Shifting to joy

[hhaw]

It's an odd thing, to transition out of (soft/undercover war mode in court with PDs.)

I'm still trying to SEE it all,  with enough distance, to identify most of the involved moving parts. 

I'm still grappling with the little shocks, and biochemical hijacks of reminders, and dregs of real harm, intentionally inflicted, by PDs, esp when children are harmed, weaponized.....
used by PDs, against the parent who cares about the children.

My children have received the highest levels of mental healthcare.  The PDs were almost completely removed from their lives in 2015, with the exception of crazy letters from my MIL, my daughters dismiss as delusional....without rancor....but with compassion.

It makes me want to weep, recalling things I did right.  Many things.

But the regrets, and misteps...
:::Ughhhh::.
So terribly painful, esp when the girls struggle, and struggling is part of being human....but ach!! Still very painful.

Trying to protect them, from everything, is one regret, before I understood mitigating harm was the best I could do....so energy wasted on neeeeeding to completely protect them, from stuff everyone agrees is harmful, in a court system unable to (easily) identify heinous PD fockery....eh....sometimes courts willfully harm children, bc of upset with a litigant or bad th litigants, or bc they're understandably bitter, jaded, and lashing out at parents who SHOULD settle out of court, and protect the children as priority.

This is on my mind today.....as I passed a mirror and looked at myself, 20 years down the road.....and I questioned myself in the mirror.

Who am I now?  Whatever has become of hhaw.....
then.....
my image switched to hhaw 20 years ago, as I was before the PD lit everyone's lives on fire (fig.)

I'm still here....despite this culture's labels and definitions of women at 20, 30, 40, 50 and 60, etc.

It's weird, bc I was 38yo, in my head, till maybe 6 years ago.

To suddenly gain focus.....on myself.  Whooboy.....requires some measured taking of stock.

Buying into this crap misogynistic culture....feels like being bent over a pig trough, and forced to vomit.

Truly.....it lives inside my Nervous System.....like that. And I'm trying to sit in nonjudgmental awareness....as I recommend to others....to see what's really there.

It's me.....as I was at my strongest, most emotionally protected best.

Beat up from 10 very long, very expensive years of disproving unfounded PD allegations.....still me.

Wiser.  Dialed in to PD trickery. Able to spot a tell......and believe it the first time, without explaining it away.

SO much wiser, mein Gott. 

I'm not much bothered by the costs... except the cost to my parenting, being present normally with my
girls ...and more to the painful point...what it cost them.

THAT.....
Oooohhhhh.....
I feel burble up, to my outer layers....
is unforgivable. 

Sorting out....
who can't be forgiven,
then dialing in radical acceptance, and releasing everything, to my best and highest abilities...
forgiving (which can feel as an energetically physical event.....)
whooboy. 
Again.

Over and over..... processing layers of trauma.....attempting to really SEE my generational trauma, how it appears in my children's lives.....how it's a part of me, when I'm relaxed, and happy.....just slips out, in nicer ways, bc I was raised to make nice.....but slip it does.

It shuts me down.  Makes me mute and afraid of not being on guard....to mitigate the generational harm....bc we don't/can't shed it like a cocoon.  We don't....it doesn't happen that way.

Oh, to be myself....and only myself ...and not let little horrible installed parts peek through.  Shreds of what my siblings and I suffered, to live through, and much worse, realize installed inside our unconscious belief systems....try to catch it, uninstall it.....oh....the shame of my adult child, calling me out....feeling safe enough to have a breakdown while pointing at me(us) as monsters....
Oof. My siblings have their own issues with my nieces and nephew. Worse in many ways, bc of difficult ongoing circumstances with PDs, and relationships I haven't had to deal with.

So painful....but an example goes like this...
Our father laughed at our pain and physical jeopardy.....and was called out by a neighbor once....never by me.

I playfully am very invested in being helpful....say....in a plumbing store with my youngest DD.....and not noticing how upset DD is by my asking the plumbing guys questions, in an effort to help problem solve. 

DD had a breakdown in the store, in the car, and hasn't spoken to me for a week.  The really upsetting thing is..... I get dysregulated when she's upset.....and I can't stop saying upsetting things. Small, but feels violating to her.....as she seethes and is exquisitely hypersensitive in those moments. It's HUGE to her, and l.... I'm blessed besides too, bc I felt joy in her company....trying to be of service in my own way.

So, to revisit my trauma, SEE how it's worked through my soul, and intertwined....catches me off guard....is something I work to catch.

It's a goal, to be sure.

I also notice my girls feel safe enough to call me out, name their distress, set boundaries, and land consequences squarely on my head (as the only truly safe person in their lives.)

That's strange too, bc.....
though not easy to do, to me, it's not a great indicator of their ability to do the same in this society of caretaking men's feelings, auto-regulating men's emotions, and fearing their anger, so as to freeze their ability to be assertive in the company of people who can, have, and likely will harm them again, for expressing negative feelings.

I really don't expect anyone to read really long posts. 

Just putting it down, getting it out of my head....is....
::sigh::.
really helpful.

[hhaw]

I've sat, just sat, for a month..... waiting for knowing to land.

Today, it felt like it has.  I felt like my old self walking through the house...making new plans after a complete pivot, away from, what I allowed to be chosen for me.

