Six-year cycle just shattered / reactive abuse and a sudden discard

[MadeOfStarStuff]

Hello everyone,I am new here and still in a state of profound shock and devastation. I am reaching out because I desperately need a reality check and a community of people who understand the agonizing chaos of living with a mentally unstable, manipulative partner-likely Covert Narcissism-an idea in which i've been dodging for years. For the last 6.5 years, my life completely orbited this man. I uprooted my life, sold my house, moved to a new city with my young daughter just to be with him, among a million other sacrifices I made out of the deep belief in our mutual love. Throughout the relationship, I completely lost myself. I was constantly evaluated, corrected, and managed. I became his "project" rather than his partner. Over time, I became so brainwashed by his constant criticism that I genuinely came to believe I was the toxic one, the abuser, and the source of all our problems.A few days ago, everything came crashing down for the hundredth time, but this one was different. During a text exchange that began as light, playful banter, I set a healthy boundary regarding a topic he was pushing. When I framed that boundary around being a mother, it accidentally triggered a massive, hidden well of shame inside him. He vanished for two hours, got drunk, and unleashed a level of text-fueled rage, venom, and cruelty that I have never witnessed in over six years.It had nothing to do with the conversation we were having, instead he systematically weaponized my most painful life vulnerabilities—including my history with alcoholism (a coping mechanism during our most troubling time together) and a past traumatic medical emergency—to argue that I am incompetent, unstable, and don't play with a "full deck." Saying none of those things would have happened had I listened to him. He went so far as to send me a degrading meme comparing me to livestock. Bringing up how we met on Hinge and him making a mistake with the sole purpose of hurting me. He then ended the message with a theatrical, sarcastic "release" from his tyranny, blocked me for five days, and has now unblocked me, leaving a lingering, agonizing silence. It has been one week of no-contact. I'm devastated. No apology. Nothing It's never felt like this before. He's never not apologized (well, whatever apologizing is for him). The turning point for me—and the reason I found this forum—is that during his final explosion, I didn't react the way I normally would. I didn't scream, cry, get defensive, or apologize just to keep the peace. I stayed completely calm and clear. Because I didn't give him the explosion he wanted, I finally learned about the concept of reactive abuse. I realized that for six years, he intentionally pushed me to my breaking point so he could point at my reactions and make me carry all the guilt.I have "anger management problems," i'm "explosive," I "blow-up all the time," I'm "the abuser." I am currently drowning in denial and what I think to be trauma bond withdrawal. I've gone through this before, but he's always come back with so much love and clarity. I think it's finally hit me that he truly has NPD and this is the final discard. My entire reality is crashing down once and I'm really struggling to carry it. I am shocked. I just cannot believe that what I thought was deeply true love, and a sacred bond, was not real. At least not mutual. I gave up everything for Us. He convinced me to do so many things that I would never do. I can't believe I fell for this. For 6.5 years! I was stuck in a giant web of lies, even lying to myself. The darkness I went through and came out on the other side...I thought we made it and that I was finally getting better (because he made me believe I was sick). Just hours before this discard, we were talking about how much we loved each other, and our future together. He took care of us. He helped us. He showed up for us, only to find out it was all transactional. I knew this all along, but I kept erasing the truth because I wanted to keep the connection and peace. I apologized because being right never mattered to me. My love did. Our love did. Our relationship did. I know the love I felt was 100% real. My brain is spinning in loops trying to make sense of all of this. How someone who claimed to deeply love me and care about us could treat us like disposable trash and walk away without a single word of real closure. I keep bargaining, wondering if he is just hiding out of embarrassment, shame, or guilt, or if I should look for an apology in the one email line I left open.I am holding the line and keeping him blocked on everything else, but my nervous system is shattered. I am trying so hard to be strong for my daughter, but I feel completely lost and don't know how to live my life without him. He turned my world into his. I orbited him. I see all of this so clearly and the profound realization that it was all a facade is so heartbreaking, confusing, disorienting, and I don't even know if there is a word yet for the feelings that I have. 6.5 years of my life just vanished into oblivion. And i'm left carrying the carnage, while his hands are clean. I am here for validation, for a strict reality check when the denial hits, and to hear from anyone else who has survived this exact kind of psychological car crash.Thank you for reading and for providing a safe space to land. I honestly don't know what to do or where to go from here. I'm completely lost. He deliberately dismantled me. And that is what I am, completely dismantled.

[firepoetry]

Welcome to this forum, a place where we have all walked the path you have to get here. I'm sorry that you walked that path, but glad you found us here.

First, in my own experience, discards don't usually happen in permanence. He will likely come back to you and hoover over you again once enough time has passed; where thinks you are moving on and have begun to recover; then he will reach out and see if you are willing to be the person you were before you set boundaries. NPDs never like boundaries. They expect to violate boundaries. They tend to diminish us because we have succeeded in becoming beacons of light in our own lives, and they come in to take the light. They tell us we are the broken ones, and they are our heroes. They see us in a way that no one else can. It's kind of like being in a two person cult. (Or more when children are involved).

The path back is to be prepared when he reaches back out. Be prepared to go No Contact. Do not expect an apology, because NPDs are never wrong, unless they are feeding you a line to pull you back into their wrath, and then it quickly becomes you who should apologize.

Spend time finding yourself, the person you left at the door when you entered his world. Think of what hobbies you enjoy, what books, what work, what friends you'd like to invite into your life. Do yourself some self-care. And spend time with your daughter, because she has to get through this, too. She watched you hurting for the past six years, and she either knew he was bad and hurt you, or she knows now, or she doesn't know and needs to process the grief of his departure. In any case, she needs you to be strong. And, to be strong is to build yourself (and especially your self-worth and boundaries) back up again.

[xredshoesx]

welcome to the group @MadeOfStarStuff

it's an honor to welcome you to our group on  the 19th anniversary of when I came to the same conclusion about my ex and we broke up for the last and I really mean it last time.  while people were enjoying fireworks I was getting egg boxes from the 24-hour grocer and dividing up the common goods so he could pick them up when he came back from his good time that didn't include me.

we also had about 7 years of turmoil, multiple DV visits from the police, a DV charge and a restraining order and for the first 6 years I got lured back in to the cycle every time similar to what @firepoetry was describing.  it took the death of a relative and having to handle the grief work alone plus a year of therapy for me to get the courage up to finally end it.

one of the things that really helped me through the hoover back process was having a list handy of all the disappointments and hurts over our relationship and every time he would call or text, I would reread the list and remember how miserable I was each and every time before when we got back together.  I also changed his name in my phone to a song with lyrics that reminded me of how little he respects me so that was a constant reminder as well when it popped up. 

I'm 19 years on the other side of that night, and happily married for almost 17 of them.  there is hope and healing on the other side of now, it;s getting through the days/nights when the campaign is hardest to both smear/get you back at the same time.

stay the course.  you got this.  post here when you can.