A tale of two friends

[Catothecat]

I recently had a "wake up" about two friends of mine, both of which I met while in high school.  One I considered my best friend, the other someone I liked to hang out with but wasn't particularly close to.  These two friends were also friends with each other.  After I got married and moved away, I had sporadic contact with the other friend, while was in regular contact with the best friend.  I would even get together with this best friend when I'd come back for visits.  All the while, the best friend was also telling me negative stories about this other friend.  There was always some "issue" between them, according to best friend, some bad behavior on the part of the other friend.  I wasn't there to witness any of it so naturally believed my best friend.

Then my so-called best friend ghosted me with no explanation.  The other friend said she was also ghosted but knew why (and it was pretty trivial but tracked with how my "best" friend always regarded her).  In time, "best friend" condescended to allow me to become Facebook friends with her, and we exchanged a couple "update" messages before she once again ghosted me.  The other friend, however, has been there all along.

I now realize how my mind had been poisoned against this other friend by the "best friend."  And I allowed it.  I wanted so badly to believe the "best friend" that I couldn't see how good a friend the other person was remaining.  She was making an effort to maintain the relationship while the "best friend" couldn't be bothered outside of what was convenient for her. I suspect she ghosted me because I told her I would no longer be coming in for visits since my family had moved from the area and I would have no one to stay with.  I was no longer able to do things with her, so why bother with the friendship, right?!  Yet it took me years and a recent message exchange with the other friend to realize how toxic my "best friend" had been.  I won't go into detail, just let me say I suddenly realized the other friend had always been a straightforward, honest person and the "best friend" wasn't and had never been.  The other friend was always there, the "best friend" was only there at her convenience.

For a while I felt really damned stupid for not seeing any of this earlier, but I now realize that's not a reflection on me because I assumed my "best friend" was being honest and straightforward.  Since I'm not her, I can't understand why she wouldn't be, why she had the need for all this manipulation.  Yet, it's up to her to explain herself, and I know she can't. She has to live with herself, I don't have to.  As much as I want to try to understand her, I know there's no point since nothing will change.  Why waste my time and energy on someone who doesn't deserve it or hasn't earned it.

I recently reiterated to my other friend how glad I was that she was still "there", even if we never see each other, even if our messages are only on facebook.  Those things may seem small, but they're still a part of a larger picture that would be less complete without them.  I only wish I'd realized all this years ago!

[bloomie]

Catothecat - I don't know how you could've realized this years ago since the best friend was not being honest with you. I get the wishing you would've see this earlier, but I believe that the most important thing is you see it now. And you have been able to stay connected to your other friend who has shown you they are genuine and truly care about you despite the miles that separate you!

Sounds like a lot to sort through with such a long history though!

[Catothecat]

Yep. I try not to feel bad about it or to blame myself too much, but I still do.  I created my own narrative based on the information provided primarily by one person and stuck to it for too many years.  It was a narrative that suited me, even if it wasn't true.  But all it took was a simple comment by the other friend to make me re-evaluate the entire situation.  Honestly, I was probably already at that point, but she pushed me past it.  And I'm grateful. It was a genuine "ah-ha!" moment!

[Adria]

Ya know, Cato,

I can understand why you feel bad.  But, these people are very manipulative and know what they are doing with people's feelings.  They are pros at it.  If we don't operate that way, it's hard to recognize it sometimes. Really, all we can do with a situation like this, is learn and grow from it.  Next time, you will be wiser, and will most likely examine all angles before adhering to one side. It's hard to get it right every time. After all, we're just human. Hugs, Adria

[1footouttadefog]

It hurts to realize these things later.  At least you still have a friend in the other one who has shown herself able to sit back and cause no problems with your primary friendship even while she was being wronged.  Seems like she has class.

Take the lessons forward and considered that you also will be a better friend for having learned these things.