Should You Move Far Away

[CalmVector]

Should you move cities to escape a toxic family that could care less about you or stay to rebuild your life and world with people you were cut off from, while ghosting your family?

I have extended family that want me to move and live with them far in America while located in Canada and a part of me is hesitant. They don't even know of the exact situation but it seems like they can sense the crap going on in my family home.

[NarcKiddo]

Do what suits your lifestyle and desires. And bear in mind that it is all too easy to give toxic families free real estate in your head - which means that you could move to the other side of the world and not escape them fully.

[bloomie]

 

CalmVector - already such great and succinct thoughts from @NarcKiddo

I would add that sometimes a new beginning in a new city where memories and chance running into ones who have been so incredibly dominating and destructive in our lives is an incredible opportunity to reset your nervous system I have found.

Mostly, imagining a life you build that sustains and enriches you.. whatever that is.. do that!

[Sojourner17]

My husband and I moved 11 hours away from my foo 8 years ago.  From the Canadian prairies to the mountains.  It was the best thing we could have done for our family and our marriage.  It didn't come without its own set of issues but I've often said how grateful I am to have the natural barrier of a mountain range to slow things down. 
With that said what Narckiddo said is also true.  I've had to do some really hard internal work to get the family system out and to heal parts of me I didn't even realize were broken or needed healing.

Do what you need to do to grow and develop your life. Don't be afraid to step out into the unknown and unfamiliar. The benefits, in my case, have far outweighed the cost!

[mary_poppins]

I moved countries to heal and trust me, a new country DOES heal you. I don't know why but it feels like I have undergone extensive psychotherapy by moving to a place I love and am comfortable about.
When I was back in my country and in contact, I used to travel to different cities. It was wild that while walking on the street, I'd jump out of my skin because I thought I saw someone looking like my brother or a woman with my mum's appearance. Or my other brother's car type, color and plate number. I was on edge 24/7.
But that's because my family is deeply abusive and weird. The abuse is so deep that it got to me and am still damaged by it (at the beginning of NC I was afraid that the police would come and pick me up because I cut them off, ha ha)

A new country helped relieve the constant triggers and took off the edge.

[Adria]

We moved across the country to get away from my family and their smear campaigns.  This summer we went back for a month to look for housing as we were considering moving back in our older years. 

However, we have been gone from hometown for 20 years. Went back this summer and realized the sh!t is still going on.  My best friend since kindergarden, I found out was in with my family and doing all kinds of things against me.

Even after 20 years, it's still the same.  Lovely city, great summers, but oh, the negative energy. 

We will be staying where we are. We realized that yes, sometimes it's lonely, however, we have peace. And peace wins out over everything else.

I would take the chance and move if it sounds like it would be beneficial. It would be a fresh start, new adventure, and if you don't like it, you can always move back.

[Liketheducks]

It was much easier for me when my family lived further away than they do now.   Surprisingly, we have much more contact when they were further away.   Just having the physical distance created and helped to enforce a boundary. 

[weasellette]

Hi CalmVector, I have a TCK background (international nomad life style during my formative years) and may experience the ACON situation differently, but I want to say this: After getting my university degree I took the first chance I had to move 10,000km away, crossing an ocean and a continent, and I have stayed here up to this day. The first few years I experienced the exact same thing Liketheducks mentioned, it was a rush of freedom and the contact with my family became more frequent and felt more sincere. But it took me another 20 years to allow myself to be truly angry at them, to actually see what they did and didn't do - and how that has affected my entire life. It took decades to realize that there was (for lack of a better word) a strange remote controlled mechanism built into my brain so that a single word over the holidays or on the phone could send me spiraling back without any understanding of why or how that was even possible. So to answer the question: yes, in my experience distance absolutely helps. Just make sure to continue to sort out the underlying issue, don't let the distance mask the problem. But then, you already found this forum, putting you way ahead of my own journey... Good luck and enjoy your adventure!

[1footouttadefog]

Anyway you could make a trip and check things out before committing?

You can likely make a fresh start either way. There are good and bad people in most places.  However there can be cultural mismatches and some places have a more concentration of a single culture and lifestyle. 

If there is nothing about the new place that will keep you from something your soul needs it might be great to get a fresh start.  A silly example would be if you are an avid surfer moving far from the ocean might leave you empty.

It would seem that a mistake could be over estimating how much of a role the friends and family in the new place will be.  Be prepared to establish a new life there that includes them but does not require being enmeshed with them.  Sometimes nons are wired for enmeshment and have uncomfortable expectations of others.