Given an ultimatum for Christmas

ChelseyTrombley · August 11, 2026, 11:03:56 AM

I was given an ultimatum for Christmas where either I go over to my parents house or we don't do Christmas at all.

The backstory is my mother sent a text saying that she wanted to do Christmas at her house. I asked why, and her reasoning was for loading and unloading presents. I offered to load and unload presents and also put their presence in three manageable boxes. I then sent another text saying that I wanted to do Christmas at my house because we were traveling to my fiancé's family that day too.

Over two weeks later, I am still getting the silent treatment from her. I called my father to see if I could get an answer in which he responded with the ultimatum because I changed our Christmas tradition to include my fiancé's family. My father also thinks I should have reached out to my mother again to try to reconcile and is also using the road goes both ways theory.

I feel like I'm having to choose in between my fiancé's family and my family. I also feel like Christmas is ruined at this point because I don't think any of us really want to spend too much time together. The last few Christmases we have only spent about two hours together. The question is do I give in and go over to my parents house knowing that my fiancé is the reason they're upset or do I stand my ground and have them over to my house with the chance that they might not show up.

Tribe16 · August 11, 2026, 01:31:04 PM

What would make YOU the happiest? Do that thing. Behaving like pouting children (your parents) is not an optimal way to get what you want. Is if right for you to reward them for that kind of behavior? You can be kind, hold your ground, say "X makes the most sense for me and my fiance, this way we can visit with both families". Either they agree, or they don't. If they don't you can be kind and say "I'm sorry we couldn't find a compromise. Hopefully we can get together after the holidays" (if that is what you want).

Don't reward bad behavior. Good luck and you are not doing ANYTHING wrong by holding a boundary.

NotCryingGlitter · August 13, 2026, 04:33:07 PM

No matter what you decide, I feel like it's easier to leave their house vs. kicking them out of yours, if it came down to it. Say you go eat at their house, then if things get dramatic, you can just leave. If they're at your house, then it causes even more chaos (they will cause it) to make them leave. And if you're traveling to the other family's house that day, it's still easier to leave the parents' house than to leave your house.

I guess the way my brain works is that I always have a plan for the worst case scenario, or a backup plan, and if it's a situation where the parents tend to cause drama, then you can always pick up and leave their house...but if it's at your house, imagine what their reaction would be to you asking them to leave. At least that's the way it would work for me, since mine want to cause extra drama at holidays. Plus I wouldn't want them in my house (when I get my own) messing with anything. I wouldn't put it past mine to try and throw some camera in a room or airtag in a bag.

ChelseyTrombley · August 14, 2026, 07:33:46 AM

Update on this situation. We agreed to do Christmas at their house and then the next day, my mother canceled Christmas because I did not call her because she wanted to ask me a question. The few Christmas gifts they had for me were dropped off at my house and they won't accept any of their Christmas gifts. Me and my mother are now permanently no contact.

NarcKiddo · August 14, 2026, 09:18:05 AM

It sounds like that was a long time coming. I'm sorry for the stress it has caused you.

bloomie · August 14, 2026, 10:25:33 AM

What a turn of events, Chelsey! I am just so sorry things have devolved to NC with your mother. That is terribly painful.

It is August... is it usual in your FOO to nail down the details and plans for Christmas in August?

Is this the moment when you claim your holidays as belonging to you and your fiancé? Does this behavior on your parents' part offer you an opportunity to begin to build your own traditions, eat the food you love, spend time with people who are gracious and loving going forward?

Did you agree, sign on the dotted line, confirm in any way or ever agree that you would spend your holidays at your parents beck and call for the rest of their lives?

Or is this a time when your parents are disappointed and they will have to learn to deal with being disappointed? Like all parents of adult children have to do?

Stepping away is wise and what I gently want to suggest is that this ruining your holidays is within your power to accept or move through and reject.

ChelseyTrombley · August 15, 2026, 06:43:45 AM

I actually feel relieved that my mother cut me off. I knew doing Christmas with them this year was not going to be good and I figured conflict would arise before then. The reason we were figuring out Christmas stuff so early is because it is a very big and important holiday in our lives. I feel like now me and my fiancé can go on with life and make new Christmas traditions.

bloomie · August 18, 2026, 09:52:18 PM

Quote from: ChelseyTrombley on August 15, 2026, 06:43:45 AMI actually feel relieved that my mother cut me off. I knew doing Christmas with them this year was not going to be good and I figured conflict would arise before then. The reason we were figuring out Christmas stuff so early is because it is a very big and important holiday in our lives. I feel like now me and my fiancé can go on with life and make new Christmas traditions.

This is brilliant and a great perspective.