Feeling I am the only problem

[Deborah]

What if I have always been the bad guy in the story? What if my family is right and they are wonderful and I am really the bad guy?

[1footouttadefog]

That is not likely to be true.  It's rarely just one side that gets all blame in any difficult relationship.

But let's just suppose it's all you for the sake of argument.  If it's all you and it's hard, perhaps there is a total mismatch that is causing harm emotional or otherwise to both parties.  If you are the only one with blame then you have the entire game to play, all of the moves to make.

There is no compromise to be made of it's all you.  There is no trying harder, of its all you, because that would mean things get worse. There is no being heard or having your side or views listened to because the fault has already been assigned.  No evidence or impact statements matter because the judge jury and sentencing processes have already been deemed to have taken place. 

Perhaps some time away from those who blame you will bring peace and time to find your real chosen tribe. 

So for clarity I am not saying you are to blame, but that being among those who seek to blame only one side, is impossible to improve because all paths forward are blocked. 

[blunk]

Just the fact that you are contemplating the possibility shows a level of self-awareness that is not present in a PD or an abuser.

[Rebel13]

I have thought and worried about this too. But then I think, well, if that were the case, then the best thing for them would be to stay away from them, which I am doing. The people around me now don't seem to think I am bad for them. I'm not intruding on anyone's life or forcing anyone to relate to me. The cops aren't after me for anything. So under those circumstances it seems almost like a moot point or a matter of opinion.

[1footouttadefog]

I know it's not just me because when I am at work, church, or just standing in line at the store, people seem to get along with me.  They enjoy my company and there are so few awkward weirdnesses and misunderstandings. 

Sort of how my keys never go missing when I am away from the house or when he is away from the house.  They only go missing in the few minutes before we are headed out together and it's amazing that they were always on the same corner of the prep station all along like I would never look there first sense they always manifest there.  (Decoy and multiple key sets ruined this game for him)

 

[MaxedOut]

 
My ex had similar issues we fire and after me in various spheres of life and relationships. Whether a spouse or FOO, a good bit of grounding is asking whether getting accused of whatever awful things is also occurring with others (for yourself and for them). Also as mentioned, the fact that you are even questioning this and concerned about it indicates you are not a PWPD or abusive traits.

[hhaw]

Deborah:  If you're angry about being assaulted as a child, if you're invested in justice (or just being heard, understood and protected) it's likely you've been labeled as "the problem" by all the people who neeed your silence, to keep the peace, at your expense, of course.

From my brother. I've heard.....
"just get over it."
"Figure out what you're doing wrong,and stop it."
"Maybe he was drinking."
"I'm not sure you got it right."

This, in reference to different incidents.  One involving our grandfather in childhood. Many others involving stalkers, and threateningly aggressive male behavior, two requiring TROs.

Once, my grandfather grabbed my entire young adult  arse cheek, in front of my brother and my father, and I looked into my brother's eyes......and waited....arse jiggling.  I saw my brother's stress levels rise, and I continued to watch, as he vibrated upright, and ordered ME "to move!" My father said nothing, but my brother felt an imperative to order me to resolve the problem, as he saw it, and my grandmother wasn't assigned blame.  I was assigned responsibility.

Assigning blame to the victim, and asking them to keep the peace, is easier than holding men accountable, esp when they're close family members. Truthfully, it might blow the entire family apart, to hold them accountable, but.....
that just tells us where little girls and women ARE in the patriarchy.  Under men....beneath the breadwinners....and they want to keep us in the home, performing unpaid labor, making their lives easier, while normalizing abuse, and control, IME. It's been a really good deal for men! In every way, generally, not for those dealing with PD abusive spouses, of course.

Asking girls to stop tempting males, instead of asking males to stop being creepy, entitled and dangerous....is the norm, ime.

A woman's anger is considered more problematic, than the acts creating the anger.  It's wrong. I'm not sure there's any real peace to be made, unless we make it for ourselves.

And the men.....present themselves as protectors.... that's part of the bargain we're supposed to accept as reason to stay small, not rock the boat.....right?

What terrible shame they must feel, but now we're caretaking their feelings, providing safe containers for their dysregulated emotions, bc we're now protecting ourselves from our protectors too!

Once my brother threatened me with withdrawing all "help." He considered himself to be a "resource" in general, and I was "blowing it," by speaking frankly with him. That threat usually sent my chemistry flooding with anxiety.  But that one time, I was very calm, bc I wasn't receiving any help anyway.....so, I said.....
"I wouldn't know how to go about getting any help from you, with anything." I was gentle, and spoke without blame. 

He was speechless, and had no response, bc it was the truth. 

He began trying, after that, though he's still a hypocritical man making promises he won't keep while minimizing harmful realities involving our family and culture, requiring women to be small, not rock the boat, or consider themselves equal to men.

My point is......I don't think it's just you, ((Deborah.))

[escapingman]

With my FOO it is ALL me, I have accepted that. I stepped out of pretending all was normal and I am doing my own things. I am popping in with them every now and then and it always show me the same story, I am not like them and I cannot play their dysfunctional games. I can hear how they talk about me behind my back despite living in a different country, but I have accepted it and I am mostly fine with it. I used to feel terrible guilt for not participating and visiting them, but they are equally not visiting me.

So for my two cents Deborah, it probably is all you, because you can see the truth and you are not participating anymore.

   

[hhaw]

Your dealing with collusive control
escapingman...seems like.  I hope your life away from your FOO is better in every way.  I hope your dd.... eventually both, can stop the generational patterns. 

I've noticed my youngest was identified as "trouble" in our FOO for noticing dysfunction.....and that's a very painful thing to reckon with.  I was too covered up in crisis to deal with it properly or make the proper corrections.

I was the "problem" in my FOO....the odd duck, the one who wanted to withdraw from family holidays, as a teenager/young adult, but my sister dragged me back in, again and again with
 "duty " and guilt. My sister's internalized misogyny battles with what she knows is right, as did mine.  It's a fight to see what's really there, discover boundaries and feel entitled to them with all the resistance countering best efforts, IME.





 

With my FOO it is ALL me, I have accepted that. I stepped out of pretending all was normal and I am doing my own things. I am popping in with them every now and then and it always show me the same story, I am not like them and I cannot play their dysfunctional games. I can hear how they talk about me behind my back despite living in a different country, but I have accepted it and I am mostly fine with it. I used to feel terrible guilt for not participating and visiting them, but they are equally not visiting me.

So for my two cents Deborah, it probably is all you, because you can see the truth and you are not participating anymore.