"CHERISH EVERY DAY" proselytizes the manipulator

[samanil]

I posted a while back about my dad who insisted we go where he wanted to go on my birthday (2 birthdays in a row), to a breakfast place he said was "so good". I folded and we went there, despite me not wanting to, and while eating he admitted he hadn't been there in 25 years. Your responses were very helpful to me and allowed me to realize I was done with special days with him.

While driving to said breakfast place on my birthday, as I pulled into the busted up gravel parking lot I hit a huge pothole that caused such an impact I feared that my car was significantly damaged. It sent me into a sour mood and I communicated this to him and he said if there is a problem with my car he'd pay for it (he is inconsistent, sometimes showing he cares, sometimes being a hypocritical selfish A-hole, which will be clear in how he responded to my ensuing $1700 car repair).

That was January 2025. As I said I decided I was done with special days with him, and I communicated that to him over text, and he didn't respond, which IMO is a manipulative tactic that I'll elaborate on below. I am starting to think no response from people close to you is not only manipulative but a form of emotional abandonment.

He reached out to me on my birthday a year later (January 2026) asking if we could meet to talk, but I was in Tucson so said I'd follow up later. A few weeks later we met up for coffee and he said "wow a hug" when I gave him a hug upon meeting. IMO, this was obvious manipulation right out of the gate to get me to feel bad for being distant with him. But I don't feel bad, and wasn't reactive, and I think he felt it. It was an unremarkable meeting. I've come to realize we don't have much of a connection, and I don't really care anymore.

This past fathers day I decided I could stomach a simple walk with him so decided to violate my "done with special days" rule and proposed we go for a walk. His response was a big load of manipulation, but in a way that was legitimately bizarre.

Essential context: he has criticized me quite a few times for not doing enough on father's day for him, for not planning enough, for only doing something simple which shows I don't really care. This is coming from a guy who demands we do what he wants on my birthday, and who said "I guess I just have to decide if it's worth it to drive all the way over there just for breakfast" when I invited him to come have breakfast with me on my birthday (not a long drive).

More context: I finally got my car checked out after neglecting to for some time. The tire tech told me there was a problem with the frame which was indicated by uneven tire wear. I finally got it checked out by a full service mechanic and they informed me there was a rare bend in the solid metal component connecting the rear tires (rare because it's such a heavy duty component it takes a serious impact to bend it). Price tag to fix: $1700. I certainly don't have proof that it was the pothole but I can't think of anything other than that incident that would have caused a bend in the frame of my car.

To me this is symbolic of the damage done psychologically by being dominated and manipulated and made to feel unworthy on my own birthday, by my dad of all people. I could have stood up for myself and said, "No, I'm not going where you want to go on my birthday, and it's hurtful that you would even propose such a thing." But that's not what I did. Instead, I went along with his selfish hurtful demands, which IMO is a form of self harm and self abandonment. But that's easy to ignore and deny. What's not easy to ignore and deny is a damaged car and a $1700 bill from the mechanic. Going along with his BS is not just costing me in terms of self esteem etc--it's costing me some serious dough. So thank you universe, for making it VERY CLEAR to me that his behavior is damaging, costly, and if I continue to put up with it, it will continue to exact a heavy toll both emotionally and financially.

So, without further ado, here's the text exchange wherein I proposed a walk on father's day and was met with obvious and bizarre manipulation...

Me:
Hi hope you're well. Do you want to go on a walk tomorrow? My car has a significant issue so I'm trying to drive minimally, if you're up for a visit in my neighborhood. But I could trek north if you prefer. [I believe I had it scheduled to get fixed the following weekend, funny how this aligned with father's day]

Him:
Your car isn't well, and I'm not at my best either. Wish we were closer like in days long past but that's my fault. Miss keeping up with you, want you to be happy and loved.
Gonna have to take a raincheck.

^^^"Want you to be happy and loved" says the guy who told me point blank he didn't know if it was "worth it" to drive to have breakfast with me on my birthday. Yeah ok. "Wish we were closer..my fault." IMO this is fake taking responsibility. What it really is, is more manipulation to make me to feel bad for him. He has long used the "pity ploy" as a tactic with me, and until recently it's always worked. I've felt bad for him since I was a small child, and have rushed to keep him company and try to make him feel better. But now I don't feel bad for him. You know who I do feel bad for? Me! For having this manipulative loser for a father.

Me:
Not at your best...? Would you mind filling me in? Health issues?

Him:
Physically I seem to be doing pretty good.

^^^Straight up dodging the question so as to shroud me in FOG.

Me (not taking the bate, staying mature and grounded and reasonable):
Good. Well if you're down psychologically it's usually a good idea to do some socializing, but up to you. My car has a bend in the frame, the only cause of which I can imagine is the pothole outside salmon bay cafe.

Him:
*no response*

^^^There are levels to how shitty this lack of response is. For one, he said he'd pay for it (which I wouldn't even accept if he offered, but that's neither here nor there)--and doesn't even respond when I tell him there is significant damage. I think this is emotional abandonment. Telling someone you'll be there for them in the event of a problem, and then not even responding to them when they tell you there is in fact a problem.

