Is anyone staying in their marriage with the intention of divorcing later?

[Consumed]

E.g waiting until children are older/have flown the nest.

[SparkStillLit]

Maybe. I'm so helpful, huh? I haven't yet reached a decision. I guess I'll "cross that bridge".

[Poison Ivy]

I recognized some problems in my marriage from the start (we got married in 1985, when I was 23 years old). Things were okay for several years. Bigger problems began in the mid-1990s, when my husband was let go from a job, didn't tell me right away, and didn't look for work. Although things were bad in these years, I don't think I seriously considered divorce then. I did begin seriously considering divorce around 2010. One of our children was in college, the other still in high school. I decided to wait, and I ended up filing in late 2015, after our younger child graduated from college.

[D.]

That's what my current husband did w/his ex wife (not sure about PD, but cheating and emotional abuse).  He feels very good about the decision.  On the other hand I see the fall out w/his adult kids now who clearly experienced emotional abuse at the hands of their mother.  But maybe it would have been worse if he had been more absent due to divorce? 

I divorced while one was in middle school.  I go around about this topic because I don't think that I did my kids any favors by staying w/my ex since he was hurtful towards them and they saw an unhealthy relationship.  On the other hand the older was already in college and, although painful, it was easier on him.  He is healthier now.  But in part that might have been because the younger really didn't have a healthy parent for a while.  I was very sick mentally during much of the divorce, I was so traumitized and anxious.  So if someone is prepared and healthy as possible during the divorce perhaps it is different?

[Boat Babe]

I honestly can't see the point in staying in a dysfunctional relationship, once the FOG has lifted and you are able to leave. But that's just me.

[Poison Ivy]

I had financial reasons for filing for divorce when I did. Our children got a lot of need-based financial aid in college, and I did not think I could rely on my then spouse, now ex, to fill out financial aid forms on his own, as he would have had to do if we had not been married while our children were in college.

[IcedCoffee]

Maybe. I'm so helpful, huh? I haven't yet reached a decision. I guess I'll "cross that bridge".

Same here. Currently it's my uBPDw who wants a divorce and I'm trying to keep the family together, but maybe only until the children are older.

[Lauren17]

Me.
I had my ah ha! moment at 17 years married. It took some time for me to realize that I couldn't change him. DD was about 8 when I decided to stay married until she was grown. That meant staying for another 10 years at least.
I've been learning, working on my healing, trying to give DD tools to cope. As I've used the tools and grown myself, H has withdrawn more and more.
I'm about halfway through that 10 years and have decided I can't live this way anymore. The way we're living now isn't marriage.
My T is helping me to see that DD is going to be exposed to her fathers behavior either way. And I'm thinking through what I can provide for her after divorce as opposed to what I'm demonstrating now.
I'm not sure there is a good answer to this question. Only a less bad one.

[11JB68]

Married for almost 30  years. Only started to come Out of the FOG and understand the issues/dynamic about 3 years ago....so sad I didn't figure it out earlier - BUT almost left once or twice but was afraid of leaving DS with uPDh and afraid to even share custody etc. NOW still kind of foggy and feel GUILT if I leave and a sense of Obligation/commitment to uPDh etc. Also Fear of what he will do....and concern about my future financial situation since I'd likely have to pay him support.... UGH.

[tommom]

Been married to my uBPD/Hoarder h for 47 years. I was ready to leave about 10  years ago, while I was still working, but he became critically ill. I made the
decision to take care of him.  (He quite literally had no one else.) His months turned into years. (Actually, multiple cancers, all of which he survived.)

I am working with a T who is very behind me leaving, but now I have serious physical issues to deal with and (this may sound awful) I deserve for him to do that, by gum.  I don't know, still preparing for the ultimate chaotic mess again (but aren't we all waiting for yet another shoe to drop, always?) I am trying to sort of jump start my career again; I'm not quite done with that, just yet. So, even at my age (let's just not go there!) I want to stay for now.

[Stillirise]

Staying was my original plan for several years.  I didn't want to raise my children in a divided home situation.  Also, there was very strong financial incentive to stay, not for myself, so much, but I told myself it was best for the children. Every situation is different, but my children were leaving me notes, begging for me to divorce their dad. Obviously, we were not able to demonstrate what a calm, empathetic family environment looked like.

I came here, and started using the toolbox, trying to improve our daily home situation.  I finally came to realize our home was already terribly broken, and I was allowing my children to see and hear the verbal and emotional abuse I was suffering.  My own mental health was also starting to decline, as things got worse. 

Could I have continued to MC my way through the next 7-10 years? Maybe.  I would never judge anyone who wanted to go that route.  However, now that I see how my own health, and the mental health of the children seem to be improved, I am thankful I decided to rip off the band aid when I did. I took a gamble that even if he wanted to punish me though a custody battle, he would be too selfish to show up for the parenting involved, as a result. So far, he's proven that to be a safe bet. I may not be as well off financially right now, but I've gained so much more in other areas.

Best wishes. We are here to support you, whatever you decide.

[D.]

I agree this is such an important question.  And how mature of you to put your children's well being at the forefront.

These conversations reminded me that as a child I always fantasized about my enabling mother leaving abusive uPD father.

No regrets, but I sometimes wonder how things might have turned had she left and I'd head a healthier more present mother, and no more emotional abuse and neglect from my father...

[ploughthrough2021]

That would be me. I have waited 6 years for my kids to become teenagers and now planning to separate from my uNPDW. Even one of my kids is ridiculing me for taking that abuse for so long (30 years)