Seeking support... A discard from the blue

[paulmichael]

Hello guys. I've finally plucked up the courage to share my story in an attempt to heal and gain some strength through support.

I will try and keep it as brief as possible but happy to share further details should anyone think they are relevant. Also, as I am new here, please forgive me for not being completely up to speed with the terms and abbreviations.

Last September, I was the subject of what I now know to be a discard. And it was - and continues to be - brutally painful.

We'd had an unbroken seven years together until that point. In a nutshell, she moved to be with me from a different country after we'd met during an initial visit as I knew her through working for the same company and we'd become friendly as we shared mutual interests.

While she was here, things just kind of happened as they do and it moved pretty quickly. Three months after visiting, she came to live here. I now know this to be the love bombing phase.

We lived in my parents' for the first two and a half years. They put her up rent free and didn't request anything for her being there, they were just happy to see me happy again. But she struggled for work and it wasn't until just under two years of being here she landed her first full time job, working in the same industry as myself. My family and I did everything we could to open those doors for her and eventually it paid off. I was so happy for her.

And in terms of happiness, I was happy. Very happy. We rarely fought, she was kind, thoughtful, considerate and my best friend. I felt so lucky to have found her.

We got our own place and our relationship continued to be strong, but our intimacy slowly began to dwindle over time. I just put that down to being in a long term relationship in which both of us had big work commitments. She progressed rapidly in her career and climbed the ladder quickly, becoming very successful and achieving her goals and ambitions.

But our bond was strong. We were always making each other laugh and very rarely arguing or irritating each other. On a couple of occasions, usually after evenings out drinking, we clashed verbally but the next morning things were patched up.

There was never any jealousy or reason to doubt our trust in each other and being with her, in our home, was my safe and happy space.

Until last year, when things unravelled very, very quickly and with very little warning - and I consider myself someone sensitive to signs and signals and would usually say I'm good at reading them.

It started with a disagreement prior to me going away for the weekend on vacation, which I do regret now but don't believe it was in any way the real reason behind what would follow.

She went away for work purposes while I was away. It was her choice to go. There was something odd about it and the usual details she would supply about trips weren't there, thinking back. Essentially, she told me she was going for a week, but could extend if she needed more time to complete a project she was working on.

But while she was away, she wasn't contactable in the way she normally was. In fact, she would read and ignore messages and refused to FaceTime or chat on the phone. A few days in, she told me she was 'thinking about things' as she didn't want to have another argument again. I wasn't happy with this as I felt she should have communicated with me on the issue and treated me more respectfully as she knew I was aware something wasn't right and was desperate for reassurance.

That came six days into her trip via a text in which she told me she loved me and there was "no big crisis", she just wanted time to think and have some space.

A few days later, I was going away on a work trip for 10 days and coincidentally, she returned home after I'd left. Of course, I found that odd.

Our communication was strange too. It was like she was writing to me formally. No more 'I love yous', emojis or in jokes. All straight.

We spoke on the phone a few times while I was away and on her birthday via FaceTime for about 10 minutes. I had asked if she wanted me to gain permission to return from my trip early to be with her on her birthday but she said no as the project she was working on was consuming all of her time.

So when I did get back and we were finally together again after more than three weeks, we hugged but I noticed she was reluctant to kiss me. After the second time, I asked her but she said she wasn't.

We had a week together before she wanted to talk and 'not pretend what happened didn't happen'. I thought that was the right thing to do as her refusal to talk to me when she was away had resulted in me having a panic attack and being put on diazepam for a couple of days. I hadn't told her, but I wanted to explain how her behaviour had impacted me.

During this chat she told me she wanted to be on her own and to separate. There was no real reason given, other than 'I realised when I was away that I was alright on my own'. I was devastated. I asked if there was something that could change her mind and she said no.

The next day, I essentially begged her to fight for us. We'd had a great seven years, why give this up? Surely we have to communicate and work through problems.

At this point, she began to change and said things like 'I don't have the emotional capacity' and 'I am dead inside' but ultimately she agreed to stay together and try.

But she didn't try at all. If anything, her behaviour towards me went so far away from trying. She was cold, disinterested and distant - and constantly on her phone, even when in the bathroom.

I began to suspect something more was at play but I wanted to fight for the person I loved so I did all I could.

But about a week later, a package arrived for her. I took no notice until she began to behave oddly around it. I eventually realised she'd hidden the package so when I located it, it had been partly opened and then placed away. They were coasters of a musician from Red Bubble.