Not only that, but the one time we met after the pothole incident, at the cafe where he said "wow a hug", I asked him to please respond to my text messages. Because there was another scenario where I sent him a text that warranted a response, and he didn't respond (funny enough, this was after yet another incident where I didn't get a response from him and I didn't follow up about the lack of response, and it turned out he never received the initial text; he then told me I should check in on him if I don't get a response from him because he's old and maybe there's a problem preventing him from responding. But then he CHOOSES to not respond, even when a response is very much called for, AFTER giving me a mini lecture about how if I don't get a response I should investigate and check in on him to make sure everything is OK. So IMO this clearly shows he's using a lack of response as a manipulation tactic).

*Next day, after lack of response.* (In retrospect I wish I hadn't even texted, since he abandoned me with a no response when a response was absolutely called for.)

Me:
Happy Father's Day. Let me know when you're feeling better and want to catch up.

^^^Staying mature and grounded, and putting the ball in his court.

Him:
Happy Summer Solstice and happy Summer! 🌞🌞🌞🌞🌞 "We're like butterflies, who flutter for a day and think it's forever." CHERISH EVERY DAY

^^^What was really bizarre to me about this was this is exactly how my mom communicates (she's a full blown narcissist who lies and manipulates constantly): specifically, saccharine "wisdom", excessive use of emojis, and all caps shouting of platitudes. And to me the manipulative subtext is obvious: I'm old and I'm going to die soon and you're neglecting me and you should feel bad. What's equally obvious to me is the massive hypocrisy. Like, if life is so short and we should cherish everyday, and you're old, why don't you meet up with your son for a walk? Aren't you the one who is blatantly not cherishing your time? I offered, and he declined.

The truth of the matter, as I see it, is he wants me back in my little subservient role where I do what he wants me to do, which is to meet his unfulfilled childhood needs by making him feel super special on father's day by planning something elaborate, to spend lots of unstructured time with him to assuage his loneliness, to take his unfair criticism, and to submissively allow him to be a selfish prick who makes me feel unworthy on my own birthday. THAT is what he wants, among other things. Me being a grounded adult with my own life, offering to do something simple and pleasant with him on father's day, and not going over the top and spending all day with him, is clearly unacceptable to him.

Upon receiving this text I honestly found it slightly humorous (though now I don't). To me he was basically being a cranky baby who needed a little nudge to get out of his lair and go on a walk. So, I decided to take a risk and do a bit of joking via text, which I'll be the first to admit is not a great idea. Things can be taken the wrong way over text, especially with the person in question.

Me: (offering again to go on a walk, to the hypocrite who says "CHERISH EVERY DAY")
Sure you don't want to go on a walk mr sunshine butterfly man?

^^^I still find this funny to be honest. However, I could see how someone might see this as being snide, though I sincerely didn't intend it that way. I was giving him a gentle ribbing, because I genuinely thought he was being a crank (to put it lightly) who would benefit from getting out of the house and going on a walk and doing some socializing. But this was futile.

Him:
Your text sounds like such ugly sarcasm, are you aware? Yes I'm sure

^^^Taking my text in the worst possible way, lashing out at his own son, and certainly not cherishing every day. I think he was angry that I wasn't taking his manipulation tactics seriously, and was instead finding humor in it.

Me:
Was trying to joke. Ok, have a good day.

^^^Staying mature and grounded and unreactive.

And THEN...I had a great day without him--far better, I'm sure, than if I had spent it with him. I did some grocery shopping (one of my hobbies is cooking delicious Asian food), went on a long beautiful walk wherein I met a chunky black cat who let me give it lots of pets, and overall just enjoyed myself.

I haven't talked to him since. Not sure if I'd care if I never talked to him again. It is fundamentally unpleasant being around him or having any communication with him whatsoever. Not just unpleasant but hurtful. In fact, not sure I'd care much if he died. I'd probably be relieved.

I am working with a therapist who I told about this whole situation and he was very empathetic.

I'm excited to leave my home city to somewhere that suits me better and not tell him, my mom or my deeply disturbed and nasty brother.

I think the key to my liberation from their emotional bondage, and my corresponding mental health and relational challenges, is for me to wake up to the fact that they are just shitty, hurtful, manipulative people, who I DO NOT LIKE and DON'T WANT ANYTHING TO DO WITH.

Yay! Thanks for reading

[Liketheducks]

It is ok to take 2 conflicting ideas and hold space for them both.   He is manipulative AND you should cherish every day.   He seems hurtful AND may want to wish you well at the same time.   AND, it is definitely ok to hold firm those boundaries that make you feel safest.   It is such a weird place to be with your parents....when you have the emotional maturity to see it coming and don't fall back into the role they raised you to take.   

[samanil]

It is ok to take 2 conflicting ideas and hold space for them both.  He is manipulative AND you should cherish every day.  He seems hurtful AND may want to wish you well at the same time.  AND, it is definitely ok to hold firm those boundaries that make you feel safest.  It is such a weird place to be with your parents....when you have the emotional maturity to see it coming and don't fall back into the role they raised you to take.   

Well put, thanks. I don't take issue with the idea of cherishing every day. Yet in the context, I feel it is a toxic thing to say, designed to inflict harm (FOG). But, you are right that motives are usually mixed, and part of him does wish me well, it's just that the manipulative part of him is the dominant part, sadly.

And very true, it is a weird place to be! I look forward to the day where it feels normal as opposed to some new pattern I'm establishing.

Thanks again.