parent's dying & acute conflict with sibling is in background

[Poison Ivy]

Over the weekend, my sister chose to tell me about something that happened at a big family event a few weeks ago. The thing that happened included criticism of one of my children and some shots directed at me. She prefaced it with something like the following: "I've only cried twice about Mom in the past few years, and this was one of the times because I can't tell her this and she was always my confidant."
Our mother is dying. My sister is closest to her of anyone.
Until this weekend, I thought I had a good, safe relationship with my sister. I no longer think that. I might break up with her after our mom dies (could be days, probably won't be more than a week or two). I don't want to pile on to my sister's emotional burden right now.
What are things I can say to and do for myself to get me through the time until I can move on with my life?

[square]

Sorry you are experiencing this.

If I were trying to limp through a couple of weeks with someone I no longer trusted, I would remind myself that it's just a couple of weeks and that I want to feel uncomplicated about it later (I.e. not regret something I said or did).

But you can definitely put a significant distance between you and her emotionally, even while engaging in medium chill.

Maybe it's like a difficult business client you just have to finish the project for, you deliver it, you know you did the job, you get to move on right after.

[walking on broken glass]

I am sorry, Poison Ivy.
Some people resort to their most emotionally immature behaviours when under stress (explanation, not justification). Your sister seems to try to cope with her distress by showing covert hostility against you. It is not fair and you don't have to put up with it. I would advise you to keep low contact with your sister and keep all discussions to practical matters. If she starts digging up the past and reminiscing, say something along the lines 'I am sorry, I don't have the mental bandwidth for such a conversation right now' and change the subject. If it's easier, keep the conversation by text instead of in person/on the phone.
Also, look after yourself. Turn to safe people around you that can support you through this. This is such an emotionally charged time for you too. I hope you can find moments of peace and quiet.

[Poison Ivy]

Thank you both. Your understanding and advice help more than I can adequately express in words.

[Poison Ivy]

Thanks again. Though my mom had been declining, the hospice staff did not yet think her death was imminent. But she died early this morning.

[walking on broken glass]

I am so sorry, Poison Ivy. I am sending virtual hugs. Look after yourself 

[bloomie]

Poison Ivy - I am sorry. Please know you are thought of from afar as you walk through the coming days. Another one reminding you to take good care of yourself and as you are able, let us know how you are doing.

[square]

I am so sorry, Poison Ivy.

[Call Me Cordelia]

I'm so sorry for your loss, past and present.

[Blueberry Pancakes]

So sorry for your loss, Poison Ivy.

Just wanted to echo the comments here about remembering to take care of yourself. Also, it is alright if you want to still say and do the things you may have been contemplating to do to help get through this time.

[Poison Ivy]

Thank you to everyone who has responded. I know that you understand how complicated these situations, and the feelings they arouse, can be. In the past two days, I helped my sister and one brother (the other lives out of state) clear mom's room at the assisted-living facility, they and I attended the meeting with the funeral director about final arrangements, and I gave my brother-in-law a ride to a nearby city to pick up a rental truck that he used to move a piece of furniture from mom's room to my sister's house. I'm continuing to offer help but I hope to be able to do all of it not in person. I would like to not be physically present with my sister for a while (whatever length of time that ends up being). I visited her and mom almost every week for the past 3 1/2 years.

[walking on broken glass]

Hi Poison Ivy,
If what you need right now is some distance, please take it for yourself. There's plenty of things you can do from afar and other people can step up too. After my dad died, I desperately needed to be away from my mum and my sister. Leaving was essential for my mental health.
Take care