Not my dream ...and I've been building the dreams of men who aren't alive anymore.

I don't think I can do it anymore.  I want to stop, and do other things.

Waiting, while being very gentle with myself, was the right thing to do.

I usually get busy busy busy....distracted with lists of "shoulds" and "have to's."

In this last chapter
.. I'm focused on making new mistakes.  Not old ones.

[Deborah]

Hey. Cannot say much. Things went awry here.

But I read your full posts. Fighting PDs in a court system filled to the brim with PD lawyers, PD judges and PD CPS workers. Or people naively doing their bidding. It is horror.

I am proud of you for being there for your children and hanging on...even if it doesn't always feel you can. My best wishes and prayers if welcome.

[skybox]

Reading your posts is always worthwhile,your strength and decency shine through.
Being gentle with yourself, and waiting for yourself to emerge - resonates.
May we all be as strong

[hhaw]

Thanks, guys:

Recently I'm reeaaaalllly noticing the upset in'me body.....when I resist things I can't change.

Notably ...when someone in my life makes promises, they not only don't keep, but don't remember making THEN get snippy, dismissive and mean, when I bring up the issue again....usually while I'm dealing with the situation,while pretending they didn't promise and.....you get the drift.

Now.... I'm waiting on that person to contact another difficult person, about an important issue I'd like to be involved in, but for the fact that, said person is likely PD, lies, is inappropriate, sabotages, and does things meant to get a huge angry response from me .....like tearing down my mailbox over and over, asking to marry my 13yo niece, leaving trash at mailbox, porn IN the mailbox, and crime scene tape across driveway....he used to pull limbs to block the drive, but it's been a while.  These acts, and similar, are things he's done to other women since he's been a young teen, AND he's told those stories to me with pride. 

As frustrating as it's been, it's more frustrating to know the men in my family have consistently dismissed his conduct, in favor of placating him for this upcoming conversation about us purchasing his lot. Here's the supposed payoff, right?

So.....I notice pain in my right back ribcage .....and it's nuanced ..and many layered....back stabbing fockery I've always dealt with. Back stabbing fockery in so many directions. Mein Gott.

My T urged me to thin out contact with problematic people. I didn't exactly do that, though contact is minimal.... it's necessary bc we're tied together financially, at least for this one thing.

So..... I've been practicing emotional regulation with more focus.....
bc my therapist didn't think I needed another appointment the last time we spoke....over a month ago.  She might have guessed I used our appointments to sidestep doing some of my actual work....if I'm guessing, around this very thing.

And here I am....making decisions, creating new plans, discarding old, but still in this thing ...feels dependent on the person who promises, doesn't remember or follow through....then gets aggressive and attacking when I want to discuss it.

::sigh::  Therapist would be sad I'm still expecting anything from this person.

I'm sad too, if I'm being honest.

Oh.....I just want to lop off this  financial connection....so we can just be....for a while.  Closer or with more distance, but without ties.....see what's there.

I'm likely to always be a sucker for redemption. Knowing this...what can I do differently?

I want to repeat zero mistakes, going forward.

It's a goal, to be sure.

[hhaw]

Weird when dots connect......this time around suffering, bc of the stories we tell ourselves.

Back to noticing the suffering, the stories, and resistance to what one can't change.

What happens if all the stories lose their power? 

[Adria]

Wow, hhaw,

That's a lot!  You sure know how to put it into words.  You are amazing!

We put so much pressure on ourselves in so many ways to do right, make things right, wonder what we did wrong, beat ourselves up, clap for our progress, beat ourselves up again, worry, round and round we go. It's exhausting.

I made a lot of mistakes in my past, and was talking to my daughter about how I truly fell from grace, and asked her if I could ever be redeemed through all the trauma.  She said, "Mom, it wasn't you. You are not to blame for falling from grace. You were surrounded by evil, and you fell because you were trying to survive all the horrors they perpetrated on you." Her words changed my life. Sometimes, we can be so quick to blame ourselves, maybe because it is easier, but man, could the people that surrounded us and traumatized us handle, as well as we did, what they dished out? They perpetrated full on assaults, one after another, and then for you to even land in court with it all!

I applaud you, hhaw. You are so strong and have so much wisdom. Keep moving forward. Hugs, Adria

[hhaw]

((Adria)) I think I'm moving forward with letting go....of the stories, the expectations, and judgements, but maybe.... it's just dissociation.....or a bit of it.

In the end.... maybe one's as good as the other?  I can't sort....the differences between letting go, from turning away, from closing my eyes, from chopping off things off. I understand everything belongs ...even when it no longer serves, but transitioning those pieces/stories/parts hasn't been easy or smooth. It's new, and pain is a good teacher.  Calmer times teach less than gut wrenching crisis, IME.

My youngest DD delivered, some of the latter, recently, and.... it's confusing....motivating....very painful stuff.

Lessons.

I love your daughter's  empathy towards you. If I'm being honest....I yearn to hear similar words from my young adult daughters. Sometimes they surprise me, in lovely ways, with deeply touching/validating insights.

 Sometimes, their wounded inner children pop up....mostly my youngest DD's, and I do my best not to react, or give myself away/abandon myself.  Remembering I'm modeling how to be in the world, for my daughters, helps.

Whoo boy.

The journey continues, and things come in waves.  If I just wait... something always changes. 

