What would you do?

[Bdb89207]

went no contact with my emotionally and mentally abusive/ neglectful narcissist mother for about 5 years. Around our baby's 6 month birthday, we decided to reconnect with her so that our baby could know her family. This led to my mom asking to be invited to gigis 1 year party, which we graciously allowed.

I recently learned from ny sister that my mom has been talking bad about my Family behind our back. At the 1 year birthday she met my husband's family fir the first time and was saying how fat everyone was, that they were using me to pay for their entire trip, and saying she suspected my husband's mom was a lesbian. All of which is not true.

She was also saying my husband was so fat he's going to die of a heart attack and not see our daughter grow up and that he's making me and our baby fat too.

She also used to work for the federal home loan bank and admitted to my sister that she used her employee credentials to run a credit abd background check on my husband and said she didnt understand why I wanted to marry him because we'd never be able to own a home because of his bad credit. I filed an ethics report about that with the bank.

The whole thing is just textbook her, but I feel particularly violated because in good faith we let this person back into our lives and this is how you treat it. Which is especially jarring when our relationship isn't even fully repaired and it's only been 6 months.

We dont want to confront her because she'll just lie and play the victim. But we're thinking about slowly disconnecting again and definitely not allowing her into our home again.

We dont need that energy around us making me feel bad or even making our daughter feel self conscious down the line. Or even just making up reasons to judge and talk bad about our family. i just feel so violated, and disappointed that someone, especially my mother, could be so cruel judgmental and two faced. Even after so long no contact

Not sure how to proceed. What would you do?

[moglow]

Hey there! I'm sorry you're experiencing this - and kinda not. She's showing who she is, who she's likely always been. Painful as it may be, it's kinda nice to have that confirmation.

I saw a lot of that with mine, playing nice on the surface but shredding people behind their backs. It took a long time for me to realize that the vile things she said to me about others, she was saying about me as well. She'd never changed, had no intention of changing. Any confrontation just served to leave her all self righteous and smug, like she was justified.

Honestly, I hope you can quietly back away and live your lives. Don't tell her anything you don't want the world to know, don't ask for or accept help from her, don't give her anything to hold over your heads. And really, do you want that around your child? You know how she's been with you, is there any reason to believe she'll be better with your child? Maybe even consider warning your sister, that mother's very likely saying and doing the same kind of things behind her back as well.

[Bdb89207]

Thank you. This is super helpful,  and you're right. This all came to light because I told my sister all the stuff she'd been saying behind her back over the years. My sister was shocked and hurt because she thought she was the one our mom gossipped WITH and not ABOUT, so my sister started telling me the truth about everything my mom had been saying and doing.

You're right, no change and distance is best. Not a good example for our child by any sense.

[ChelseyTrombley]

I would go back to no contact with her. She obviously is crossing many boundaries and it's not fair for her to create conflict in between you and your spouse. I think it's also important that you want to protect your child's mental health down the line.

I recently had my narcissistic mother go no contact with me and it's probably the best thing to happen because she was a lot like your mother when it comes to making up stories, invading peoples privacy and making rude comments to start conflict.

[Liketheducks]

What is it about NPD mom's and shredding people behind their backs??   My mom does the same.   It is like she tries to connect with people by creating a common enemy.   

When she tries to trash people with me, I just don't engage with that anymore.   I change the subject OR if she insists on going down that road, I ask her why this is important to her....and that usually puts the focus on her behavior rather than the party she's trashing....and she doesn't like that.   It doesn't serve her goal of bonding with me over a common enemy.   She last went off on my sister-in-law's mother being a prostitute some 40 years ago.   I asked her why that mattered....even if she was (which she wasn't).   Mom told me to just let me know what "kind of people" they are.   I have no relationship with my SIL's mom....so what do I care.   

As far as disengaging further, I would.   Trying to drive a wedge between you and your husband would be a deal breaker for me.   You have no control over what she says to others when you're not around.   But the truth has a way of coming out.   If someone trashes others in front of you...you can be certain that do it about you when you're not around.   Very emotionally immature in my mind.   

[HeadAboveWater]

Bdb89207, I am sorry you've had this experience. While I absolutely agree with moglow that it is important to see your mother for who she is, I know that it must sting. I hope you give yourself space for the anger and grief around this new knowledge of your mother's behavior and your sister's role in the family dynamic.

To your question in the post subject, I'd return to no contact. But that's me, and I am not in your shoes.

One of the things I experienced from growing up in dysfunction and internalizing that FOG was a normal way to live was a loss of self esteem. CBT and traditional therapy exercises just couldn't bring it back for me. What helped--over a long period of time--was being selectively confrontational. When I knew I was going to end a relationship (typically employment, romantic, or with a service provider in my case) it felt good to be frank and then to calmly walk away, letting the other person know why I was disappearing. I didn't yell, sermonize, or explain my feelings. I would make a simple statement of "I know that you did/said_______. That crosses a line for me and will never be something I feel ok about. So I'm going to leave/stop contacting you now." Alternatively, I might say something like, "I have noticed that there is a pattern of ______. I've seen it when x, y, and z happened. I'm not here to discuss it. I just wanted to make it clear that I have reached my limit and need to walk away." Because I was willing to lose some relationships (addition by subtraction), I decided I didn't care about the other person's reaction. I could truly release myself from trying to keep the interaction calm and from trying to heal the breach in the relationship. This practice strengthened my boundary muscle so that I could better deal with far less harmful interactions with other people and stay true to myself. It was also good practice in not engaging in DARVO or over-explaining in an effort to fawn. All of that said, this was just my experience. I share in case it might be helpful, but I understand that we are all coming from different places and can have different needs and goals. 

The second part of my "What would you do?" answer is to start work on building up a chosen family. It's hard work, especially with a baby and especially when you feel vulnerable after a difficult interaction with a parent. That said, this isn't a sprint. It's a lifelong practice of intentionally, gradually meeting new people and working on cultivating close friendships through small conversations, short texts, shared experiences, doing small favors, etc. It may take years to feel trust and to build bonds, but it is so worthwhile to start reaching out and making positive connections. You might be surprised by who accepts your invitations and who impresses you in a good way. The more great people you have in your life, the less tempting it is to return to difficult people when you need support.