Advice for teen living with NC parents.

[nightmoon]

I don't know exactly what i expect from writing here, but i have no other support system. i dont mean to sound whiny but i am practically trapped in an emotionally abusive house with no relatives/family friends in the country that i live in, and am experiencing a huge block in my plans to move out that will take at least a year to resolve. I currently have no friends, school, work (its really hard to land a job but i'm trying), or opportunity to see a therapist either.

A year ago, when i was 17, I found out about emotional abuse. I was raised by a narcissistic father: he didnt care about anyone or anything- not even himself- other than making his image look good. trying to tell him about how he hurt me would only lead to either him laughing in my face, shouting at me to get lost, or giving empty apologies that made him feel like a good father for a few minutes just to do the same thing the next day. he had terrible temper control. it might aswell have been temper encouragement. i never knew when he would explode. he would explode over tiny things too. i had never known a human being could feel so unsafe in a situation until he showed me on multiple occasions: the biggest memories i have from my childhood and my teen years are of him traumatising me.

i never questined behaviour growing up because i had- you guessed it- an enabling mother. she had a high amount of dissociation from her own identity or autonomy due to her own less than perfect childhood and tolerated a lot when she shouldnt have. she basically repeated the cycle with me.

when i could grasp at any money of my own, i went to her and told her how i wanted to get her some therapy sessions (she had been denied this by my father- he always withheld financial information from her). she complied for one session, then gave up.

whenever i have told her my side of the situation or asked her to speak up for me against him, she would lash back at me, telling me that i was the real abuser so i had turned her and him into abusers, that if left near me for long enough, i'd turn anyone into an abuser. she would tell me i had learned this buzzword 'abuse' and had never seen real abuse in my life as well as more invalidating things despite being the only person who knew my feelings and situation. she isnt talking to me now because she thinks it is abusive how i ask her to defend me which is "trying to manipulate her".

6 months ago, i cut contact with my father. before that, i was already carrying a lot of internal resentment towards him and knew i wanted to cut him off but didnt know how or when. to be honest, i knew i wanted to cut him off someday when i was 7 years old. because i had been growing resentment, he started complaining a lot about how i didnt smile at him and make him feel good as his daughter (ironic, i know), telling me he didnt do anything at all to me and he was such a good father for tolerating my 'attitude' (not showering him in compliments).

one night, (the night we went into the year of the fire horse, if anyone is interested in stuff like that) i was downstairs trying to tolerate having dinner with my parents despite how uncomfortable i felt. i was wearing comfy long bottoms and a black, loose tank top. he was quiet the whole time (he was quiet and emotionally absent my whole life anyway) and at the end he exploded "dont wear that near me again you disrespectful freak". i was offended, tearing up, in fight or flight, and decided to speak up after a bit "you cant tell me what i can and cant do, you're not the king of the house" and he shouted back that he is the king of the house...

after that, there was a huge argument where he tried all he could to intimidate me and 'win' and i was still crying, but that night i knew i wouldnt speak to him again, that this was the change i was looking for to cut contact. after that day, even though i stopped speaking to him, whenever he was in the house at the same time as me he tried to trip me up, shouted at me to get my attention and make me mad, and would rain down insults at me when i wasnt doing anything. one night i lost it and pushed him. then, i think he learned not to speak to me so much. he still tries to this day to try to make me mad, shouting passive aggressive comments for me to hear.

my nervous system is messed up from my childhood to the point that i had been diagnosed with BPD at 14.

I realised my mom was an enabler when on that night i expected her to show me a shred of support she told me to get lost and change my tank top so i 'wouldnt anger him'. When i told her about this she ignored me.

He's also a control freak who has cameras and microphones planted around the house to monitor everyone.

I feel unsafe, I dont know what to do and would appreciate anyone i could relate to. Thank you for reading all this!

[Rebel13]

Hi nightmoon, I'm so sorry for everything you are going through. It's very difficult growing up in such a troubled family, and it does leave marks. (Ask me how I know.)

In my experience, doing everything I could to get myself to a safe space was the only way things got better. It's very hard to heal or even get calm when the craziness is swirling all around you. It's hard to give specific advice when only you know what is possible in your situation. But whatever you can do to detach, stay out of the drama as much as possible, be uninteresting, and take advantage of any opportunities to make your own space, whether that's physical, mental or emotional, I think could help you. Check out the Toolbox section of the site, particularly the articles on grey rock, medium chill, and boundaries -- those are good strategies to start out with, and can help you get that space. Also look around the rest of the forum because people share lots of helpful suggestions and resources, and at least their stories will let you know you are not alone. Also, what opportunities do you have to get support in real life? Friends, extended family outside of the wackiness, people at school, church, the library, your doctor's office, etc? A lot of times people can see what's happening but they don't know how to help or even start the conversation, so it helps if you can confide in someone you trust.

