Meeting narcissists after no contact

[mary_poppins]

So I still have a tendency to only meet narcissistic, arrogant people..I realized that after no contact with family I moved into a house with narcissistic individuals..I still live there unfortunately but I am avoiding the people living there (I work a lot so it's not like I'd have time to hang out at home).
Then, I discovered some narcissistic nurses and managers at work and it made me cringe. I avoid those as well but it's not easy because I sometimes end up working with them..Ugh.

How are you guys coping with this problem? If you did have narcs at work, how did you cope? Is there a method to help yourself stop attracting narcissists whether is at work or in personal relationships (eg dating, friendships..)

[walking on broken glass]

That's so frustrating, Mary Poppins. I think people like us who have had close experiences with narcissists in their family or origin, are very quick to identify them in other contexts too. Other people might be slower or oblivious. I had a former colleague who was BPD and it was tricky, especially because she wanted to be friends with me. I hang out a couple of times with her but it didn't take long for her to unravel so I cut off all personal contact and kept a polite distance. She was awful to me after that but I chose to deal with her by pretending I didn't get her digs and being professional and pleasant (yellow rocking basically). If you have already spotted PD people at work, my advice would be to stay as far away as possible, and, if you have to work with them, keep it very impersonal, neutral and factual. Don't open up and don't give them anything about your personal life that you wouldn't share with a stranger on a bus. Rely on platitudes and small talk. As for the home situation, would it be realistic to move out and find new flatmates? If not, same rules apply there.

[Rebel13]

Yellow rock! Thanks WOBG, I had forgotten about One Mom's Battle's definition of that method. I love it. It's a lot of what I'm trying to do with my high-conflict boss. Here are some of her bullet points about it (her context is co-parenting and legal challenges, but it fits into a workplace context really well -- you can substitute "coworkers" or "HR" for "family court professionals" for example).

• Envision yourself talking to a colleague or an employer. Communication should be courteous and true to who you are, sans emotion and small talk.
• Stay focused on the present and immediate future, not bringing in past discussions or engaging in attempts by the narcissist to rehash past events.
• Steer the conversation in a productive direction ignoring digs and poor behavior on the part of the narcissist. Only respond to the logistical items.
• Take control of false narratives with a statement like, "I disagree with your version of events and prefer to put this behind us. Can we move forward and bring the conversation back to Amy's soccer enrollment?"           
• Remember that your communication strategy has nothing to do with the narcissist and everything to do with how you are perceived by family court professionals.
• Celebrate communication victories when they occur and don't allow negative interactions to cause you to abandon your efforts. Consistency is key.
• When triggered by the narcissist's attempts to derail you, step away from the communication and revisit it after getting yourself recentered.

This Reddit post looks like a pretty good primer on red flag spotting. I'm also planning on reading the book MaxedOut recommended, "Burn the Haystack" by Jennie Young, because the recommendation makes it seem like it's another good resource for spotting these folks before giving them anything they can use on us, whether you are looking to date or not.

I am finding out that avoiding these folks is a lifelong process. Partly, I think acting self-absorbed is more socially acceptable, at least in the US. The behaviors can sometimes feel familiar and comfortable on some level -- although I think just as often I'm less able/willing to tolerate some behaviors than other people are. And certainly self-absorbed or PD people seek out those of us who are good listeners and trained to tolerate bad behavior and put ourselves out for others. Then they use the three channels ChumpLady talks about -- rage, charm, and self-pity, which interestingly provoke fear, obligation and guilt in us!!

[mary_poppins]

That's so frustrating, Mary Poppins. I think people like us who have had close experiences with narcissists in their family or origin, are very quick to identify them in other contexts too. Other people might be slower or oblivious. I had a former colleague who was BPD and it was tricky, especially because she wanted to be friends with me. I hang out a couple of times with her but it didn't take long for her to unravel so I cut off all personal contact and kept a polite distance. She was awful to me after that but I chose to deal with her by pretending I didn't get her digs and being professional and pleasant (yellow rocking basically). If you have already spotted PD people at work, my advice would be to stay as far away as possible, and, if you have to work with them, keep it very impersonal, neutral and factual. Don't open up and don't give them anything about your personal life that you wouldn't share with a stranger on a bus. Rely on platitudes and small talk. As for the home situation, would it be realistic to move out and find new flatmates? If not, same rules apply there.

Yeah, that makes sense. If you can't avoid them, rely on grey rock. Moving out is difficult because there is a housing shortage and my salary is too small for a studio right now. But I will in the future.

[mary_poppins]

@Rebel 13. Thanks for the book title. I'll check it out.

I'm not self-absorbed and am willing to listen to other people and let them air out their problems. Maybe that's why I attract them. I have one guy where I work who, as soon as we bump into each other he starts to pour out his problems to me. Ha ha. I need to become less empathetic or give people less time to speak about their own stuff.

BTW one nurse who I used to work with and was a narc (everyone hated him) was moved to another shift pattern and now I never see him. A small but important win     

[Deborah]

Hey. I just spoke with a friend about this. She read about a creepy experiment. It showed that abused children could immediately spot the abuser. And were terrified. And abusers could immediately spot the victimized children. And preferred them as victims. Sad. But true. 

I did not read it all, so I'm probably repeating things. But...

First, I take my gut feeling seriously.

Second, I avoid npd/aspd people. E.g. I will not take a job with someone like this in a key position. I do not mind bpd people so much. But I will keep strict boundaries and make sure I'm not vulnerable. For instance by shielding personal information.

Third, I will stay polite. I want to behave respectful even if the other person is not. Without sacrificing my own boundaries. So safe boundaries come first and politeness second.

Fourth, I do not take things seriously. I will weigh everything to my own self. If I think a criticism is correct, I will do something with it. If not, I leave it with them. I will not seek confrontation. It is no use.

Fifth, I will protect others if needed. E.g. someone asked me on a date. I suspected npd/aspd. My fear they had a darker side was quickly confirmed. They were involved in criminal activities. I quit contact. If we now meet, I yellow rock. I saw him flirt with a woman I know after. I discretely informed her to stay away. Without being more slanderous than needed for her safety.

Sixth, I try purge traits like these from myself. I try to avoid black-and-white thinking and see them as the 100% bad guy and me as 100% good guy in the relationship. With the exception of psychopaths. The less traits I have myself, the more protected I am. For instance because I am more immune to flattery or boundary testing, the less pd traits I have.  My faith was helpful with this.

All this went out of the window in my family...because I loved them too much...and this backfired horridly. But with others I've found my way around. As long as they are not in a position of authority over me or someone I care about, I do not fear them. They too are people who share the same trauma...and in all honesty some of the same responses...as I do.