A radically different perspective: the generational gap

Deborah · July 23, 2026, 04:24:40 PM

https://www.youtube.com/live/w7sEebBgBAE

I watched this and it made me cry. Any thoughts?

moglow · July 23, 2026, 04:52:37 PM

Could you provide more information about that link? Some don't care for clicking on unidentified material.

Please and thank you.🙂

Deborah · July 23, 2026, 06:13:21 PM

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Deborah · July 24, 2026, 12:45:46 AM

It's about the generational differences in how they deal with emotion and relational repair (like saying sorry).

It explains how boomer men - sorry that is the word used - were brought up. And how this fed a generation of men to be dominant over women and children. Dismissive when they hurt them. Defensive when they should apologize. But then apologizing by doing something, like fixing the tap she wanted fixing. How he, generally speaking, misses emotional awareness and language to understand his own wrong or the other's perspective. And this makes it hard to genuinely repair a bond after a harm is done. Older women were trained to read and accept this. But still many marriages broke down. They were mostly functional.

It tells how younger men saw the strain on the relationship of their parents. And learned to fix the bond - not the tap. But then there is a generational gap, with younger people not being able to "hear" the love and apologies of the older men. And older men not understanding what is expected of them, because they miss the emotional awareness: they were never taught.

It's my dad hurting me terribly. I was abused. He failed to protect me. He failed to comfort me. When I addressed the hurt, he would be adamant: "I am perfect and did no wrong ever in all my life". "I intended no harm, so there is no reason to be hurt". He would also hide his mistakes from others to self-protect. So that I got all the blame. Then the next day, he'd come bring something practical. "Here's your old music installation, I thought music would cheer you up". That is an apology in camouflage. I finally recognize it as such. But it is an inadequate one in my world. I want him to understand what he did, how that harmed me, and give genuine words to that. And repair. If asked, even admit it to others. That is terribly vulnerable...and he'd rather see me die or go insane than admit to a mistake. Because there's such early fear and shame on it.

Is this a generational difference? Or narcissistic behaviour? Can one generation find something normal, that another finds narcissistic? And can my generation have moved to the opposing extreme, as a result of their parents emotional style? Not speaking about the severe end of the spectrum...but rather the milder everyday "narcissism".

I wonder if I did my dad injustice by seeing him as personality disordered...when maybe a whole lot of boys his age were brought up this way. Or am I excusing too much now?

Liketheducks · July 24, 2026, 01:27:04 PM

I think this isn't just a boomer thing....but rather could affect anyone who grew up without being aware of their own emotions or being made to stifle them. And "doing" as an apology, rather than having to feel the discomfort of more obvious accountability seems pretty common. I know plenty of Boomers, Gen X, and other generations who fit that description - but also many who CAN be more emotionally present.

My boomer dad who was abusive was actually pretty emotionally there/present....maybe too much so, as I ended up feeling like I needed to regulate his emotions as well as my own.

I think the bottom line is less about generations and more about being able to make those repairs. Your post speaks to me about you radically accepting that this is heartbreakingly sad AND this is who he is. That realization gave me a lot of peace with my parents. Doesn't make me want to have a closer relationship with them, but does alleviate some of my FOG around our relationship. It helps me to stop blaming myself for the breakdown. It also helps me to show up more as an adult when I interact with them, rather than trying to continue getting from them what I didn't receive as a child.

My husband is a Gen X'er who was brought up with older Boomer parents who absolutely neglected him emotionally. They were there for him financially and were consistent in their parenting, but never said I'm sorry or I love you....or I'm proud of you. They would tell ME how proud they are of their son, but not him.

Whereas, my father would say he loved me, was proud of me, etc....and then would physically abuse me, couldn't hold down a job, and our homelife was anything but stable. Talk about a mind-f$ck. Though, he can't acknowledge that he abused me. So, I grew up thinking that love might always come with some kind of abuse and my husband grew up with "doing" as love. Match made in heaven....right?

I feel like we talk about these things so much more now. Certainly, you can't look at the news without hearing something about the "epidemic" of estrangement in the US. There has always been estrangement, it just wasn't spoken about.