Fear gives way to the joy of feeling sun on my face again. 
Joy gives way to the next COW (crisis of the week.)

I notice more, or less, access to choice, and how I respond or react.  How much rumination/fearing I allow, or don't.

The goal is to do everything I can, then put the story on the shelf, so I can turn back to joy... every little bit I can muster.

Not gonna lie.... sometimes I manage it, but a little doubt wiggles in.....wonders if I'll be accountable for letting old habits of worrying go, in favor of being present ONLY in the moment. Hence...the question...am I just dissociating?

It no longer feels like a light switch, I'll say that.  I understand the mechanics of suffering less, and mining every moment for joy...of keeping my head where my feet are.

There's also internalizing trust, in new ways of being. Yes.

[hhaw]

Today....examples of joy......
Cool winds, and recent rains mean happy moss, easy weed picking, with the pug and I balancing the chill in the sunshine.... literally our heaven on earth.

Today's COW....
Pug woke up 3 times in the night, with her very recent dry honking cough.  She has it occasionally in the day....it happened at the vet yesterday, but the tech insisted it was "pulling on the leash" after I insisted it wasn't. Grrrr.

Quick Google search.... esophageal collapse.  That, terrifyingly, seems right, particularly bc she's refusing to go down stairs, and gets carried a lot now.

 She's sitting in the sun, peacefully, looking towards the woods, she didn't want to leave after her vet appointment yesterday.  We, my girls and I, blinked and she turned 13.  We experience dread, of losing her, almost daily.....a smaller, and inevitable cow.

[Adria]

Thank you for writing hhaw,

I've learned so much from what you wrote here as I've really been going through it again lately.  You really know how to put it into words.  You write beautifully. You would be an amazing author.  What you write would help many people.

"I think I'm moving forward with letting go....of the stories, the expectations, and judgements, but maybe.... it's just dissociation.....or a bit of it. In the end.... maybe one's as good as the other?"

Yes, I do suppose one is as good as the other. We'll take what we can get.

My daughter is 43. It seems she is finally seeing me as being a better mother than she used to, maybe because her oldest is giving her some grief.  Her oldest is just like her.  However, I can sense her wounded child still pops up here and there. I suppose all of our wounded child comes out at times.

I love how you find joy in the cool winds, rains, moss, and your little pug.  It must be distressing realizing your fur baby is getting up in years, and the fear of losing her. Just love her and enjoy her every day.

Give your daughters time, one day you will hear the words you long to hear. They just need to go through some things to understand where your coming from and that you did the best you could.  That is all any of us can do.

You could seriously take the posts that you have written and put them in a book.  You are able to put into words what many people feel and don't know how to express. Your words are deeply moving, heartfelt and inspiring. It's a gift.  Hugs, Adria

[1footouttadefog]

Joy.  It's at least in part a choice.  I choose joy.

Today I washed and dried the dogs bed.  I passed by a few mins later and the cat was in it.  He made it look so small compared to when the dog is on it.  Tiny dog.

That brought joy.  Tiny humming birds outside the kitchen window bring joy.

I have to make an effort for the birds by rinsing and refilling the small nectar jars. It's a 5 minute job ones every couple of weeks.  It brings joy. 

I ponder how many ways can I regain my maximally joyful life by taking back a few moments here and there.

Yes the PD is here and yes pd's will pd, but I am the one that neglected the humming bird feeders most of last year. 

So glad I got that back on track.  It's all the little things.

Here at Out of the FOG, we always say start with yourself.  Creating a space for joy, making time for joyful encounters, activities, and such is important. 

My thinking is that over time one can replace the old life, and build a new one.  This might mean adjusting unjoyful interactions until they are less negative or neutral. 

Constantly reminding that some people will bring negative and that is not about me.  It's only up to me to choose a response and the level of exposure.


I Jane a tiny dog who does the backwards sneezing and honking thing.  I find that gently rubbing her throat as if I am trying to open a flattened hose helps.

We cut all of her food up into small bits and spread them about on an over sized plate to keep this from happening while eating.

It has never seemed leash connected for us, we used a chest harness for years and. Saw no difference.  I Jane always wondered if it's from the way she curls up into a small knot to sleep.

She is 14 now and fading but still tries her hardest, little trooper that she is. 

   

[hhaw]

Adria, your kind words are appreciated.  I hope you're as kind to yourself, always.

I'm on an emotional roller coaster recently....sliding down walls, made of resentful men who auto punish when they hear NO.

All I have to do is make it 10 minutes.....keep breathing, act wisely, when I can, try not to make myself smaller anticipating the punishment (most recently litigation threats from an ASPD neighbor.)

Anyone else have trouble with anticipating punishment for having boundaries, and controlling their own bodies and property? 

::shaking head::.

I prayed yesterday, and changed my idea of God to....a Goddess....then the AA "Papa" from the movie THE SHACK....then an unconscious flood of doom rolled through my body, fearing punishment, from the God I typically picture....the white Jesus guy, which I feel no longer represents my beliefs around spiritual truth....for myself... regarding historical facts, and such.

And so, shot full of fight or flight chemicals, I pondered the loss of known comfort, and a new lurking, if irrational fear of shifting my beliefs to more realistic shapes, rather than the narratives created by the disastrous (to the earth, humans, animals, cultures, and spiritual health) patriarchy, based on control and extraction.

