"House Rules" by Rachel Sontag

[weeblewobbled]

WARNING: TRIGGERS

Forgive me if this book is already covered. I searched the board and couldn't find it.

SUMMARY: House Rules is a memoir than a self-help book. Rachel and her sister, Jenny, struggle under the thumb of their (NPD? AVPD? PPD?) father. A doctor with a plethora of control issues, he seems unable to connect with them as children, but even less able to see them as independent human beings separate from himself. He seems to define himself as being better and more moral/unconventional/unselfish/cultured than the rest of the world and doing the opposite of what was expected of him. (Working a lower paying job at a VA hospital rather than a lucrative private practice, hitch-hiking across Africa/India rather than traveling in a more conventional fashion.) He has built up this whole narrative of the poor Midwestern boy who came from nothing and led this extraordinary unconventional life. This bubble is popped occasionally by his mother and siblings who remind him, "Uh, we really weren't that poor."

Dad picks apart every action and thought and word the girls have, Rachel especially. Jenny is more of the invisible child. Dad allows for NO mistakes/missteps on their part. They aren't allowed to be children. They have to be perfect little machines that are always respectful and perfect and obedient. Anything less results in embarrassing scenes and letters Dad dictates for Rachel to write and rewrite because he wants to FEEL the remorse that he demands from her, plus dictated lists of the traits he sees in her. Such as "worthless, selfish, scum of the Earth." Any attempt at appearing to be feminine or attractive is seen as cheap and Dad basically informs her that those actions will lead to her being raped. And if she is raped, she will have to prove her "version" of events or she will be "found guilty." (By Dad, I guess.)

Counselors at Rachel's school programs realize there were major problems at the house, especially when Dad sends the dictated "apology letters" and surreptiously recorded phone calls to the counselors as proof of how awful Rachel is, so they do everything they can to keep Rachel out of the house. At one point Rachel actually chooses a mental hospital in-patient program rather than stay in the house.

Rachel's enMom was worse than Dad in some ways in that she actually physically assaults Rachel on a few occasions, venting the rage that she couldn't express to Dad, who treats EnMom as a child in some ways, too.  EnMom would often confide in Rachel "I'm really leaving him this time." And then when the divorce papers show up, Dad rages at Rachel for manipulating EnMom into filing for divorce, while enMom sadly nods and agrees that yes, Rachel was the mastermind behind the whole divorce concept. Mom doesn't see why Rachel is so difficult and claims that Dad is abusive. Dad provides travel opportunities and college tuition and nice things for the family. Can't Rachel just put up with his insane accusations?

After some false starts and blatant financial manipulation from Dad, Rachel finally starts dedicated therapy, goes NC with her Dad and finishes college. Dad demands an apology letter from Rachel (he really wants it to come from the heart) before EnMom will be allowed to attend her graduation. Rachel refuses and Mom blames her because "someone needs to be the adult in this situation" and "it's important for you to have your mother at your graduation." In fact, Dad is in another city on graduation day. Mom could easily attend, but literally tells Rachel in the choice between her Dad and Rachel, she's choosing Dad.

Rachel moves to another coast and gets some distance from the family. Mom guilts her for not talking to Dad. She claims that she's left Dad and it's "safe" for Rachel to come home for Thanksgiving at an aunt's house. The aunt hates Dad, so she specifically tells Mom and Dad that he's not invited. Dad shows up anyway, at Mom's urging because "where else is he going to go?"  Dad insists on taking Jenny and Rachel's picture, despite the fact that they're crying and hiding behind a water heater to get away from him. Rachel draws boundaries. Mom begs her to stop and just let everybody have a nice holiday. Dinner continues and Dad, predictably, tries to control the narrative. Rachel decides to continue a relationship with Jenny, but never spends another moment with her father, holiday or otherwise. She has phone-call-based relationship with her mom, who has read the memoir.

REVIEW: This was a tough one to read. It was compelling and well-written, but I was filled with teeth-grinding rage at both parents so often, I had to put it aside several times just to calm down. Sontag pulls no punches and I can't imagine how she still has a relationship with her mom, considering some of the things she wrote. I couldn't believe how badly Mom failed her girls, that she was willing to let Rachel and Jenny be terrorized under the martyr-y banner of keeping the family together.

There's no real resolution or explanation at the end. Rachel never really gets a good grasp of what's going on with her father, clinically. Her therapists told her that they weren't qualified to talk about him, and focus on her relationship EnMom, (which I found sort of alarming.) But Rachel theorizes that her mother, who grew up with out a father, didn't want a husband so much as a father for herself. She was willing to sacrifice her daughter's well-being in order to feel like she was part of a family unit and taken care of. She doesn't care if she has to lie to her girls, make other people desperately uncomfortable or put her sister in the position of throwing Dad out of her house, she WILL maintain the illusion of the perfect family.

I hope that Rachel is doing well and has found peace. Overall, the read left me unsettled and angry. Has anyone read this?

[weeblewobbled]

Ugh, just found a web site where the father expounds on "setting things right" re: the "multiple errors" in the book, plastering family photos and scans of Rachel's apology letters, demanding to know why Rachel is so ungrateful for all of the things her parents did for her. No no no.

[Rainstorm]

It sounds like an interesting book to read, though sad.  My husband has many N traits, so I may read this book to give me insight on what it's like for our children.