I don't think there is a right or wrong answer in "excusing too much". This is who he is. It sounds like you have real empathy for the way your dad processes negative emotions. That doesn't mean you are obligated to choose to be around that behavior.

One thing that touches my heart is watching my husband be more emotionally present with our son than he received from his father. They hug, and share I love you's and I'm proud of you's. It is possible to move the needle forward, even if you're brought up in a more emotionally closed off environment.

I think, also, that boomer generation women didn't have the ability to be as financially independent, as we do now. I think a lot of women just stayed and accepted that as norm because the alternative wasn't feasible.

I don't think there is a right or wrong answer here. But, I do hear your compassion and empathy.

I also feel like NPD gets convoluted with just general narcissistic behavior. I feel like there is a spectrum...and we all can be guilty of narc behavior from time to time.

Deborah · July 25, 2026, 02:14:01 AM

"They would tell ME how proud they are of their son, but not him."

Thank you for your nuanced approach. I will answer better later, I'm going out in a minute. But this one hit home. My parents always criticized me. In daily ways and in verbally abusive ways ("you are the bad child who is the cause of all the family's problems"). When I'd ask my friends what they liked about me, they said: sweet, open, creative. Mum blanked and could not think of even one positive thing about me. Until she stuttered: "eh...maybe you are analytically strong?"

Then I met friends of hers and they said: "she always said you were very sweet, she speaks lovingly about you". In a reprimanding tone. Apparently she'd told them I had complained about her criticism. It weirded me out. My mum would say general "I love you's". But never seemed to see anything positive in me. So it did not feel like she actually loved or even liked me. Then why is she telling others she is proud? And she sees good things??

NarcKiddo · July 25, 2026, 10:55:48 AM

My mother is always telling others she is proud and trotting out her children like show ponies. That reflects well on her and bolsters her ego. As for an apology - it will never happen. And she has much to apologise for. She once told me my sister is angry at her and is holding old grudges. I have a fair idea of what these grudges are about. I suggested to my mother that if she thinks she may have done something wrong to cause these grudges then it was open to her to say sorry. She looked at me like I had three heads. Apparently there is no point in apologising for past actions because you cannot change them. My mother has not been diagnosed with anything but her behaviour is absolutely classic NPD, not just narcissistic. My father, too, just more covert. They do not accept blame and do not apologise. They will occasionally do something to keep or attain family harmony. My mother recently paid me off because she had behaved very badly towards me, in public, and knew she had. I do not believe she gave me this gift of money because she was sorry but because she realised I genuinely had something I could call her out on and she would never want that. It was, essentially, hush money.

I can understand the point about a generation of boys, especially, being brought up not to show emotion. Fine. But I do not think they were brought up not to be accountable unless they were brought up in dysfunctional families.

Deborah · July 25, 2026, 01:18:03 PM

You are right. I always try to find explanations that make him kinder than he is.

He can be rather brutal. When I told them I suffered recent sexual violence, he said: "haha were you raped?" When he beat me to the ground recently, he said: "haha you didn't even need to go to hospital, maybe you just slipped by yourself, when I hit your face, haha".

That's not a 1950s upbringing. That's abuse.

He can also be incredibly sneaky. He played a horrid manipulation game to keep me traumatized, steal my child, manipulate him into dependency, smear me with family and friends, fool CPS and police. He's extremely covert. And uses all my weakest and dearest spots to wreck my life. While making me look like the problem. And steal my child. And raise him in a way I hate. Because it indeed tries to make kid into a show pony. He focuses on intellect, looks, riches, work success, etc. And every single time I want to teach him things like faith, or genuine connection, or care for outcasts, or simple life, or nature...it is undermined.

I wanted to suicide myself because of my father for a long time. He did not seem to care. He continued the bullying, while I begged for him to stop. He found admitting fault worse than his child suiciding because of him. (I will not, do not worry).

He has learned to say sorry lately. But I consider it a trick. He says it in a way that is not an apology at all.

"I am sorry you experienced it that way".
"I have said things wrong as well, but I already admitted that, so now you must move on."
"I maybe did two little things wrong in my life, but I already said sorry for them, so why are we still talking about that?"

I mean... that's not sorry. That is: can you please shut up about this, so I can continue my days without being bothered? While you and your child carry all the hurt? You are right. This is not 1950s. This is disorder due to a dysfunctional family.

