Unsettled about Easter and

Pepin · April 12, 2022, 02:52:07 PM

Easter is approaching....Mother's Day is approaching...and in the distance Thanksgiving and Xmas. These are all holidays that I have dreaded. This includes DH's Birthday and DPD CN MIL's Birthday. But since she is no longer here I am already feeling awkward about how to be. I have dreamed about having these days for our nuclear family to celebrate without guilt. A year from now I am certain that I will be fine and not confused about how to feel. This is the first time being without DPD CN MIL since she passed. There is no reason to worry about including her because she isn't here anymore. But I worry about DH missing her....I worry about the guilt he is carrying - even though he has expressed relief at her passing. To date, I haven't had a Mother's Day that was really inclusive of all the mothers in the extended family because it was only about DPD CN MIL. The one time I chose the restaurant DPD CN MIL went silent during the lunch and it was obvious that she was disappointed with my selection or that I was even given the option to choose. I walked away from that lunch feeling terrible-- almost worse than all the other times when she got to choose. DH made Mother's Day about HIS mother. Our children begrudgingly participated for fear of DH becoming unhinged rather than asking to do something separate with me -- because after all, DPD CN MIL needed to have a big audience to celebrate her position.

It is weird. I don't know how to be or what to do. We do have Easter plans and I'm going to try and be as chill as possible. But I know DH will be having his other in his thoughts rather than living in the moment -- but I hope for his sake he can set his thoughts behind and just focus on Easter itself.

Amadahy · April 12, 2022, 04:56:52 PM

Hugs, Pepin.

One Mother's Day I was so broken up with grief over years of unresolved everything with Nmom that I rented myself a weekend getaway and cried the whole stay. The holidays are challenging for so many of us. I wish you and yours peace and surprising moments of joy! xoxo

JustKeepTrying · April 12, 2022, 06:32:42 PM

pepin,

I feel for you and all of your family. So many conflicting emotions and concerns. I completely sympathize. My ex NPMIL demanded attention on all mother's day- which also fell on my birthday - by a day or two some years. I have never had a completely free birthday or Mother's Day to enjoy being - well anything. We all had to go and worship at her feet and hope to pass her judgment. It was horrible.

I am sure you experienced much of the same.

I have one small suggestion - that you give your husband permission to grieve the good parts of her - to remember the positive - either by discussion or raising a toast with the two of you - or whatever he wants to help him process not just the bad but also the good.

As for you, I hope you find some small joy in the holidays - little bursts of happiness that will lead to greater joy.

Pepin · April 12, 2022, 07:32:51 PM

Quote from: Amadahy on April 12, 2022, 04:56:52 PM
Hugs, Pepin.

One Mother's Day I was so broken up with grief over years of unresolved everything with Nmom that I rented myself a weekend getaway and cried the whole stay. The holidays are challenging for so many of us. I wish you and yours peace and surprising moments of joy! xoxo

I am sorry you had to be brought to tears over such a challenging day. Thank you for the words of encouragement. There is just so much to process as this was completely unexpected that she would pass when she did. I really thought I was going to have to trudge forward for another 10 years with her aways being the center of every single holiday. Now I don't have to and it just feels unsettling. I feel somewhat guilty for being happy...

Pepin · April 12, 2022, 07:43:17 PM

Quote from: JustKeepTrying on April 12, 2022, 06:32:42 PM
I have one small suggestion - that you give your husband permission to grieve the good parts of her - to remember the positive - either by discussion or raising a toast with the two of you - or whatever he wants to help him process not just the bad but also the good.

As for you, I hope you find some small joy in the holidays - little bursts of happiness that will lead to greater joy.

Thanks for the advice...I'm on the edge of my seat however wondering what it is that he might reminisce about her around holidays? She was not an active participant in any form. She just showed up to be fed and fawned over without ever lifting a finger. Sure she would bring over some dishes to share but she made sure that everyone knew what she brought and to at least have a second serving of it. She was very self congratulatory yet somewhat quiet about what we made.

If we ate out she suddenly played helpless and had DH read the menu to her and help her choose something which usually was the cheapest item (to make the rest of us look like we were overpaying for our choice) or sometimes something from the children's menu. And she always made sure to give some to DH saying that she was full or that it was too much. Every single time.

I am so happy those days are over. I could never imagine doing anything like that my adult children or even my friends. But she did because she knew she was being watched and supported by her favorite son. He just couldn't see what her agenda was other than to be a sweet little old lady.

