grew up in weird psychological blender--just now seeing problems with mom at 31

[somesmallhope]

So I grew up with an unpredictable and violent dad, and my mom was codependent with him. He was never formally diagnosed w anything (never thought he needed help) but he almost certainly has some PD. Anyway, my mom parentified me because he couldn't fulfill her emotionally, but she was a good mom when I was little bc my dependence on her filled those needs. Now he's 81 and mostly chilled out, I did a ton of work in therapy for years, I'm getting married to someone *actually healthy* and she's desperate for control. I thought I could trust her, but she's dragging me back into responding/defending/same crap dynamic I deliberately moved across the country to get away from. I have already involved her in the wedding and regret it. I just need advice to navigate protecting my peaceful life.

[xredshoesx]

welcome to the group @somesmallhope,

big family gatherings for events, like your upcoming wedding, or holiday celebrations can be difficult to cope with and bring back/trigger stuff that we think we've gotten through and worked on to get past-  I commend you for trying to give your mother a part in your preparations-  that's a level of compassion i've never been able to find for either of my biological parents (neither who were invited to my wedding).

you are 100% within your rights to see this situation for what it is and making that connection between how your childhood felt and how she is making you feel now is that therapy paying off.  it sounds like finding working boundaries with her may be the best way to give you that peace you need.

do you think it's possible that once you are married some of the intensity with her will tone down or are you worried this is gonna be her foot in the door moment to bring you back into the same dynamic you left to not be a part of anymore?  that's kind of going to have to be the question that decides what kind of boundaries are best for you.    is she incessantly calling/ texting?  a boundary for you there would be to not make yourself respond immediately ( I do this with work stuff that has to come through on my phone and it does help reduce my stress)

is she trying to run everything?  that's going to be harder to implement the boundary of 'it's my wedding and I want it *my* way'  a possible boundary there is there a maid of honor or someone that can be a go between the two of you in the planning you've let her help with to give you some peace.

you've got this.  I know it's hard having her just up and insert herself back in your circle again-  the group posting on the PD parents group is fairly active and I know the good people there can give you validation and more ideas as specific situations come up between now and the actual wedding.

Dealing with PD Parents

we have a board for dealing with elderly parents as well if that helps in the situation with your dad
Dealing with PD Parents


the only thing we ask is that you don't make duplicate posts -  we're listening when you are ready to share more

[bloomie]

Hi, somesmallhope! I am so glad you reached out for support, but sad and sorry you are facing this challenge as you start a new family and life independent of your parents.

I just need advice to navigate protecting my peaceful life.

One of the most deceptively simple pieces of advice I have gotten in my own journey is: 'start as you mean to go'. That looks different for each of us, but I can say with certainty without even having met you face to face, this kind of stuff does not get easier to address if we accommodate it.

You are the one to deal directly with your mother in the way that is best and right for you. Just like I was the one who dealt with my mother when she threatened to not attend my own wedding and created drama because she was losing control.

Keep coming back and sharing here. And... congratulations! So much of life is just around the corner and you deserve every happiness!!!