Ya.  I said it.

::sigh::.

Ruling through violence and intimidation....controlling others....punishing when displeased....I can say....I was raised to deal with this reality .. I'm good at it....I can't unsee it, now, and I'm experiencing an emotional....hmmmm....an emotional roadblock?

It feels like my reality has run into a membrane, preventing "normal" DIM operating systems from carrying me along, performing "traditional" routines, I once found familiar, but ......are now intolerable.

Question.... rhetorical, but here it is. 

Is keeping my head down, asking for nothing, performing YES for men, and refusing abuse more, or less, harmful than stepping into.....
refusing abuse....
insisting boundaries be respected...
requiring justice ....
refusing to be intimidated, used, and manipulated out of fair outcomes, and decent treatment.

Yesterday, while texting the ASPD neighbor.....I asked myself that question all day long.

He lied.  I provided photo proof.  He laughed, admitted he was a lying liar, then stuck his chest out and asked me what I "wanted to do about it, now that we both knew" what he'd done.  Since he was admitting to performing illegal actions on my property, in writing, I ignored his challenge and asked more questions, bc proper documentation....am I right, people?  Why yes, yes I am.

Onward we texted, with his insistence he'd "tried to be neighborly" but now it was time I send all further communications to his attorneys....and he sent their contact information.

This, after I to asked him to stop contacting my female realtor, who felt threatened by his raised voice and threats the last time he phoned her.

In the end, he said she deserved that treatment, bc she didn't call him back when he asked for official permission to enter my property.

This was funny, to me, bc he'd already removed a 20' wide corridor of trees from my side of the property line, sans permission.

So....#1.  There are no trees close enough to his fence to "crush it" as he claimed AND I had a neighbor inspect the supposed downed tree and crushed fence when ASPD reported it.

Once I knew he was lying, I ignored him. Same as when he cut 👎 down my trees. His anger towards me, and realtor, at this s point is about my NO Trespassing signs going up at his gate onto my land, instead of my giving him, or not giving him a response about access.  The signs were the response, and he phoned the realtor hoppin mad, and making threats....I already explained that.

So....he ended his text with an unexpected threat about a well on my property dumping mysterious substances onto his land when it rains.  Another obvious threat to bring a law suit, which he recently filed against a different neighbor when they complained about his removing their trees and driving on their land. I didn't know about it, till it was over,cand the ASPD lied, muddied the water with false allegations, and ran the neighbors out of funds to fight.  I think everyone here understands this.  I certainly do. That's why I had him text, but he's unafraid of incriminating himself, and it's likely has very good reasons.  He knows how to manipulate the legal system.  He's got the funds, or free attorney labor, to make opposing litigants "run screaming from the courthouse, like their hair's on fire." These were my ASPDh's words to me....during our divorce, and ever the said would happen ...happened.

So here I am .....experiencing this all encompassing feeling of hitting a membrane I can't navigate or understand.

I wonder how much is my conditioning,and how much is actual gelatinous matter....is it a mile wide and 40 feet tall?  100 yards thick, or....is it a stupid trap, four feet wide, a foot and a half deep and two feet high?

I need some distance on it....to see it with clarity and understanding what it is I'm up against.

I have similar situations in 4 other areas, I would like to escape, but am bound to.

Or am I?

See?

It's about to be literally maddening.....and to be maddened, in my world, is intolerable. I'm modeling behavior,v responses and reactivity for two young adult daughters.  Possibly nieces,cans cousin's daughters.

I wonder what happens next.

Will it lead to, yet another, life altering consequence if I stand my ground?  Again? 

I wonder....how would "men" handle this trifling behavior.  Would it cost them everything, or settle things quickly without devastating blow back.

And...is refusing to be frightened and intimidated considered an actual crime,when women and children perform it?

Children are beaten and spanked, still, despite research proving harm, and negative outcomes....is, in fact, still the norm.

Women perform NO, and are ignored, patronized and punished....taught to expect damage for failing to comply, and that's a bone I'm worrying at, just now.

How much of my distress is MY inner programming, and how much is the broken, and stacked system?

I'm not sure I can pop up to the surface, if this, for air, simply by dispelling unhelpful belief systems.  I shouldn't assume the wall is anything....I guess? 

Drop judgement.
::noticing shoulders soften::.

Get curious.....
::picturing green toxic unbreathable fog::.

That's systemic fackery, right there. I'm 20 familiar years with it....but that's not understanding how to overcome, without losing, even when I win....and I always win, have won, but OMG....the cost is too high, bc there's no consequences to the liars, cheaters and thieves, IME.

So..... there's solid consequences for saying NO, holding boundaries and refusing to be harmed. Zero consequences for harming...well...almost always, IME....that.

Coming to fully realized grips with living in the facked up world of broken male systems if ex reaction and violent dominance....is....not gonna be comfortable.  I get that.

I'll do'ya one better ......
doing it, while daughters watch....one already sure the world is ending while purchasing food reserves.....
Doing it.....while remaining steady, consistent mum....on the outside, while my insides are vibrating with rage.....is....eh... it's the last 22 years, or so. So very familiar, but....

The girls are informed, educated, and aware now....so....it feeeels more difficult.....I guess.

