Processing about my covert narcissistic MIL’s behaviour with my FIL’s passing

[Boundarykeeper]

Hi there! This is my first time joining a group and to share my story. I've read the book {Out of the FOG} and it helped me tremendously so I hope I found the right place to share this.

This is my story and I hope this story helps some people who are experiencing something similar.

Last year, my FIL passed away. He was such a good guy and I've always respected him. Everyone loved him. He had battled cancer for a long time and after so many surgeries he became wheelchair dependent in 2024. Right when that happened, my MIL's mental health went downhill. She had suffered with severe depression, anxiety and delusions with UTI.

So we — my partner, me and our baby — decided to move in with them to help out both parents. In the moving in process, because of FIL's wheelchair access needs, it made sense for my in laws to stay downstairs and for us to move in upstairs. My MIL had a such difficult time about this. She felt that she had to be kicked out of her own house into the basement. We fell for her, asked if she preferred us not to move in but she said she wanted us to move in. So we did. The complaint never stopped.

Moving fast forward, my FIL's last days came close. Doctors prepared us for it and FIL expressed that he wants to stay home until the end of his life which we were willing to respect. However, each day, my MIL's behaviours became super emotional — most of the comments were "poor me, my partner is dying, I can't have conversations with him, I am stuck in this house with him, he is weird now, I am scared, it's hard to take care of him...". She was the biggest victim in this situation. It was all about her. She made sure to sob, cry, talk about it as long as she wants to us everyday.

As day goes, she quickly became extremely hostile, aggressive and abusive — one example, while FIL trying to watch TV, she would ask him to stop changing the channels, don't watch that, too loud, why there is no sound, give me the remote! And then actually took the remote away from him by grabbing it hard from his fragile hand. Multiple times. It was really hard to watch and I defended for him as much as I could. Whenever I defend for him, she turns the whole conversation about her and how hard it is for her to watch him like this. Then we reassured her that she is doing her best and we understand.

It even got worse to the point where it became clear that it is not safe for my FIL with her anymore. He was such in pains the doctor advised us to give him pain meds whenever he wanted. However, we later learned that she withholds the pain meds believing that he shouldn't take too much pain meds. There were times FIL called me and asked for pain meds whispering so MIL doesn't hear us. Before I give him the meds, I communicated with MIL so everyone in the house is aware of how much pain meds he's taken, etc. When I asked her how much pain meds he's taken today and let her know that he could take more since he is in pain, as doctor ordered, she instantly got very upset towards me and made sarcastic comments such as — so now you are going to take care of him, he shouldn't take more than this amount, you are giving him medication behind my back, I am controlling, etc. My partner and I had to calm her down, reassure her that we know how hard it is for you, you are doing great, he is lucky to have you, etc. and then reminded her about doctors order.

Everyday she painfully expressed how hard it is for her for hours, everyday to us so we understood that she isn't doing well mentally. This emotional dumping at that time, we thought we should listen to her to help her grief. Hours of dumping made us exhausted with a baby to take care of and grief of passing FIL. Weirdly, whenever we suggested the idea of having him in the hospice as medical team recommended for his last days, she said "I couldn't do that to him... people are going to think that I am a horrible person..." and started to sob.

However as soon as this conversation ends, her behavior toward FIL became more brutal. Lots of yelling, mean comments, disclose information that we don't really need to hear in front of him — describing details of his BM accidents every time. She didn't have to even clean that up. We had nurses, caregivers coming in and out to help with him 4-5 times a day, yet, she complained as if she is doing all the work for him to take care of him — the only thing she did was to microwave foods for him here and there. We did cooking, ordered meals to share, etc. She did not want to cook.

After so many of these same painful days, my partner made a call. We almost had to "convince her" for her to agree on hospice decision. She pretended to refuse but I could clearly see, that is what she wanted. Now I know why she had to act like this and manipulated my partner into making the call. She had to be the "perfect widow who tried to take care of him til the last as he wished but her son and daughter in law forced her to make this decision". I didn't want to learn about this, but later on, this is the blame we had to take from her family member. She wrote a story in her own way. Sadly, he passed away in the hospice within 10days.

On the day of his passing, I can't forget how awkward MIL was. If you've experienced with your loved ones passing, you would know how it looks and how you feel. After the staff told us that he only has few hours left since he is showing the signs, we were devastated. I've known him only for 3-4 years but he was my dad. We whispered in his ears how much we love him and he is a good dad, good person. I massaged his arms and hands as they were getting stiff and cold.

My MIL, who had been with him for over 50 years, love of life according to her, stood awkwardly farther, said "Eww, why is his skin so sticky. It's so weird". I can't forget that comment. At that time, I thought that she was maybe in denial or too scared of this reality. Maybe this is a part of grieving process for her. Now, I think it could have been a narcissist expressing — he is in no use for me anymore. No empathy. She was just done.

There are so much more about my MIL but I think I should stop here as I am getting emotional with my FIL's passing story. I am still missing him and wishing I was stronger for him. Wishing I knew things I know now..