This musician happened to be the idol of a guy I noticed she'd been engaging with frequently on Instagram - and who also happened to live in the country where she went to work on her project.

Later that night, I found an expensive notepad in our living room. It caught me eye because it was pretty expensive looking and I'd never seen it before. When I looked at it, I found it was a handmade product from the city the guy mentioned above comes from.

So I confronted her. And she exploded. 'I'm done with you', 'you're a pyshco', 'you're a stalker', 'you're controlling' were some of the things she was yelling at me. I had never seen her face look this way before. I pleaded with her to calm down and talk but she just kept repeating those lines.

I asked about the coasters. They were a gift for her brother, she claimed.

The next day, I tried again. I was highly emotional but she wasn't interested. She started the gaslighting about my behaviour, which now I can see it for what it was - excuse making.

She denied knowing this guy and said they didn't talk. She'd never met him in person, she insisted. She just liked his posts but nothing more than that.

Later that day, she left. I'd gone out to a long-standing commitment in the hope she'd be there when I returned. But she wasn't and that was that. But only after she'd gone out to buy me ready meals and coffee(!?!). She even offered to cook me dinner and left me a note asking me to let her know when I got home and that she was 'sorry as she never wanted or expected this to happen'. I did check, and those coasters had been taken with her.

Since then, we've met twice but it's not the same person. She has no remorse for what she's put me through. To the point where she's actually been very indirectly disrespectful to me and my family with some of her comments and social media posts in terms of how little empathy or compassion she's shown.

We haven't communicated at all for more than three months now. And she essentially left me to do everything with our old apartment. We haven't spoken since before the keys went back on the place.

It's like she tossed a grenade into my life and walked off to leave me to deal with the damage. I have never felt emotional, mental and physical pain like it.

I began therapy to help with it and my therapist believes she is a covert narcissist, which has led me to this place. The therapy helps a lot and going is one of the best decisions I've made.

I am struggling to let go. I miss her, I miss my old place and I miss my old lifestyle. I've just existed since she walked out, I haven't lived. I try to take it day by day and of course, time does help, but I'm still hurting and still confused.

I don't have any reason for this happening. Things seemed absolutely fine and then in a flash, this. And what's so, so hurtful is how little regard she seems to have for me and our relationship. We were together seven years unbroken and spoke every single day... now this.

I also feel used. My family and I did a lot for her, gave her a home and helped with her career. My dad considered her a daughter, my younger brother a big sister.

And I'm angry about how I've been treated. I don't believe I deserved that.

My brain can't compute or comprehend what has happened or why and I'm struggling to move forward. The idea of a future without her scares me.

So I'd welcome any advice or support and I guess I just wanted to get this off my chest a bit.

Obviously seven years can't be captured in full in what I have written above and I've deliberately left out some details that might make this identifiable to anyone who comes across it, but essentially that's my story and my pain.

[Simon]

Hi Paul.

That's quite a story.
Everyone here knows the pain you are going through, which I hope helps you, although I have to say that your story is particularly upsetting.
I think that it's because you say that you had 7 good years before her illness kicked in and you got to see the real her.

While reading your story, one part jumped out at me, and was so identical to my experience.
It was the part about the phone texts going from warm, flirty and friendly to cold, clinical and rare.
From the very beginning, it was all emojis and love hearts, constantly texting me (I worked 30 miles away), and when I read the part of your story about it suddenly being different, it took me right back to the moment it happened to me.
I was 30 miles away, and couldn't do anything about it at the time, and when I got home, she seemed fine (as fine as she could be), but the texts were never the same again, and neither was the relationship.
It's that moment when they switch on you, and the idealisation phase is finally over, and they no longer see you as the "cure" (full steam ahead for the devaluation phase!).

The other part of your story is something that most of us are familiar with, and that's the coldness of the disordered person after they've discarded you.
They really don't care.
The truth is, they never did.
I know that this is hard to accept, and that you're probably shaking your head while you're reading this, and saying to yourself that it may be true of others, but not [insert her name here], but if she's really a Narcissist or a Borderline (the latter being my guess if I'm honest), they they have no empathy, and that negates the capacity for Love.
They have no emotional attachment to us, we're seen as objects (Narcs are generally aware of this, Borderlines generally not), and it's one of the hardest things to get your head around when you first come out of one of these relationships.
I think it due to us still seeing them as normal people, with access to the same thought processes as the rest of us, but they simply don't.
My ex, after jumping to someone else the very next day, thought that I'd be interested in hearing about the latest goings on in the Soap that we used to watch together, when we bumped into each other a week later.
This was no hoover attempt.
She genuinely thought I'd like to stand there and talk about Eastenders, without a care in the World.
Personality Disordered people have no emotional attachment to any memories they have, just cognitive attachment.
We convince ourselves that they miss us, regret leaving us or regret treating us badly, again because we think they think like us.