It feels tight and small and caged, but how hooked into reality IS that perception?

I feel like I'm in my own way, again.

Back to suffering less.

If worry changes nothing .... there's nothing to gain by worrying.  There's only loss.  Loss of possible joy one could choose instead.

But....but but but...
Acceptance of the broken systems...
Whew boy.

I'm struggling, bc I don't know for sure this is how I have to live. Bullied, controlled, diminished AND cheated.....forced to accept being cheated, bc being punished in an unfair fight, in an unfair system, costs too gosh dang much?

When winning means one loses, bc the System's rigged....

::considering acceptance::.

I accepted my DD didn't want to bring charges, after her SA. I didn't think I could do that, but I did.

Women of action.....choosing to avoid the punitive, misogynistic justice system IS an action.

Allowing the majority of rapists to go unreported and unpunished is a prime example of accepting the brokeness of our culture, and world.

I know good men....well....I know ONE good man, but suspect there's more.  I understand my particular world is largely populated by opportunistic men, vent on extraction, entitlement and deeply held.....willful ignorance of the world we live in.

I've cut two R men out of my life.  Would cut more IF the consequences weren't likely to be devastating.

Stupidity....meaning...the refusal to hold space for not knowing everything,
 and the lack of discernment and critical thinking skills, lead to beliefs based on sound bites from echo chambers meant to substantiate beliefs NOT based in evidence.

::sigh::.

One DD is headed to medical school, and her bf is....let's face it ...a grown child-man, raised in a culture where women perform the majority of house and child duties EVEN if the woman is the breadwinner, which will be my DD,'s situation. 

I'm resisting this concept for my DD.  Esp as the BF wants to live away from family, where he won't be judged for how he intends to live with my DD.....playing games, while she works and performs all thduties

[hhaw]

Day two of rumination.....
As I move through review of texts  with an ASPD, who reminds me of many "difficult" people in my life....read that as threatening people doing harm to me, and my daughter's through bogus court cases, and actual stalking/ability and the will to make me disappear. Sounds crazy, I know, but I have 10 years of court cases, an actual documented attempt on my life, and plenty of evidence to prove it....years of proving it, in fact.

I understand I'm gonna be repeating things from the above post.  It's part of my process, apparently.

This latest guy..... we'll call him the Lying Bastrid or (LB.) He called me when he purchased property adjoining mine....said he'd "bought below market value, ruined my comps", then laughed at me....sort of a teen boy's Nah Nah Nah Nah Nah Nah.  Picture gleeful wagging of arse, in my direction....so disrespectful....so immature....so stupid if he knew he'd be asking for favors, or forgiveness, kwim?

My ASPDh behaved this way, during our divorce, many times, once slapping my face in the driveway as I was leaving to pick up our young daughters, from 2 schools, in terrible traffic. He favored, what he called "lighting me on fire," with his actions and words. He was tickled to see my reactions, he was yup yup yup. I didn't report the slap....our children were waiting. The disrespect was more scathing than the sting.  On fire, I was....as intended.

So.....ya.  This grown arses man's taunting brought up some kinda feelings for me. 

Recently, he asked for something ridiculously unnecessary, as I researched his stupid lie, and dismissed it.

 I ignored him.

He threatened my realtor.

I told her to have him contact me.  He did...sweet as pie, all "yes, mam, aw shucks."

Fine. 

I asked him if he remembered contacting me a couple years ago.

He said he did, then launched into his pointed question...."Did you put up those no trespassing signs after I asked for permission to go on your property to deal with trees crushing from fence from your side?"

I said I needed to get off the phone.....and hung up.  He immediately began texting....a picture of a vine, down, near his fence...on his side.....claimed it's my tree on his fence.  The picture didn't show that.

We cat and moused with questions and answers......he lied, I sent photos, he laughed, and admitted he'd paid another guy to illegally take my trees down the entire length of his fence.... basically a 20' wide corridor preventing my trees from doing damage IF they fell, bc proximity.  He then wanted to know what I wanted to do about it...."now that we both knew the truth." He was trying to provoke me.

I ignored him, and he invited me to send my realtor, who he yelled at and threatened in his last call to her.....over to his property to inspect the tree.

I said his raised voice and threats made her feel afraid, and she wouldn't be dealing with him anymore. Contact only me.

He said he'd "tried to be neighborly", but now I was to contact him only through his lawyers....and sent their contact information.

Basically, he lied, made a request to enter my property, I ignored him, he lied again, I proved he lied, he taunted me AGAIN, then began making threats, ending with a claim my "well was dumping unknown substances on his property when it rained".....which is another lie, bc he damned up his property with a road, flooding another neighbor's property, and mine just a bit....but not much.  I researched permits required for a road, and really...it seems that State's laws and codes are wrecklessly skewed to favor criminals living their best protected and enabled lives.  VERY frustrating, I must say.

This to say, he filed a lawsuit against the neighbors,with the flooding land, and accused them of accosting his workers (workers told police they didn't do that, btw,) and disrupted his business, costing him thousands of dollars..... verbally assaulted him on his land.  You get the picture.  Very offensive legal strategy, and informed ability to abuse the legal system.....I have feelings about that too. The neighbor with flooding weren't prepared to deal with him, and settled to avoid more legal fees. It's worth noting, the police refused to file a report, against LB, for making a false report, dialing 911 to do it, with witnesses disproving the allegations.

