How to start believing that people don't all hate you?

[blistering]

So I have been NC with my NParent for about 7 years and have gone through about 2-3 years of therapy altogether, which was mostly about that. I feel like I've been doing pretty well 'getting over it' and getting rid of the effects. I'm overall much less insecure and so on and don't believe in most of the bullshit she told me at all anymore.

But there's one thing I just can't seem to get rid of. My NParent used to tell me things that implied that all people think negatively about me and assume the worst of me. For example there would be a perfectly fine social interaction with a bunch of people and afterwards she'd take me aside and say 'look at your clothes, you look like a hobo. They must all think so badly of you now' that kinda thing. She'd also tell me my friends aren't real friends and don't actually like me. Plus, the way she would always see the worst in me and just in general approached everything with so much negativity has instilled in me the fear that people are going to think badly about me, that they will interpret my actions in the worst possible way, or in general that people have negative thoughts about me that they just don't tell me.

Logically I know this is all just from my childhood and in most cases absolutely not true. It's not so much of a thing with people I know well and for a long time, but definitely with newer aquaintances and so on. For example there was this person who I knew some time ago who was only ever friendly and inviting to me and never expressed any sign that he might think badly of me or not want me around. And I've been considering trying to get back in touch but my brain is going 'that would be so weird if you did that. He won't want to hear from you. You'll just look like a stalker or something' Like logically I can hear how needlessly exaggerated that sounds but I still feel it strongly you know?

Anyone have stuff like this that seems kinda therapy-resistant? Or tips how to make this specific thing go away?

[Call Me Cordelia]

Yes, it's a familiar feeling. I was told in so many words that I could expect to be universally disliked from a very young age. So it became a self-fulfilling prophecy. I withdrew because I thought I was disliked, people stopped reaching out because I withdrew.

Jay Reid talks about "relational disconfirmation," meaning the only way to replace that scapegoat script is to have relationships, in real life, that go off-script from what you've been taught to expect. You have to experience being vulnerable and then being accepted and affirmed in that vulnerability, for example. You have to feel that expectation of shame and ridicule and then... it doesn't come. He has a class to create this kind of environment but I think we can do the same thing in our real life interactions.

It's kind of a zen koan that relational trauma is formed in relationships, and it's healed the same way. Little by little, by experiencing a healthier and truer reality than the scapegoat's world we knew. The self-awareness you have that your feelings don't match the situation very well are a huge step!

If you aren't ready for a particular step, such as reaching out to that guy, that's ok. For me this process started when I left home and was thrown into a college environment where nobody saw my scarlet letter so to speak. It was scary but I made friends and felt like myself and liked for myself for the first time in my life. I still get shy and need to isolate at times when I just don't have it in me. I think that's all part of being human and is normal. Two steps forward, one step back, over and over.

[1footouttadefog]

There are several things I would try to keep in my mind when these negatives rise to the top.

1. She was projecting her own crap into you.  You don't have to own it. 

2. You have ordinary interactions all the time, and her messaging is being brought into them.  I would try to think of it as words in a play script.  They don't have meaning on the page or in real life.  Only on a stage where people are agreeing to play the roles. 

3. You might remember her lines but you don't have to play the role she desired you play.  You don't even have to get on the stage or engage with that theatre company. 

4. Feelings are not facts.  She said things to make you feel a certain way. To her feelings are facts.  You are Out of the FOG and know better.

5. Your life is yours to live and your encounters, acquaintances, friends and lovers are yours to find and discover and she does not have to be a part.

You've got this.  It takes work but it can be better, healing happens, and the path brightens.