Liketheducks · July 25, 2026, 04:59:30 PM

The more I hear about your father, the less empathy I have for him. Crikey!

I've done a metric f-ton of therapy. My father is essentially toothless around me now. He has no power. I stay away, because my body knows no different and still goes into panic around him. Though, from afar, I can empathize with the child he once was that may have made him the way he is. Just as I can empathize for the little version of Ladybug.

But, you can do that from far, far, far, away.

NarcKiddo · July 26, 2026, 04:32:08 AM

Quote from: Liketheducks on July 25, 2026, 04:59:30 PMI've done a metric f-ton of therapy. My father is essentially toothless around me now. He has no power. I stay away, because my body knows no different and still goes into panic around him.

Same. And it can be so very frustrating when we know but our body doesn't. And sometimes downright alarming because it is easy to do something that the rational adult part of us is totally fine with only to find ourselves in a horrible emotional mess anyway.

Deborah - those instances you relate are absolutely abuse. Nothing whatsoever to do with a 1950s upbringing. I'm sorry you've had to deal with that.

Deborah · July 26, 2026, 06:00:18 AM

Thank you. Dad did horrible things with horrible consequences. But I do empathize. I even feel guilt and shame. He is not a monster. He is an autistic and highly damaged man.

I've learned only a small part of his childhood. He only told me a slight bit. He shields his vulnerable sides as if his life depended on it. I think he grew up very unsafe and unsupported. I think he simply never developped the social and emotional skills to be a better father than he is.

My trauma - and I showed that in a way that was also highly stressful to those around me - was terrifying to him. He does not link his own behaviour, or other context, to my response. He is incapable. He is contextblind. He is emotionally blind. So if he beats me down, and I yell "stop the abuse"...he doesn't do cause&effect thinking. He doesn't think: she logically yells because I just abused her. He thinks: this crazy woman is suddenly yelling at me and she is scary and hurts me and I have no clue why, because I'm a good person.

I did wrong...in the sense that my faith asks of me to stay true to my own values and not fight evil with evil. Had I done that...we would have long escaped the situation.

I try remember my father as the man who also has kind sides. He did loving and tender and helpful things as well. Endearing even. There's a good side to him, and I wish to keep seeing it. And feeding it.

We got stuck in a cycle of violence...mutually hurting each other. Even if I tried to break that, and they just pointed at me with all of them. But I should have distanced until I was healed enough to stick to my calm and gentle and joyful original self. With the help of God.

I now, indeed, panic as soon as I am near my dad. My body goes into fight/flight/freeze/fawn. My child should never have grown up in my parents care. And I should have had the strength to distance when I still could, with my child.

My aim is now to feed the calm and loving side within myself...and do all that is needed for that...so that my child can feel safer with me. For this I need to forgive and love my dad...from as much distance as I need to stay safe within myself and towards my kid. I pray there's still time.

sleipnir · July 29, 2026, 07:19:55 AM

QuoteWhen I told them I suffered recent sexual violence, he said: "haha were you raped?" When he beat me to the ground recently, he said: "haha you didn't even need to go to hospital, maybe you just slipped by yourself, when I hit your face, haha".

I'm autistic and I can tell you , that's not OK. I'd never say that about a rape victim even at my lowest point.

It literally sounds like you live with real life Peter Griffin, all you need now is a talking dog and hyper-intelligent baby sociopath and you'll be Meg Griffin.

Deborah · August 07, 2026, 02:52:21 AM

Hey. Thank you. Yeah, it is absolute crazy. He says things like this always.

"It was very dumb of you to not just walk away" - about incest by an uncle as a toddler. I had to spell out to him why a toddler cannot walk away when a violent man holds her to have sex.

Or:
"You had a difficult character as a child."
"Nobody else thought that. Could you explain why. With concrete examples"
"You would want to come on a family visit, and not come, and come. Very difficult."
"Yes, and when was this? What happened right before?"
"I don't know."
"Incest on a family visit".
"What on earth does THAT have to do with it?!?"
"Eh...."