This board is a great help, and I'm sure you'll get a lot of support from the people here who have been through it themselves.
Unfortunately, there are some on this board who are still going through it, and they have a section for it (which I will never read) called something like "Committed to making it work".
I'm not having a go at anyone who is trying to make it work, I wouldn't do that.
The only reason I bring it up is because of when you mention in your story about the sudden discard, the total coldness and distance since the discard, etc.
Unfortunately, this is going to happen in almost all cases, and as painful as the rest of the relationship is, the pain when this happens is something else, as you are now finding out.

You say that you miss her, and can't imagine life without her, but once a relationship with these people fractures, it will never be the same again.
Object Relations Theory (was that Klein? can't be bothered to check now ) says that you are either GOOD object other, or BAD object other (good parent or bad parent).
Although there is a lot of switching between seeing you as all good and all bad during the relationship, when they finally split, you will always be seen as the villain.
If you go back with them after this, they will re-idealise you for a short while, and then devalue you more than you can imagine.
Apparently, it gets worse with each return, and the idealise phase is shorter each time, and this form of intermittent reinforcement is very damaging to the mental health of the victim.
Thankfully, I never went back, and never will, and when she discards the new supply (and I have it on good authority that it's happening right now), if she was to come knocking, I know that she is that last thing I want in my life, and I would calmly act indifferent, and just get on with my life.
You will get there too, you'll just have to be patient.

Don't consider going back with her.
I know it's not easy, we've all been there, but it's worth it believe me.

I totally understand you saying how you feel used and angry.
Hurt pride is difficult to overcome.
I know it was for me.
All the time, effort and Love I invested in the relationship was never appreciated, and will not be missed by her, and it's only by understanding the Disorder behind the person that you can let the hurt pride pain go.
They're emotionally children, stuck between toddler and teen, and when you understand this, the things they do and say show you how pitiful they really are, and you can move on.

I'll stop here (why can't I make short posts! lol).
I was going to list some of the things I decided to do to help me when I got out of my toxic relationship, but this post is long enough.

Good luck mate.
Don't rush into anything.
Think very carefully before going back to her, if the comes asking.
The mask has slipped, and it will only get worse each time you go back.
Read the many examples on this forum for proof of this.

[paulmichael]

Simon,

Thank you so, so much for the long, supportive post. I really appreciate the words and sentiment behind it. I would have shook my head until I had a breakthrough session with my therapist in November and realised she has an illness.

Much of what you've written jumped out at me, but especially these two lines...

Personality Disordered people have no emotional attachment to any memories they have, just cognitive attachment.
We convince ourselves that they miss us, regret leaving us or regret treating us badly, again because we think they think like us.

This is something I have struggled with. I have great sentiment and attach emotion to memories and objects, but she doesn't.

Two examples of this would be how she abandoned our home that we built together with such ease, but for me it has been one of the hardest things of all - I loved that place so, so much and I miss it.

And secondly, I mentioned it was her birthday during the final weeks of our relationship. When she left, she took almost all the gifts I'd bought her with her - and they were things I'd put a lot of thought and consideration into and, to be frank, spent a lot of money on. I was gobsmacked - I can't even look at certain inanimate objects without being triggered.

The moment the communication changed was so stark. You could pinpoint it. When I questioned her on it during the break up, she told me she'd done it purposely so I "couldn't point at messages and say, 'well you said this then...'". Awful.

Lastly, I really would like you to share some of the things you did that you found helpful, so if you get an opportunity I'd appreciate it.

Thanks again, mate.

[IcedCoffee]

It's hard to tell whether there's a PD element to this. Looking back did you think there was something odd about her from the start? I did with my uBPDw, but I had no clue as to the horror that was to come!

I agree with Simon, don't consider going back. I remember being told in my youth that when a relationship ends it takes about one month per year of the relationship to get over it. I've found that to be quite accurate. Even if it's not, it's like "This too shall pass," a bit cheesy but I still find it helpful! So you're nearly there.

There are no children, no complicated financial links. Look in these forums and see the people who are getting out after 20, 30, 40+ years. You don't want to be one of those. I'm 20+ with two young children and other complications. I'm trying to keep things going but if I'd known what was to come I think I would have gotten out after seven years if I could!