So.....here I am, with these old and new frustrations popping up, documenting, which is mandatory, and limiting contact, bc I know I can't reason with a lying thief willing to cheat and do harm, for funsies, and when he hears the word NO.

His/LB's wife texted me, in the end, repeating what he said about the damage to his fence (which he has no evidence of,) and answering my questions about my well...."how does he know I have a well and why is he accessing it?"  She said "everyone knows everything about everyone in that area."

So....the facts are.... he's got workers using an expensive gate, installed on our shared property line, which is bananas, bc he's never asked permission to enter my property, esp when removing my trees.

That he asked for permission was a big red flag....he wants to cover his arse for some heinous fockery he's up to ...maybe to do with the well? 

He screamed threats at my realtor, when I had no trespassing signs put up.....and said "her ignoring his request for permission to enter my property" was the reason he was angry....he was entitled to be angry and she "shouldn't feel afraid."

His wife extended another invitation for my realtor to enter their property, stating she/the wife, would ensure her safety.

Yikes....and wth?  Why do they want her ON their property so badly?  Oh, ya.  Maybe to call the police, and file charges against her. Same as they filed against the other neighbors. That makes sense.  Right now, there's no actual contact...so he'd have a more difficult time using those tactics.

As the photo, I used to disprove one of his lies, was provided by my realtor, it's assumed he's not thrilled about that either. I get the feeling women should comply, in his world, and not refuse his requests. I get the feeling he feels entitled to punish and bully. 

In the end, he couldn't help himself, and texted the realtor again, after my instructions to not do so. What in the world?  Oppositional defiance.  He won't let a woman tell him what to do.

Realtor lives out of State now, so I don't feel she's in danger, but I don't feel good about his "invitation" summoning her.

And.....as is my experience, saying NO to a man, willing to lie, cheat and steal....is a high conflict pickle.....and these guys are litigious as hell.....lob false allegations, one must be disprove, and at great expense....been there. Done that. Would rather crush my ankle, but great good goblins....where do I draw the line?

I wanted to feel less vulnerable, through documenting his lies, and pattern of intimidation, when he's not getting his way.

Here's the thing....I SAY all this to my brother, and my brother is confused, as am I. So....dismissive. Not concerned.  This isn't at all new.  Sort of expect it, by now.

If we all step back ....and remember...my ASPD stbx had nothing to gain from blowing up our marriage and lighting all our worlds on fire (fig.) Nonsensical, sociopathic behaviors will never make sense, bc they don't make sense. My brother should understand that, right?

What, dear sister, does this man have to gain?  It's not a straightforward answer, as his exact plan hasn't been discovered or documented....yet, but it's something. 

Is he dumping something in my well?  Planting something illegal?  I live out of State....he knows this.  He thought I knew nothing....he was shocked when I had photos.  He doesn't know I have proof his fence was never "tore up" bc he cut them all down....so....access to on my side isn't about the trees and fence, imo. There's no reasoning with a lying liar..... they're simply amused, when caught, then doubling down on the next lies, IME.

So.....I ask myself.....am I tilting at windmills?

Should I just allow him to come and go, bc saying NO might have him lobbing law suits, I have to defend from the other side of the Country, in a debtor's heaven, where getting a judgement means this guy'll be protected and not required to pay?

Do I sell cheap, to the guy LB paid to cut my trees down, bc this LB is SO problematic....I need to cut bait and run?

I have similar problems in many areas.....and I feel trapped, and at risk.....crushed by the broken systems used to harm and exploit people/women/children who don't lie, cheat and steal....but are bent by abuse of those systems.

The neighbors ended up settling the case, out of court, with LB neighbor, bc LB just kept filing allegation after allegation, requiring an attorney respond and disprove...seemed to have no end. 

Now.... I'm gonna lean into radical acceptance today, and see what shifts for me.


Well.....
Just considering it blew up my entire biochemistry......and....what does that mean? 
For me? 
Maybe I can't do it, till I'm crushed and so at risk, I go limp? 
Again? 
I'm not entirely sure there's more than two ways to deal......fight or roll over.....is there another option?

Is there middle ground?

And what's the fight over....now?

Clearly, LB has a plan.  He's said he locked the gate, won't go on my property again, and will let me know when trees are down so I can handle it. He claims vines are a "downed tree."..he claims undocumented damage to his fence and repairs I know didn't happen.

 "Patrick said...." Oy. Not gonna lie.  It's triggering.


He's creeping up on a lawsuit, but the only evidence proves he's the one doing damage. 
So....
Why the stupid lies about my being responsible about tree damage?  To intimidate...to get permission to go on my land.....to do what? My Realtor said it's 10 years to gain control of property through squatters rights....3 and 4 years under circumstances not concerning us.....I think.

LB raises livestock.....is he dumping chemicals on my land,  with the intention to make an expensive claim... it's leaching onto his property? Then buy it cheap? Starve me out in litigation? Clearly, he's connected to cheap, or free attorney help OR has money to throw away in court, but honestly....it takes a particular person to really enjoy....no.  Disproving the false allegations is the hard part, IME.  Simply lobbing false allegations, while refusing to comply with discovery, is cheap and easy, IME. Knowing how much distress are s created, forcing formal Responses....gathering of evidence...preparing for hearings.  It's truly a win/win for sociopaths, until they're forced to pay legal fees of opposing counsel, IME. Then, and only then, dies filing suits lose their enticing sparkle, IME.

