickier aspects is adult offspring. Xnpdh is always their priority for a special event,  even though I am the one who has consistently backed them, in every way over the years.  Even if I have made arrangements for a day,this last minute event always takes precedence. How do others handle this? Do I give up all expectations,and simply not be available?

[skybox]

To clarify, I never find out about the " special event"- it's announced casually, with no acknowledgement of my time or efforts eg with dinner. This very much reflects what went on in the terrible marriage- so triggering.
I never make a fuss, just ok.

[Call Me Cordelia]

Hmmm, I wonder if your adult children have learned that they'd better take what they can get from Dad, and they know that you are able to be relied upon and won't make drama. Does your ex likewise take for granted that he can just call the shots on his own timetable and snap his fingers, take people off the shelf when he feels like it? He feels entitled to time when he demands it? It's a dynamic I have observed with narcissists over and over, and that's the sense I'm getting from what you write. I could be off, though.

I think you're right though in observing your own part in how you've set the tone that your time and efforts are able to be casually dismissed. I'm not sure what you want, though. Do you want your prior plans to be honored and not changed last minute? I'm not sure what special events you're talking about entirely. I imagine a birthday dinner you are making for one of your children, and then dad comes in the night before and says let's go out to such and such place, and that's what happens.

Is this a conversation you can have with your children at a time when there aren't plans on the table? Tell them you have always just gone along but you don't actually like that and you would appreciate your efforts and time to be respected in the future. I think it's fair to expect your children to treat you with the same respect they would give anyone else. I don't know exactly what you mean by, "Have no expectations and just be unavailable," but that sounds sad and not like a relationship you really want. You can likely find a happy medium between that and being a doormat to your ex-husband's running the show with your adult kids. It is a good thing to be cooperative, kind, and helpful, but the 51% rule is applicable. You get to prioritize your own needs and desires just a tiny bit more than everyone else's. The change may be a bit rocky, since everyone has been accustomed to the status quo, but you can be confident in the choice you are making to respect yourself by expecting respectful treatment from those who love you. You can choose to respond to their choices each time from that place of committing to self-respect.

[Rebel13]

You can choose to respond to their choices each time from that place of committing to self-respect.

I really like this suggestion. As I go along learning more about this stuff, I'm realizing that hard-and-fast rules aren't usually necessary, certainly with people who aren't PD or super self absorbed. I understand the impulse to try to make rules like that, to protect ourselves from being hurt, but in my experience it doesn't really work.

Maybe you could do something like, if plans you have for a special event get canceled, then you aren't available to reschedule for that event? But when the next time comes around, you make plans with pleasure to spend time with people you care about? While realizing that whether a plan works out is never a sure thing, and that's not your fault or something you have to fix? (radical acceptance) That you are capable of helping yourself through the inevitable hurt? And that whatever happens, you are calm and gentle with yourself and those you care about?

What do you think?

[Lookin 2 B Free]

That sounds really painful, Skybox.  But not unfamiliar.  The "unsafe" parent is the one that gets treated in a special way.  I was always told that.

I take the saying about teaching people how to treat us to mean something other than we teach what we model (though that can be true, too).  To me it means we show people, through setting boundaries and standing up for ourselves ... or not, what we'll put up with. 

It's hard with grown offspring.  With children the need to teach them to respect me and others seemed clear ... for their sakes.  But I'm not in the parent role anymore.  If it were a friend standing me up or cancelling last minute in favor of another, they wouldn't be a friend for long.  I'd let them go.  Not so with grown offspring. 

I tolerate things I'd rather not.  But if it's really bothering me, I try to go to them and talk adult-to-adult about what's happening and the fact that it bothers me.  I believe that shows respect for them and respect for me.  It might not change their behavior.  But I feel better having done it.  (BTW, none of my kids are pwPDs.)

[skybox]

Thankyou CMC  Rebel and L2bF-
It helps a lot to be understood- cmc your summary was accurate.
It's painful, a sharp reminder.

It's calmer now, with everyone gone home. I am left thinking how relieved I am to be free... although a little sad for these "
After shocks".   The suggestion to address it at a non critical time is good.  Also thought to get them to book their event with ex first, and say I will work around that, in an attempt to create a free space. May not work, but maybe worth a try.

[Rebel13]

Oooh that's a great idea! Let us know how that works.