[paulmichael]

Hey IcedCoffee, thank you for replying.

So, after my therapist told me she thought she was a covert narcissist, everything I've read since seems to suggest that's the case. It's like I'm reading about her and our situation/break up.

In terms of did I think there was something odd, no, not really. I did think her move to be with me was sudden and there seemed to be little emotion about leaving home and her family, but I stupidly put that down to wanting to be with me.

She did, however, always have a very high opinion of herself - her looks and her work, specifically. The ego was always there. Her social media is littered with selfies and after we split, she paid a photographer to take photos of her around town. Towards the end, I began to see how superficial she'd become with that stuff.

If anything, her social media "output" increased after the split. Even in the immediate days afterwards, which I couldn't believe. I've since stopped looking, which was hard but I've managed it, and unfollowed/unfriended etc.

Similarly, we (our friends) all used to joke that she couldn't talk about something without referencing herself or an element of praise she'd received.

There's always been a bad guy since she began work, too - that one person who disagreed or who suggested she change something about what she was working on.

My therapist has said exactly the same as you - I should be thankful we weren't married with children and financial commitments.

But still, it hurts. Badly.

[Simon]

Hi Paul.
Hope you're well.

Yeah, the lack of emotional attachment is hard to get a grip on isn't it?
Understanding this is a huge step towards getting over the relationship, and what helped me in this respect was that her odd behaviour made it clear that she was not normal.

Sounds obvious, but we make excuses for them and minimalize their odd behaviour so we don't have to admit this to ourselves.
In their eyes, we should Love them, look after them, respect them, be everything they want us to be, and expect nothing in return.
Except for the occasional bright spots that is, but in reality, these are just more examples of Intermittent Reinforcement, used to keep us hooked in the relationship, make us try harder (because trying harder must have worked because they're being nice again), and to mentally condition us to accept that such a very low level of attention, commitment, and Love from them is acceptable.

And that's the rough part.
Because of the way they manipulate and condition us, they can invest less and less in the relationship, while we work harder and harder at it, thinking that it's going to make things better.
If you think about it, they must be laughing under their breath throughout the whole relationship. 

When my ex discarded me, I went to her house to get my things, and while I was putting things in my backpack, she asked me if I'd seen the USB stick from the TV.
MY USB stick that I used to sometimes bring over so we could watch programmes together.
And when a USB stick is connected to a smart TV, it can also be used to pause live TV, using the available memory on the stick as a buffer.
Well, my stick would sometimes be at my house or hers, depending on whether I was in the process of bringing something over, etc, and this particular time, it happened to be at my house, and she was obviously aware of where it was, and was hinting at me bringing it over for her (more manipulation).
Her face was a picture when I said "Yeah, it's at mine. They're not too expensive. About 20 quid in Currys". 
Just shows how entitled they are.
The trouble is, from the many stories I've read in the last year, a lot of victims would have caved and offered to bring it over.
Luckily, I'd had my fill of the relationship by the time it ended (still hurt obviously, but that's because I'm normal).

Another thing that shows the person behind the mask, which we often miss at the time because we're in so deep, is just how sadistic they are.
You can Love them, care for them, provide for them, protect them, etc, but nothing seems to light up their face more than the thought of you on your arse!
Me and my ex had an argument about a month before the end, I forget what it was about, but it was nothing a normal couple couldn't deal with in a few minutes of normal discussion.
Of course, an hour later, the argument ended, nothing had been resolved, and she storms off to bed.
About half hour later, I join her. I can see she's still awake from the light from the window, I get into bed and go to sleep.
The next morning, I'm getting ready for work while she's sat glaring at me from the kitchen table, and then she says "Did you sleep OK?".
I looked at her, and her eyes were bright and wide, waiting for the answer, because she expected it to be "Not Really".
But I did sleep well.
I'd done a 12 hour shift, eaten, and then had an exhausting argument about nothing which went nowhere, so I was knackered!
So, when I said "Yeah, I went out like a light!", I wasn't trying to wind her up or anything, that was the truth, and it was said genuinely and without any attitude.
Her face dropped, and she gave me an unbelievable glare.
The disappointment on her face was obvious.
It's very sad when you care about someone, and their biggest kick seems to be seeing you suffer.

As for a list of things to do, as mentioned previously, here's what helped me.
Something I've mentioned elsewhere on the forum is writing down the Traits of Borderlines and Narcs, as well as real examples of abuse/disrespect etc.
I'd recommend a white board or chalk board if you have access to one (something you can hide if you have guests over. This is for your eyes only), or get yourself a big A4 notepad.

