Why is my emotional breakdown a win for him?

[stormbrewing]

Last night I broke down. I started crying couldn't stop. It was like a flood gate opening and letting out years of pent up frustration and anger, which I cannot safely release because there is no room in our relationship for my emotions. I was in my room alone, and made it clear that I wanted to be alone, however uBPDh kept coming in to throw a few very well aimed barbs at me about how my emotions are really selfishness because he's never seen me get that upset when he is hurting, and how my life is so good compared to his that I don't have any right to be upset. The break down started when my attempts to talk through something he has done that publicly humiliated me ended in his sarcasm, stonewalling, condescension, and accusations that I don't want him to 'get better' because talking to people about his and our issues really helps him.

I am struggling to describe his behaviour today, but it's an odd mixture of smugness and treating me like a child. There's an almost gleeful look on his face, and he is acting in almost a creepily 'normal' way that I can't trust. What is actually going on in his mind? Everything is always a competition with him, and today he definitely thinks he has won something but I can't figure out what. I am angry and frustrated but am keeping as much distance as possible and working on my MC (it's a process) to get me through the night. I think maybe the win is that he didn't have to have the conversation and the fact that I got so upset makes me less likely to question him again in the future. Maybe the better question is why do I keep trying to make sense of his behaviour.

[losingmyself]

Storm, I'm so sorry. I completely understand this situation.  If I broke down, H would also have something to tease me about for the rest of my life.  Seriously, who teases a person about hurting?
The reason he is happy is because you gave him the supply he needed and wanted. His campaign to get you to have an emotional reaction worked, and he won.
And as normal humans, it is natural to hurt and cry. I used to do all my crying while on the lawnmower. I liked it because I could sob as loud as I wanted, and it felt good to get it out.
He's happy today because you're still sad. More winning, more supply.
Try to stay away until you feel better, and show him that he doesn't control how you feel.
I heard something from one of the people I listen to, she said "Normal people argue in order to understand, and in a relationship, there's some sort of conclusion. Unhealthy people fight to win. Period. There is no other goal." At least in my H, this is the absolute truth.
God bless, I hope you feel better soon

[Lookin 2 B Free]

Oh, Storm, I'm sorry you couldn't have had a soft shoulder to cry on.  And glad you can share it here with us and get some support.  ❤️   Like LS, I often had to take my emotions elsewhere just so I wouldn't have to "pay" for having them.......just like in my PD FOO.

I don't know if it was the BPD or narc, but my ex also seemed to feel a constant rivalry with me and anyone else around.  I think life looked like a zero sum game, and he could only be winning if the other was losing.   He'd think he got the upper hand and walk around with a gloating expression, confidence renewed.  I remember during one of these times he started singing the Stone's "Under my Thumb" as he was strutting around the house.

To be honest, I usually didn't care much if he thought he'd bested me....it was his perception, not mine, and it just seemed childish.  Also he may have felt it was a win,  but it didn't seem like any win to me ... just a sad, unhappy way to relate in relationships .... just part of a disorder he was unfortunate enough to have.

[11JB68]

I used to cry when things would go badly with Updh. I've learned not to, or trained myself not to. Updh likes to 'make people cry'. He definitely looked it better in the old days when I would cry, vs now when I get angry .
I think my crying, while he supposedly would feel guilty, gave him a sense of power.

[Lauren17]

I see two reasons why making a non cry is a win for a PD.
The first is because the PD is sad but is incapable of expressing that. The day our dog died, uBPDh verbally attacked me until I broke down in tears. Then he told me I wasn't allowed to cry because I hadn't loved the dog, only he had. This seems similar to your story. He hurt and he made sure you expressed it.
The second reason, as mentioned by others is control.
I've been mocked for crying at movies or books. Berated for crying when I thought I'd lost DD at the mall. And flat told I "had to stop crying all the time and just get over it" about two weeks after my father died.
Like 11, I trained myself not to cry. After about 10 years, I realized that wasn't such a good thing. Now I cry in the shower or in the car (keep some under eye concealer and mascara in the glove box to hide the evidence).
Storm, I'm sad to hear you're living though this. Hope things feel brighter today. 

[losingmyself]

My H learned a new term, 'weaponized tears'
So now the only reason I could possibly cry is to manipulate him
"All women have to do is turn on the faucet, and they get what they want"

[1footouttadefog]

Its a win because he sees you are better than himself in some regard that matters to him. He feels in competition and seeing you so distraught makes him feel he bested you.

Your hurting is likely seen by him as a sign if weakness and a point where he is on top.

Sad part is that he should not be in competition as your partner, but rather you should be complementing and supporting each other and stronger together than alone.

That he made your crying about himself by entering the room and adding fuel to the fire and acting like you should cry like that when he is upset and thereby invalidating your pain shows his lack of empathy and desire to know you. You crying should be in response to his needs alone not yours, wow.

[stormbrewing]

Thank you all so much for these replies. All of what you are saying rings true - it's like puzzle pieces clicking into place.

The MC I was attempting over the two days following the events of my original post led to him leaving me (again). When we got together I was a widowed mother of two small children - someone I now understand to be a perfect candidate for PDs attention. I have done a lot of work on myself with the support of one great and one not-so-great T, and a lot of reading and self-help, but abandonment will always be a major trigger because of those events in my life. He uses leaving me as the ultimate weapon in his bag of tricks, and pulls it out when none of his other strategies work (crocodile tears, anger and intimidation, mirroring, attempts to mimic rationality, it goes on and on). He never follows through though, either tries to hoover or just comes back a few days later pretending none of it ever happened and pulls family members into the drama so he can self-victimise. To him intent always trumps actions, so if he didn't actually mean it then it didn't really happen.

