I'm an "awful person"

[Sadhubby]

Today's update: big argument about whether how I feed the baby is "terrible" or not. Apparently I don't wipe the bottom of the spoon which is the only reason why the 7 month old baby gets dirty eating. Nobody else does it, apparently. I said I don't want to discuss it in front of him, and when she pressed me saying she wants to know "why" I do it, is it  to make her angry, I started to ignore her to prevent escalation - I couldn't walk out as I was feeding my son. She told me to stop making stupid faces, that we would never solve our problems if I don't address them, and said I was a horrible person that just enjoyed the conflicts I create. She started crying.

I don't know if I didn't just reinforce her belief in this exchange. I couldn't help some justification and to say that I wouldn't discuss this minor issue that she was exaggerating the importance of in front of the baby. She just said I'm always doing it, and led to the "horrible person" comment.

[SparkStillLit]

I think keeping quiet was fine, and you didn't reinforce anything. You said you didn't want to discuss it, and you hushed. You were a captive audience, how we are in the car and such.
You did well. She tried to escalate, and you didn't participte. Good job.
Babies get dirty eating no matter what you do.  That is an...unusual idea.  I bet every other mom and dad on here will tell you the same. Two babies here, both got dirty while eating.  Heaven above, what will she say when he begins to feed himself. You haven't SEEN dirty!

[Sadhubby]

I did escalate by saying I wouldn't participate in a stupid discussion in front of the baby. I also said it's not important. I definitely made some annoyed faces. When she started escalating I started ignoring her.

Yes, of course the baby gets dirty when she feeds him, but it's somehow different because I did it on purpose... 

Update: I'm now being ignored, and told if i don't want to revisit the discussion we should not talk.

[Free2Bme]

Sadhubby,

This all seems so irrational.  Certainly when she feeds the baby there's a mess.

What if you said to her ...."What I'm hearing you say is you feel that I do not address our problems, that I enjoy creating conflicts and these things make me horrible, is this accurate?"   and then follow with, "If these are your perceptions, then we need help.  Let's go to counseling so we can explore this more".

Your not admitting guilt, just regurgitating what she said (affirming that you heard her grievance) and agreeing that there is a problem and offering a solution.  The goal is to get help, the end's justify the means.

Sometimes when someone is irrational, calmly repeating back to them what they are saying helps them to hear how they sound, but it doesn't guarantee introspection.

[SparkStillLit]

That there ^^ seems good. Or my T has me say "validating phrases", especially if I'm trapped somewhere. Things kind of like (you can fix these up) "It's irritating to you when the baby gets dirty from eating.". "If this were done differently maybe the baby would stay cleaner"
The point is to validate what they're saying, but leave out any agreement/argument/accusation/attack/other A word you can think of.
These are really de-fusing. I tried them, not expecting anything, because updh loves to have a go at me and wind up a big stink.
Not anymore. He still gives it a shot from time to time, like fires across my bow, but nope. No return fire. He can't get going if I don't play along. Mind you, he still says things and stomps down the stairs, but nooooo big fight, and if you wait a bit, it blows over. No ruined day, no big shitstorm.
So i dunno, maybe try out these sayings? They don't like this, they fight back, but it's worth a little peace & quiet?

[11JB68]

Imo it's good for babies to get messy when eating... Babies learn through all the senses... Enforcing neat eating on a baby seems like it could cause anxiety for the child.
I used to encourage ds to make a mess when eating

[notrightinthehead]

Sadhubby you got excellent suggestions above. I would like to add that when you are a captive audience and she comes at you with something unreasonable you could focus on her emotions not the content of her message - "you sound upset"  you might get..."yes I am because you do something wrong, blah"  then you answer "I am sorry you are upset"  ignoring what has actually been said (in order to start a fight) and reflecting the feelings you observe. Keep your own feelings under control if you can and just become a mirror, all the while continuing what you are doing and finding a way to remove yourself from the situation as quickly as possible.
Your aim is to de-escalate and remain as calm as possible. My PDh loved to fight. It seemed to give him energy. When I stopped engaging our home life calmed down siginificantly.

[Sadhubby]

Thanks for the advice. My therapist is currently teaching me how to set boundaries.  Apparently i made a few mistakes that may be reinforcing the behaviours.

The advice is to be vocally clear about what the consequence will be for breeches, and to follow through on it without exception. There is no space for negotiation or leniency. This is quite counterintuitive for me, as I expect people to behave rationally and ethically, not to be remorseless and single minded even when clearly doing something that they know is unacceptable. It seems our PDs don't have this layer of emotional Intelligence. Anyway, I have a structured way to approach this, and that's something i can do very well