One last thing....he used to have access to a private road, near this gate, but that's been closed off by the neighbor who owns it.  That used to be a good reason to want access to my property.  Now it's been chained off. What's he up to?

I'll have game cameras going up soon.
  Drone footage is in the works....which LB says
"He's looking forward to."

My realtor will document the tire tracks, and where they lead, next week.

I have a kicky fight going with a sociopath. 

Who asks favors from people they've taunted, belittled, and laughed at. So odd.



Oh....the neighbor LB paid, to cut my trees, put in a low-ball offer with my realtor.

I assume they're (LB and potential buyer or PB) are working together, as this PB is one of LB's contractors who regularly used the gate to drive on my property.

Straw man?

I think the guy/PB does farm work for another (very wealthy) neighbor with the private road.  Maybe he's put in the offer for that neighbor?

I feeeeeel besieged, bc I'm about to be under siege....so sayeth my gut.....and my realtor's very fearful gut. She full well understands the broken legal system.  She wants to sell and get the heck out....not watch me struggle in the courts for 2 years, making a sale impossible.

If I give LB permission to go on my land.....am I making it easy for him to screw me, OR.....am I wisely avoiding legals he'll use to leverage me with, OR.....wow.

This is how I spent 10 years in the justice system.  My gut was almost always right.  Sometimes therecturbedcouy to be more than one bad actor..... sometimes a court ordered T/expert, a Trustee, or opposing counsel....once my own counsel, but my gut's got a very good track record.

Realtor going to wealthy neighbor to propos a deal.... it's a small amount of property, btw. It seems private road neighbor has a grudge against LB too, as he's the one who blocked off the road with a chain AND no trespassing signs, the day before mine went up. LB has to assume we're working in concert, but he doesn't understand the connection....yet

::crossing fingers he accepts::.

FFS. I guess everything has to be this hard.....for some people?

:: challenging that statement::.

Gonna meditate on it for a while.

[1footouttadefog]

I hope your realtor finds you a buyer soon.

It sounds like you need a new place.  Is it possible to move your belongings to storage so you can be out as quickly as possible upon closing a deal? 

I think if would give me a since of relief to know I had on foot out of the door.  The fewer the objects in a hole the easier for a prospective buyer to imagine themselves.  Leaving key pieces like beds and dining tables help to give a sense of space available.


I hope you find your way onto a path leading to joy soon. 

[hhaw]

I don't have the capacity to hold everything .....and remain level. 

I assumed I could hold .....
hold... 
hold .. ....
bc I've managed much worse, before, but it didn't increase my capacity.  It shrank it......pretty sure, yup yup yup.

There's still the micro breakdowns, giving up hope, then tremendous focus on
what
I
can
do, which is expansive and amazing problem solving, but.....
now that it's not life or death. prison or raising my young daughters, being stripped of all assets or performing paperwork backflipping nightmares......
now that women are losing hard won  rights to basic medical care....now that children are forced to carry incest rape babies..... unfair systems hit different, IME. It's a fackin war on women, and some women are still on board with it.  Internalized misogyny is scalding....esp my own identified, and the but still popping up, unbidden..... unnoticed till I get some distance.  Scalding, I tell you.

Everyone in my family voted to take women's rights away.  They voted for higher taxes, protecting pedophiles......heck, they voted a rapist into office, and for higher gas prices, higher food prices, dead US military members, and bombed children....for ICE to snatch,  torture, rape, and kill. Woohoo...get the trans folks too!!!!!

And..... I'm vibrating inside.....I don't know what to DO with their willful ignorance, and hatred, and continued support of.....whatever it is they think they voted for.  I guess they're getting some small part of the promises they care about, inside their echo chambers.

My youngest is ready to move to Canada.  We looked up school applications for oldest to attend a Canadian program next year.  She'd consider it. 

Here's the thing....my family there, and friends....are pro orange rapist....lying liar.  There's no understanding of misogyny, or how the systems aren't working for everyone, equally. They don't get any if it.... it doesn't exist, for them.

I feel like I was forced to dunk for apples, under water for 20 years, came up for air and BAM! 
Things
Got
Worse.
Somehow.

And I still can't breathe.

[hhaw]

1foot:  I don't live near the lying liar neighbor.  I'm in a different State.  My large lot borders many other people's much larger lots, is the thing.

And ...I have very little control over many things, similar to this, including a plunging economy, which is harming my ability to sell anything right now.

The heinous fockery, terrible economy, legal threats, and my inability to scrape problems off my plate...while people around me suffer more....  news cycles bury me.....feels like many inescapable pickles piling up.....and I don't want to eat all those poisonous pickles, again, for another chance to survive, while pretending it's ok I'm cheated, harmed, and ok with paying obscene money to disprove negatives. Again.  It's never been ok. 

[hhaw]

I shared my concerns with oldest DD today....about what's going on for me.  She understood, was an amazing listener, and assured me her bf was working on facing his entitlement and patriarchal upbringing/FOO...with her, and his female therapist.

It was helpful to feel heard, and validated.

