PD parent and rejection sensitivity wounds

[nightmoon]

i noticed whenever i'm around a lot of people/social interaction in general, i am so harsh on myself. i treat myself worse than anyone, like there's 2 people inside of my brain, and one is relentlessly and ruthlessly bullying the other one like 'youre worthless, useless, unloveable, hated by everyone'. these tend to appear as intrusive thoughts. i think the main reason for this is my BPD rejection sensitivity. the afraid side of me isnt bullying the other (more real) side of me for the fun of it, it's trying everything it can to avoid rejection by 'training me' by being mean to me, so that it doesnt have to feel the pain of rejection again. and because the fear is so big, the pressure applied onto me has to match it, and due to the human mind giving more importance to negativity than positivity, the easiest way for the afraid side of me to externalise how deeply wounded it feels on the inside (and how deeply it is trying not to feel wounded again by training me) is to be really mean to me. it gets so overwhelming i feel like i could throw up or hurt myself at times. and the voice is inside me, so it knows me best, so it knows where it would hurt. i think the main reason for this is that since i was young i kept needing to 'read the room' around my NPD dad all the time to find out things about him to be able to try to befriend him better so he'd wanna spend time with me. i always tried changing myself for him (it never really worked anyway cuz he has Narcissistic personality disorder and when unhealed, those people are pretty incapable of thinking of anything outside of themselves very deeply as cliche as that is). every time he laughed at me or bullied me or left me despite my best efforts to tailor myself to him to avoid that, it reinforced this feeling that told my brain to operate on a feeling of lack when it came to human connection. even if people loved me or had fun, i still leave feeling like a worthless piece of shit everyone hated and wished would die because this feeling doesnt rely on any facts: it's a deep seated childhood trauma that changes how i experience others and myself. it wants me to feel so deeply badly about myself so that i'll try everything i can possibly do to make up for it for people, so i'll have lesser chances of 'being rejected/abandoned'. Does anyone have any experiences like this or any advice ? thank you for taking the time to read and i hope you are doing well!

[bloomie]

nightmoon - our minds are so powerful and the pathways that are created from parental abandonment and rejection are working against our determination to heal at times. I am so sorry.

What is encouraging to know is we have the ability to build new pathways and shift our thinking about ourselves and others which then determines more healthy ways of engaging and interacting. These's hope!

I have found the work of Pete Walker, M.A. to be of great help to me. I want to link you to his articles and work, but especially to the concept of shrinking the inner critic found here: http://pete-walker.com/shrinkingInnerCritic.htm

All of the articles found to the left of the link page are free and of very good help. Keep working toward renewal of your mind and a integration of your thinking about yourself the value you hold, because you are truly valuable and worthy of love.

[NotCryingGlitter]

i noticed whenever i'm around a lot of people/social interaction in general, i am so harsh on myself. i treat myself worse than anyone, like there's 2 people inside of my brain, and one is relentlessly and ruthlessly bullying the other one like 'youre worthless, useless, unloveable, hated by everyone'. these tend to appear as intrusive thoughts. i think the main reason for this is my BPD rejection sensitivity. the afraid side of me isnt bullying the other (more real) side of me for the fun of it, it's trying everything it can to avoid rejection by 'training me' by being mean to me, so that it doesnt have to feel the pain of rejection again. and because the fear is so big, the pressure applied onto me has to match it, and due to the human mind giving more importance to negativity than positivity, the easiest way for the afraid side of me to externalise how deeply wounded it feels on the inside (and how deeply it is trying not to feel wounded again by training me) is to be really mean to me. it gets so overwhelming i feel like i could throw up or hurt myself at times. and the voice is inside me, so it knows me best, so it knows where it would hurt. i think the main reason for this is that since i was young i kept needing to 'read the room' around my NPD dad all the time to find out things about him to be able to try to befriend him better so he'd wanna spend time with me. i always tried changing myself for him (it never really worked anyway cuz he has Narcissistic personality disorder and when unhealed, those people are pretty incapable of thinking of anything outside of themselves very deeply as cliche as that is). every time he laughed at me or bullied me or left me despite my best efforts to tailor myself to him to avoid that, it reinforced this feeling that told my brain to operate on a feeling of lack when it came to human connection. even if people loved me or had fun, i still leave feeling like a worthless piece of shit everyone hated and wished would die because this feeling doesnt rely on any facts: it's a deep seated childhood trauma that changes how i experience others and myself. it wants me to feel so deeply badly about myself so that i'll try everything i can possibly do to make up for it for people, so i'll have lesser chances of 'being rejected/abandoned'. Does anyone have any experiences like this or any advice ? thank you for taking the time to read and i hope you are doing well!

For me, I'm having issues w/ calming harsh self-talk, since people around me refuse to see me as an individual adult vs. so and so's kid. I'm starting to think that if I still choose to live in a smaller-ish area, it's gonna have to be a little further away than I initially wanted.  Hard to build self-esteem when I'm surrounded by closed-minded people. I feel like sometimes it's not always just a need to heal, but maybe a scenery change requirement too.