I will come soon to share much more details on with my MIL afterwards.

Thanks for reading my story and I welcome any comments that you share with me.

[xredshoesx]

welcome to the group @Boundarykeeper,

my sincerest condolences on the passing of your beloved FIL.  from what you shared, he may have been the glue that held your MIL together.   For you, your partner and child to try to help is amazing and an act of love.  Please don't beat yourself up about feeling manipulated for him to be in hospice-  if you can, try to think of it this way-  not knowing how aware he was of your MIL and the energy she was projecting towards the end, being in hospice was a neutral location where he was finally able to peacefully transition in a space that was only about him, his needs and him getting the round the clock care he needed at the end because you all did THE BEST you could in the situation and THINK how much worse it could have been for him had you not sacrificed your own family's needs and moved in with them.

with your MIL it's hard to say if it's old age/ dementia/ uPD.  the things you've seen over the years you've been with your partner will fill that in more, as well as their experiences growing up with their parents and how their mom treated them and how their father may have reacted to her behaviors.  in either situation, we can support anyone who is dealing with a difficult person (PD or no PD) by using boundaries and communication strategies to lessen her ability to target you, your partner or your child.

holding space for you today- it's a lot to unpack once you start thinking about all the things you've seen and heard about over the years.  we're listening when you are ready to share more.

[Boundarykeeper]

Hi, thank you so much for your thoughtful response and taking time to share this with me.

I'd like to share a bit more of stories with you.

My partner and I recently realized that my FIL had been my MIL's emotional regulator for their whole life. They had been together for such a long time(they've met when they were teenagers), enmashed probably neither of them was aware. My FIL had tremendous patience with people and knew how to calm my MIL down and accommodate her needs. It was clear, right after his death or even as soon as he was on wheelchair my MIL decided to give that role to her son, my partner and me.

My partner, the most caring person I've ever met, of course loves his mom and we tried to accommodate her needs as much as we could while taking care of a baby at home. She wasn't happy with one meal together so we started adding two, three meals, dinner together, conversation time together after dinner... nothing made her happy. It made everyone miserable.

With three meals we cook for her, then she gets angry for the food option that we provided and cried for us not knowing what she likes, so therefore, we don't care about her. She got upset if we told her we are going out for dinner. When we suggest to go out to eat together, she refused because she is depressed and got sad that we don't understand and got upset for the fact that we keep on asking her. With dinner together at home, she had a reason to argue and cry because something we did and we always ended up apologizing and felt guilty. There was no solution here. Whatever we suggested, she refused with anger, sobbing, guilt tripping, threatening. The only solution for her seemed like, she wanted us to suffer with her in the house. She wanted us to be drowning with her.

Over time, slowly we could see that she is starting to enmash with us;

endless questions about our schedules and reading our family calendar and asked who we are meeting, when we are coming home, how are you going to provide meal on that day for me, etc... when I say endless, it's truly endless. Once she starts questioning, she doesn't stop. The questions are never how we are doing, they were all for detailed information — who, when, how, why, where. Nothing for a true connection. I thought that is her way of connecting with me at first. After answering ten questions while preparing dinner, when I said "Not everything on the calendar is up for a discussion mom, if it includes you, I'll let you know." This first boundary I set triggered her. She acted dramatically and overly apologetic but doesn't stop asking and being sarcastic, "Oh, I am so sorry! But can I ask you why you can't tell me? I am just curious! I need to know when you are coming and going out of MY HOUSE! It's my house! Right?"

The similar situations like this happened everyday and every time we spent time with her. These all happened with our baby presented. When we asked her not to scream, not to force the conversation while baby is present, she didn't care. She seemed to think that her emotional dumping is more important than anything else. She had to do it when she wants, however she wants in front of whomever she chooses.

We slowly learned that spending time more doesn't help her and our mental health became really fragile. My partner and I both are peaceful people. We don't argue normally. Around this time, our relationship became very tense and we were on the edge all the time.. I sometimes burst out crying and not knowing the reasons and my partner was so unhappy. We needed help.

That's when I started my therapy. However because I had no knowledge around narcissism at the time, my therapist and I were mainly focused on my own self growth. It helped in its own way but there was always something I couldn't understand and I was so frustrated with the fact that the same scenarios happening at home over and over.

Some days were good if she was regulated then we spent more time with her sharing things with her. When days are bad, she will guilt trip, threaten, passive suicidal talks, her friends and sister calls and leaves voicemails on our phones giving advice on how we should be nicer to her, or threaten us with such terms; elderly abuse, taking advantage of her, will call the cops...

The thing was, it didn't matter what we say or do. We never could know when is going to be a good day or bad day. Everyday felt like walking on the eggshells.

Thanks for the advice and I would definitely do more research on to figure out if she does this out of grief, just old age, or just difficult personality. Because she has been hospitalized for her anxiety and depression and getting assessed by her psychiatrist regularly, we are positive that she doesn't have dementia at this moment.

Thank you for your time and positive energy ❤️🙏