She would have been an amazing actress...

notrightinthehead · April 13, 2022, 01:11:37 AM

Pepin, would it be possible for you to let your h deal with his feelings and thoughts and only worry about them if he tells you about them? And instead look inside of you and what your needs and wishes are? There might be some unmet needs and longings inside of you and maybe now is the time that you can begin to take care of Pepin and start paying respect to her and give her what she needs.

Pepin · April 13, 2022, 02:08:06 PM

Quote from: notrightinthehead on April 13, 2022, 01:11:37 AM
Pepin, would it be possible for you to let your h deal with his feelings and thoughts and only worry about them if he tells you about them? And instead look inside of you and what your needs and wishes are? There might be some unmet needs and longings inside of you and maybe now is the time that you can begin to take care of Pepin and start paying respect to her and give her what she needs.

I think this is why I am stuck because my needs and wishes have been brushed aside for many years (20+ years). It actually feels kind of *scary*

now that DPD CN MIL is gone - only because she was predictable and a constant at every single holiday. Now she's not here and I think all of us are feeling untethered and not quite sure what to do.

Every holiday or birthday was her day to require acknowledgment of her status - and she made certain that her demands were met. Easter for her wasn't about hiding eggs filled with treats for her grandchildren or gifting a basket with fun stuff to others. It wasn't about coming together and having a meal together either- or even any of the religious aspects that are tradition. It was just a fancy day to serve her. It was about her getting attention and having a meal where she called the shots. She never hosted an easter brunch or meal but insisted on inserting herself when we did.

And she prevented DH from participating the way he wanted to by demanding that he be by her side and listen to her talk. It was just another day for her and she'd shop talk and even whip out her mail for him to help her sort through - even keeping to her disrespectful tradition of this last Xmas before she passed and DH rolled his eyes finally seeing the absurdity of her behavior. We've gone out on a limb to dance around her - especially me.

Pepin just wants a normal no drama Easter. She wants to have brunch and eat candy and enjoy the company of anyone else around her and send rainbow wishes to those who are not present but close to her heart. That's it. I'm glad we won't have her GD mail to open anymore...

Pepin · April 18, 2022, 02:58:14 PM

And.....here I am with an update. Easter was

and I'm not sure I want to do it again next year if this is any indication for things to come. It seemed that the day was off to a good start and then it was like a dark cloud moved overhead and dampered almost everything. I don't think anyone had much of a good time at brunch. The best part was getting up and serving myself and chatting with staff...

And then there was a moment where I could sense that DH's irritation was building and he was about to snap at me and I did a bad and took a jab at myself with an insult to get him to drop it. It was terrible that I did this to myself and I realized immediately that it was a trauma response.

Whenever DPD CN MIL struggled to comprehend something DH would literally blow up and let it out on me instead of her. Yes, he would be angry with her but was unable to verbalize this with her. It didn't matter how many times he would explain something to her -- she just didn't get it -- and DH was blind to the fact that this was her intention. The longer she put off understanding what he was trying to help her with, the more time she had with her son. He would always come back and try again. And again and again. Ugh. I didn't want to experience his wrath like what he did to her even though I had had a brain fog and corrected it as soon as I punished myself with the degrading remark.

I bring all of this up because clearly DH was agitated yesterday that we were finally spending an Easter without DPD CN MIL...and he had so much trouble just being in the moment even though the brunch was his idea. He was lost without having her there to talk to in their language while the rest of us would watch and be ignored. This holiday without DPD CN MIL was new territory for him (uncomfortable) but something I personally have been wanting for years....and it wasn't so good.

Mother's Day is next and I think I'd just rather evaporate that day and not even deal with it. I might send some treats to my college kid and for my other one at home I might take her out before the horrid day for her favorite pastries. On the actual day I will ask DH to just leave it alone and pretend it is a regular weekend day. I don't want to suddenly be celebrated when for the past 20+ years I was invisible because of DPD CN MIL needing to be on a pedestal.

I am NOT an extra mother who needed to wait on the side.

I am also a MOTHER and Mother's Day was supposed to be about me, too.

1footouttadefog · April 21, 2022, 04:04:19 PM

Maybe you could make a visit to her grave and leave flowers, or plant a tree or rose shrub in the yard in memory of her on mothers day or the day before and put a little ribbon on each year for mother's day after that.

This way you give him a way to acknowledge it and assuage his guilt without taking over your mother's day each year.

BeautifulCrazy · April 21, 2022, 10:22:28 PM

I love that idea 1foot!!

Pepin, I hope that you can find or create a new tradition for Mother's Day.
Something special that allows you to be celebrated the way you deserve and enjoy.
You are right, you certainly are NOT an extra mother who needed to wait on the side!
You ARE a wonderful MOTHER and Mother's Day IS supposed to be about you, too.

I am sorry it has been this way for you.