Even more helpful to communicate, honestly, without DD getting defensive, snarky or expressing complete commitment to this man.  Her words were...."I would never let a BF get in the way if finding my husband."

SO.
WISE.

I'm in awe of her apparent maturity, and willingness to accept reality, without neeeeeding it to be something else.

She's  never centered her life around anything, but herself, her school/work, and social life....which her bf is a part of.

Still.....my gut doesn't feeeeeel he understands, and is working on, deprogramming his entitlement.

I know his mother is gobsmacked, at his refusal to grow up, and be responsible.

IME....men are victims of the patriarchy also.  I have to bite back concern for his mental health, his likely shame, blah blah blah.

My DD deserves reciprocal care from whomever she partners with.  That's it.  I have zero compassion to spare....and she said she plans to finish her OD degree before considering marriage.  That's 5 years down the road. I'm breathing normally again.

 

[skybox]

Hoping for relief for your situation soon, that is many layers of stuff.

Your daughter sounds wise, I hear your relief at 5 years... time to « 'assess ».

You give wise advice here, always thoughtful - hard won wisdom- so thankyou.

I heard a little clip from some program «  find a pocketful of happiness in your day » , which seemed like a lovely thought.

 

[hhaw]

So..... yesterday my niece texted... she'd been followed around an outdoor cafe seating space,  by an elderly man, masturbating at her.

She finally told the manager.  The old perv fled, leaving his waffle and personal items behind.

Niece took a photo, and shared with police.....feeling pride, that she told, and shame, that she didn't immediately point him out, raise her voice and OUT him in public.
I'm familiar with those kinds of conflicted feelings.  Internalized mysogyny laws, installed before we could walk.

Meanwhile, my oldest is standing her ground on house keeping isdues with her SO, who will suffer....many things....
shame, that housekeeping their space isn't on his list of priorities, and ....
anger, that DD refuses to center her life around his every whim, which I don't quite understand, bc he has a lesbian therapist, who should set him straight, imo

As I said, I speak frankly with DDs about my gut feelings AND what I see and hear.

I did it with youngest DD's first bf, who lived with us during COVID, bc the kids had to go to school, and his mum has a compromised immune system.  Oooohhhhhh.....if I can just stay very small....and work behind the scenes .... it's not a good idea to have my attention working against them.....these entitled you g men and boys.  Nope nope nope.

I will say this....imhe I'm more comfortable with my girls getting to know their SOs under my roof, where I can SEE and comment....guide....point out obvious things, so there's no "confusion" for my daughters.

The message.....
always always....
"Gosh, you deserve better .... you're the best part of that relationship." Eh, more or less, that's the message.

There's no dragging my girls under the stairs, in private, where no one else can see......at least not yet.

[1footouttadefog]

Sorry to read what happened to your niece.  How awful.  There was too much of that crap when I was young.  I cannot imagine how much worse today.  We as a culture have some huge issues.  I have given up on politics ever being a solution.  Political admins come admins go, no meaningful changes.  I try to make change myself these days.  It brings joy. 

One thing that has helped bring me joy was to take a step back from politics, news and social media.     

You seem to be looking at your fellow humans through a pretty harsh filter.  Very black and white.  Lots of negativity. I found myself headed that way and changed it.

With all the AI and bots and such it's easier than ever for the internet to create outrage. It's don't intentionally to keep us addicted. 

I dropped all social media from my phone and only get news through subscriptions to paywall communities where it's curated and collated for me. 
This reduces my exposure to large corporations that seek to create negativity in my life for their financial gain
 
I have seen so many interviews with those who helped make those algos etc where they confess that this is what it's all about.

I found myself tempted to paint over half of the people in my country with a broad brush.  Then realized this is not me.  I love people more the less I pay attention to politics.  Love and joy go hand and hand for me. 

And I don't care if it bothers other people when I am doing things that seem odd ,because I am being joyful.  Like when my driveway was full of piles of stuff with tarps over it.  They were belongings of people who had lost their homes to hurricane Helene. 

Or the piles of laundry bags on my front porch because I was doing laundry for 4 households of people who were living in tents and RVs, plus the towels from everyone taking showers every night.   And my grass got a high firing that year, I had other priorities that brought me joy.

  I am now  finding joy helping a single mom with 4 kids get an small organic farm up and running. I do land maintenance, mowing, bush hogging and tilling.  She makes the beds and manages the planting watering etc.  I buy the seeds,row covers.  I get my produce free of course.  I also get to know I am making a difference.

I helped a formerly homeless man get an RV furnished with house goods.  I ordered a scooter he wanted from Amazon and let him pay me back with half of the yard work money when he works for me.  That way he got some cash and worked down the loan.  Now he does yard work for several older women and has a dog and a TV and a fridge to keep a couple of cold beers in. He is happy with his situation.  I take my truck to get his propane tanks refilled twice a winter.  And keep a few extra in my shed in case he or the farmer are caught up short when it's cold.

When I got the scooter money back, I used it to helped a woman in dire straights not fall to the bottom again by buying a cheap car she found and letting her work/ pay it back.  Her kids got to stay in band and sports etc and she keeps her side gig jobs, and her oldest gets to keep his job as she drives him to and from work also.

All  these people are likely on the opposite side of the political spectrum from me, one is of another race another a different religion, but they are my people regardless.   

Finding your tribe brings joy.