Let us know how you are doing when you can!

[xredshoesx]

Welcome to the group @nightmoon,

Many of us with uPD/PD parents can relate to what you are sharing.  it's a lot to break the cycle of abuse and it sounds like you are doing everything within your power to get out.

It took me 3 tries to finally go fully NC with my biological mother, mostly because financial stuff similar to what you described.  I could have not made the NC 'stick' without the help of some really good friends who had normal parents to whom I looked to as mentors/guides and some strong adult mentors.

I did see you mentioned a BPD DX as a teen.  Because you have identified yourself as someone who suffers from BPD,  we want to make sure you're aware of a couple of things as you settle in.

Out of the FOG is a community dedicated to offering support and information to people who have a loved one or family member who suffers from a personality disorder. That doesn't necessarily exclude those who also have a PD from participating but the rule is we come here to discuss our relationship issues as they pertain to the other people in our lives with a PD, and not PD recovery issues as they pertain to the self. If you suffer from, or suspect you suffer from a personality disorder, we welcome your participation as long as the discussion still revolves around dealing with the loved ones in your life with a PD and not on your own recovery from a PD.   

Also, we'd like you to be aware that people at a site like this are often hurting a great deal.  They come here needing a safe place to vent about how they may have been hurt by the person in their life with a PD.  At times, these comments can be harsh. Reading them may trigger you, if you are not far enough along in your own recovery to let these comments pass without becoming upset or attempting to speak on behalf of others with personality disorders.

Thanks for your understanding, and again Welcome to Out of the FOG.

[Call Me Cordelia]

Hi, nightmoon. I'm sorry for all you are going through and want to cheer you on as you hang in there to gain your independence and build your own life. I want to add to the conversation that I'm skeptical of any diagnosis of a personality disorder at the age of 14, especially while the teen is still living in an abusive environment. I heartily agree with Rebel that healing can truly take off once you are in a safe environment. For me, I didn't have nearly the level of awareness that you do as a teenager. While it took me until my 30s to finally end up NC with my parents, I was able to go to college and find real friends and learn what it felt like to have reciprocal relationships, to belong, to be loved. The healing started there and took deep root. This trauma may have been all you've ever known but it is not the end of your story and doesn't have to define you.

[mary_poppins]

Hi nightmoon.

I'm sorry for all you're going through.
I am also skeptical about your diagnosis. BPD is so often mistaken with complex PTSD because they have similar behaviors. Also, while in touch with disordered individuals, one can take in their behaviors and act like them-its called mirroring. We do that in order to survive around them but once we move away, we'll resort back to our true personality. So a diagnosis like this seems weird.

Anyway, I command you for taking a very huge step to come here on this forum and ask for advice. Not many people in your situation can do this. It is incredibly hard to ask for help as a victim of abuse because we were told we're not worhty of getting help, of kindness, of compassion and empathy.

So for this thing alone I want to congratulate you.

There are many things you can do in your situation. Search for 'tool's in this forum and find metods of dealing with deranged people-like medium chill, grey rock and so on.

If you can, do not eat dinner/lunch with them. That is a huge opportunity for them to abuse you. Be as scarce as possible in their house. Go out for hours, check out your local libraries. Go to parks (it's summer here in Europe so I assume it's warm there as well), go to a cafe and connect with strangers, talk to random people-because you will see, the majority of folks are kind and well-intended. Our families are the 5% of the population with mental illness and disordered personalities which sucks, yes, we are unlucky to be born with this but that's the cards we were dealt with.

If you're 18 you can definitely get a job. People are willing to hire youngsters because they usually don't have demands and can work harder than more experienced people for less money..

If you can find a fast food place, restaurant, even a nanny or elderly care job, jump on the opportunity. Make sure the employer is not abusive because that will be really tough. Don't share your job plans or future plans with your family, keep them on an information diet. Google 'information diet and narcissistic parents/partners' and you will get many articles about it.

I used to live with 2 disordered parents and used boundaries, information diet and grey rock to survive. It worked wonderfully and I continued to use all these methods even after moving out and right before going full no contact. These are some things you can take into consideration but you don't have to. I know I have gotten this advice from someone once and it worked so I want to pass along the tip.