The Burned Haystack Dating Method by Jennie Young

[MaxedOut]

OK... This book is focused on women seeking long-term, monogamous relationships with men using online dating platforms. In actuality it a cheat code to detect rhetoric that indicates someone may be toxic including PD type traits (or misaligned in goals).

I am not seeking an LTR, and certainly not with a man, but I got it after reading a couple of articles, because I am (slowly) dipping into possible dating. As a primary interest, I am trying to focus on behaviors that may be flags of someone with a PD or other problematic stuff, and simply not testing things to see if that person is problematic when the dating apps are full of people. I have been building muscles for this in a DIY way in the contexts of friends, communities, and professional circles. I'm getting better at listening to my gut and a lot cleared on my own values and expectations for relationships/treatment.

I have found this book and author tremendously helpful in identifying why my gut feels uneasy from seemingly acceptable stuff and to see additional things that I should be picking up on. It's also delightfully nerdy. The author is a professor in applied rhetoric and brings a lot of expertise and asks the reader (and members of her social media communities) to break things down using the same methods. It is like the 100 traits page here built around examples.

I am apparently not the only one seeing this as a forcefield against PD, controlling, and/or abusive behaviors. Use and requests for her next book or some sort of group learning modules are gelling around abuse survivors since so much is applicable there. Like there are increasingly boxes of books getting donated (by readers and the author) for use in women's shelters.

Anyway, definitely recommend for anyone dating after/with PD experiences (it seems like a good resource for those with PD in their family of origin too, as it can help break the "this feels normal" spell). And if not dating, but interested in reading between the lines of communications in a new and structured way, it is also a good read and pretty entertaining to boot.

[walking on broken glass]

Hi Maxed out!
I follow the author and her method on social media, and she does help illuminate and discern problematic male behaviours. I like the feminist, liberal perpective too. I haven't read the book but I am sure it is going to be useful to lots of women.

[Rebel13]

I'm most of the way through this, and I see why you like it, MaxedOut! It's maybe the most unapologetically pro-woman, feminist thing I've read in a long while. Since I've been partnered for a long time, I had forgotten how horrible the dating scene can be, but this book brought all my bad experiences roaring back!

I really love the parts about rhetorical analysis and how we can apply strategies like thin-slicing to understand and strengthen our intuitive reactions to messed-up communications. Thanks again for recommending it as I probably never would have heard of it since I'm not on social media and not dating.