"Well?!?"
"Eh...what do you think I felt at the time? Why would I not have visited?"
"How should I now?!?!?"
"Guess. May it be fear? Would I have tried to avoid more CSA?"
"Well that would have been highly illogical."
"Eh...dad?"
"You just wanted to be difficult. Do you know how difficult it was for us, that you did not want to visit?"
"CSA, dad..."
"There was no logical reason at all to be frightened."
"..."
"If you were scared, it is rather STRANGE - humiliating tone - ...that you did not want to visit others either..."
"Eh, no...I did not know if they were unsafe either."
"Well, we knew. There was no reason to be scared. You were just being a difficult child."

I mean...how can a father be this brutal. What monster are you...if this is how you see a toddler how is sexually abused?

Call Me Cordelia · August 07, 2026, 06:26:53 AM

Deborah, please stop torturing yourself trying to get understanding from your father. And please stop blaming yourself. I see extraordinary efforts at compassion where you have received none. There is no excuse for that and it's not your responsibility to excuse or explain it. It is your responsibility to take care of yourself and your child, and your inner child. You are a sweet soul who deserved so much protection.

Deborah · August 09, 2026, 06:41:27 AM

Thank you.

It just doesn't feel that way. I cannot possibly see myself as a good person. My family - they haven't seen me in decades. And CPS - they see me a few times a year. They all believe my dad. They judge. They tell me dad is so very gentle and manipulable...and I am a horrid person who only blames others and manipulates...

...and there's this twilight zone where I do not know whether their stories are true.

People I know say no. People who see me a few times a week say I am calm and gentle and sensitive. And that I listen with empathy to even the most damaged of people. But my family cannot see that. They have always seen only evil in me. My mum could not even think of one positive thing about me to say, when I asked her for my strengths.

My family and CPS say "I should look at my part in the problem more". But I've been beating myself up for years over everything wrong in the family and the world. I apologized to all my childhood abusers. I sometimes daren't even buy my necessities because people get hurt for them.

How much more do they want me to look at my part? When they will not glance at theirs for a second?

I do have outbursts of anger at them...saying they abuse me and I cannot take it anymore. They take it as proof of how bad I am. And do not see I am protesting their own abuse. I make their lies true in this way. And they try to arouse a response like this on purpose always.

I want to be there for my child. But they have bought him with their spoilings...and he sees my distress and withdraws. I no longer know how to be there for him. He's a teen boy too, so that makes it more difficult.

NotCryingGlitter · August 13, 2026, 12:51:31 PM

This is some general thoughts, instead of responses to some specific questions above (I'm leaving the house soon), but God gave us free will, and people choose how they react. It is not your fault if someone chooses to react in a bad way -- or treat you bad. You're not a criminal. It's not self-defense from them. You are trying to be a good person, and you are being treated badly by people who are LETTING the devil direct their path, even though they have the ability to brush the devil off their shoulder. Do the best to take care of yourself and remind yourself that you are not the one at fault for their actions.

As for the generational thing, I haven't watched the video, but I do want to say that, although abuse is abuse...I do believe there is some truth to generational differences, in terms of how a home is ran. Some of it is also culture -- in the South, men tend to be raised to be dominant over women, and those women are raised to accept it, which leads to them believing that physical abuse is justified (that it's not abuse). They take "wives submit to your husbands" out of context and raise their kids with teaching that actual abuse is considered discipline. While this happened even more in past generations, it's still prevalent in the South, due to people accepting things as truth without even considering that those Bible verses are taken out of context by the people who use them to attempt to justify abuse.

When it comes to generational differences, there are some things that we have to just say "it was a different time" about, like girls being raised to marry in high school. I'm not talking about any pedophiles, but just people getting married younger and it being universally accepted for a lot of girls to marry in high school, etc. A lot of us had grandparents marry that young, with some age differences, but they were not pedophiles, etc. It was just how so many people were raised -- teens were considered almost adults or adults (or treated that way). Thankfully, although we wouldn't have wanted our grandparents to have any less time together or less time with us, more recent generations became aware of how important it is to let kids have a full childhood and focus on being adults after their teenage years are over.

Also, thankfully, though it's still prevalent in certain communities, especially in the South, there is a broader awareness of what is discipline vs. what is abuse, and what is Biblical truth vs. what is domestic violence. Progress counts, but there's still a long way to go.