Am I the bad guy?

[Doglover95]

This is only my second post on here, but I guess I needed to come somewhere that would understand.

For context:
I've been dealing with police alot lately in regards to flashbacks I've been getting since January of this year. At least one of them involves my mother.

So my mother has always focused on herself and preserved her life style and the way that she sees the world. I've never been right and it's always my fault.

So police asked wether I would like to speak to my mum about what I reported before them or they could do it, I asked to speak to her (thinking that if I told her it might make it easier) well I went over with my partner last weekend to tell her.

I mean I went over a million ways it could have gone in my head, but I didn't expect it the way it went, I told her, she didn't tell, scream, shout, throw things at me.

I told her she was aware and as soon as I brought that up she started trying to yell at me and tell me I was wrong, I shut her down instantly.

She started asking me questions, like who was dealing with it, when I remembered it, when I reported it and I just gave her short sweet simple answers. In all honesty I don't think I wanted to give her ammo to use to save herself and claim she didn't know.

Well we kinda just left, like I'd told my partner a whole plan that we were gonna leave and everything and I just said "okay we need to see dad now" and just took the dog and left the house.

Like I got in the car and I was in bits, like idk what I expected, I don't know why I cried, that whole day I was in bits.

Well it's been a week now and I haven't had any contact with her, I know she's been online (she's commented on stuff) but I've heard nothing. I've not reached out either, but now Im starting to think I'm the bad guy in all this and I've opened this can of worms, can't put them back but it's all my fault that it's like this.

Damn I don't know... Is this just her way of continuing to control me and the situation, forcing me to come to her rather than the other way round (I've even gone out of my way and asked my MIL to look after the dog for a night coming up rather than message my mother)

Man I don't know, Im starting to feel like the bad guy and I'm the one that caused this and I should have just left it alone

[Rebel13]

Hi Doglover95,

I'm not completely clear on the situation, but it sounds like you confronted your mother about an incident that happened in the past, with police involvement. (Abuse, violence, neglect? Not sure)

In general, since there was a past incident, I would not say you "caused" anything. In other words, don't blame yourself or be mean to yourself about this. (Or much of anything, unless you've actually done some concrete thing that was wrong/bad/illegal/immoral/hurt someone).

What I might suggest, though, is to reflect on the situation so it can inform your future decisions. In my experience, confronting problematic people, asking them to take accountability, never really works out like we hope it will. They don't behave like regular people who've behaved terribly would -- no apologies, attempts to make amends, etc. More usually it's temper tantrums, blaming, self-pity, DARVO etc.

So I think it's important to consider that when we are deciding whether or not to confront someone like this about something they've done. If the outcome is not what we are hoping for -- if they don't do what WE would do in the circumstances -- if in fact their reaction makes things worse -- will the confrontation still be worth it? Each one of us has to make that decision given what we know about ourselves, the other person, and the situation, but for myself I've decided that protecting myself from further abuse is more important than trying to get accountability or amends from someone who simply doesn't have it to offer.

And by the way, your reaction of crying and being "in bits" for the whole day sounds perfectly normal after such a painful, challenging situation. I hope you take good care of yourself.

[Liketheducks]

I wouldn't say you're the bad guy....but I agree with Rebel13.   If she is consistently paints you as the bad guy and doesn't take accountability....I wouldn't confront her for your own mental health.   Let that go.  She is who she is.    I did with my mom.   She listened and then continued the lack of accountability and abuse.   My boundaries with her are now to protect myself.   If she blames me, I take myself out of her presence.   

And, being terribly upset for finally confronting her sounds completely normal to me.   I've found some relief in writing a letter that I may never send....and then radically accepting my mom for who she is.   I know we're hard wired to seek the love and support of our parental figures.   That journey is incredibly painful.   But, through the years it has become much, much easier for me.   Those first couple of years, grieving the parent that I should have had, were incredibly challenging.

Treat yourself as a trusted friend who has suffered an incredible betrayal....because you have.   

Hang in there.