Until I found this site I was struggling with being a very private person but also trying to make family members understand what I was going through. I now realise that neither my family, nor some of my friends, will ever understand and may always just think I kicked out this poor wounded man. I now know that it doesn't really matter if they do or they don't understand, what matters is that I get myself and my children out of this shadow of anger and anxiety that hovers incessantly above us.

It sounds like a cliche, I know, to say that it's different this time, but I truly believe that the stories I have read on this forum, the links to information about trauma bonding (wow - life-changing light-bulb moment), and the insight your replies have given into his most recent abhorrent behaviour will all help me hold the line this time - and get the locks changed.

[losingmyself]

GOOD FOR YOU!!!
Stay strong, and good luck

[Free2Bme]

Dear Storm ~

My heart goes out to you.  The person and behaviors you describe sound so much like my updxh that my skin is crawling. 

Teasing, smugness, gleefulness and such at another's pain is sadistic.  It's so confusing and hurtful to be treated like this.  IME, tears trigger contempt from PD, and then they feel justified in abusing, afterall... weakness needs to be punished.

My updxh would orchestrate the whole event (argument), then once I was reduced to tears, would smirk and laugh at me, leave me to cry, then as you say, come in to "throw a few barbs", and then make sure I would hear him in the next room tearing me down to our children.  Of course, pretending that nothing happened afterward. 

So, years ago I had a series of miscarriages.  During one, I had to excuse myself from the dinner table to use the restroom (I was actively miscarrying).  When I returned, he said he was leaving, which meant I was "on"  caring for our four young children, and in pain.  When he returned, I expressed being upset with him for leaving under circumstances, his response was "That's it, we are not going to try for any more children, because you can't handle it when you lose one.  Your STILL crying?".  Apparently, I wasn't supposed to be sad while miscarrying.

My point is that there is no depth that is too low for them to sink to.  Someone this cruel will invent more cruel ways to inflict pain and suffering on their victim.  If this is where your H is at, I would not imagine it will get better for you.

In regards to your H eliciting sympathy, support, validation (or whatever else) from family, be careful with this.  In my situation, I was aware of a little of this going on while we were married.  But when I left him, wow.... I learned about so much more.  He had been disparaging me to our neighbors, family, and church for years, while simultaneously  telling me how he had been complimenting me to them.  He painted himself as the victim; all just an insurance policy in case one day I wised up and left him, then I would be outed as the bad guy.  It worked as planned, and I was shunned by family, friends, and church =  Zero support.

You described yourself as being "very private".  I was the same way and this too was weaponized. 

The good news is that we can heal, recover, and truly love others, but PD's...not likely to happen. 

Change the locks.  Literally and internally. 

Prayers for strength and clarity for you 

[tragedy or hope]

Wow!!!

So sorry for the loss of your pregnancy.  Their cruelty knows no end.

Love the support on this thread. God knows the buckets of tears I cried as a young married woman, then as a mother dodging the horrible abuse of a unpdh being unable to seemingly "feel" anything. I remember telling him he has no feelings.

All the same behaviors, taunts, barbs, chides, snickers, telling me I was trying to control through my tears... throwing things at me to make it more traumatic. Remote, magazines, even coffee. I was young, committed religiously and had small children. If I had only known what I know now. I did think it was me. I did think this was just a way of life with a certain kind of person.

Now as a senior, he cries at times that get him attention from other women. He likes to cry at church during a hymn especially. He lets the tears fall down his cheeks until he had to get his handkerchief out, wipe his face and blow his nose a bit before the hymn is over. Sometimes if he is telling a sad story about his childhood etc.. amazing fetes of acting.

Seriously. Women seem to love it as if he is so tenderhearted.

He also cries when he is watching a movie or something on TV that reminds him of what he thinks of himself. A John Wayne moment when the character is an endearing hero... Usually it is someone in his mind he identifies with (HE identifies, not the world around him). BUT can never comfort me. I don't cry in front of him anymore. I won't give him the satisfaction of getting something out of it for himself.

Thank you for being so candid and telling your stories. This is one more thread where I can see more eggs in the Narc basket than I had in the past. And it has been a longgggg past. Better late than never. I'm too old to leave, but not too old be get smart about it.

[stormbrewing]

Free - thank you so much for sharing your story. It is really encouraging to hear that there is light on the other side of all this but I am sorry for your losses and that you had to go through so much.

Tragedy - those tears! My stbxupdh also cries at very strategic times or during those kinds of movies. His intolerance of my emotions is a projection, because when he cries it is to manipulate others. He also sees me only as an extension of himself, and can't understand why I would cry when he isn't sad.

[veritas]

Storm, the first thing I want to do is give you a hug. I can feel your pain through your words. Its hard to determine what goes on inside anyone's head. Shoot, I sometimes can't even figure out my own thoughts, let alone the why's of others. All I can say from this side of the computer is that it seems he was feeling guilt at having rattled you. But for PD people they often don't handle guilt correctly. Instead of reflecting, apologizing and changing if needed, they just get angry and lash out at whomever they feel has brought up this awful emotion.

The gleeful look in his eye, I have experienced myself also. What I can say is breathe and try not to react to it as much as you can. That will deflate his attempts at intimidating you without uttering a spoken word. It seems to me, like you need a way to keep your mind off trying to read his. I know it is hard since that is how we protect ourselves. Try in some small way to do something for yourself without him knowing. Pick a flower, read an encouraging poem, watch a movie that makes you laugh, even for just a moment. I have found it helps me tremendously when I take care of myself in small ways in spite of my PD's efforts to undermine me. It gives us peace to take care of ourselves but also a sense of power that no matter how hard others try, they cannot break our inner resilience. Hugs once again and know others understand.