Start with writing down the Traits of Borderlines:

• Chronic feelings of emptiness
• Emotional instability in reaction to day-to-day events (e.g., intense episodic sadness, irritability, or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days)
• Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment
• Identity disturbance with markedly or persistently unstable self-image or sense of self
• Impulsive behaviour in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging (e.g., spending, sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, binge eating)
• Inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g., frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights)
• Pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by extremes between idealization and devaluation (also known as "splitting")
• Recurrent suicidal behaviour, gestures, or threats, or self-harming behaviour
• Transient, stress-related paranoid ideation or severe dissociative symptoms

and Narcs:

• Has a grandiose sense of self-importance (expects to be recognized as superior without commensurate achievements).
• Preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love.
• Believes that they are "special" and unique and can only be understood by, or should associate with, other special or high-status people (or institutions).
• Requires excessive admiration.
• Has a sense of entitlement (Unreasonable expectations of especially favourable treatment or automatic compliance with their expectations).
• Is interpersonally exploitative (i.e., takes advantage of others to achieve their own ends).
• Lacks empathy: is unwilling to recognize or identify with the feelings and needs of others.
• Is often envious of others or believes that others are envious of them.
• Shows arrogant, haughty behaviours or attitudes

Then, on another page (or the right-hand side of the board if you're using one), write down real examples of your abuse, no matter how mild or how insignificant it may seem to you.
Examples of when she showed no empathy or respect, or examples of how immature and child-like her behaviour was. How toxic she was to you and especially to others behind closed doors (that's a common one), or examples of the lies she told you, big and small.
Examples, in hindsight, of how transactional the whole relationship was.
The future-faking, and the suspected infidelity (emotional cheating is still cheating. It doesn't have to be physical. It hurts the same).
And, again in hindsight, how little she actually appreciated anything you did for her during the course of the relationship.

And anything else I've missed, because the purpose of this, of course, is to snap yourself out of feeling sorry for your ex, or missing the fake person she pretended to be, etc.
Because the mind will try to protect you by only remembering the "good" times, and with this list on display or close-at-hand at all times, you will be able to redress the balance.

Trust me.
This works,....most of the time.
Trauma bonds and the chemical reaction in the brain that you're addicted to right now is a tough beast, and occasionally, even knowing this stuff won't be enough, but it's rare and fleeting.
And it gets even more rare as time goes on.

Before I go, just a note on my history.
I have been in more than a few relationships, and while none of my relationships ended up being life-long, I've been with some great women, most of whom I'm still friends with to this day, and those that I'm not friends with just lost contact with.
Never a drama, and nice memories from very nice people.
It was luck more than judgement that I never came across one of these PDs before.
Yes I was aware of them, but never dated one.
Never thought I'd be stupid enough to.
But there's the rub.
My experience with a BPD/NPD (yes, she qualified for both) has taught me more than any book ever has.
It was the worst relationship I'd ever experienced, by a 1000 miles, and one of the worst times of my life, because I seemed to lose myself.
But I've come out the other side with a new appreciation for life, for the people around me, and boundaries that will stay intact for the rest of my life.

But best of all.....I don't have to put up with her any more.
In the middle of the relationship, one of my best mates in work said to me one day "Are you OK?".
As far as I knew, I was acting normal, just being me, but when I asked him what he meant, he said that I hadn't been right for a long time, and he wondered if something was wrong.
I thought I was the same, but clearly not.
You get worn down.
"Death by a thousand cuts", subtle but constant.

Last thing, I promise. 
Near the end of the relationship, my Dad became ill, and I'd been discussing it with them all in work.
Obviously, I'd been talking to my ex about it too.
Well, my Dad recovered, and one day in work, in a quiet moment, a woman I work with and know very well came up to me and said "How's your Dad now. Is he OK?"
I remember so vividly my reaction, which is why I'm bringing it up.
I was so starved of any amount of compassion or empathy at home, that when a good friend at work asked me how my Dad was, I literally took a step back, reeled in silence for a second or two before answering something like "Yeah, he's fine. He's back home with his Dog now, so he's happy". And then I added "Thanks for asking".
I'll never forget that feeling of surprise.
A couple of years prior to that, I would have expected them to ask, and been annoyed if they hadn't.
That's how conditioned you get, without even realising it.

By the way, my ex never asked how he was.
Not during or after.
I was always the one to bring up the subject.

Back to the topic (briefly), the other things I personally did during the first 12 months of being free; Fitness (weights and cardio, doesn't matter how little, do something, and build up), got reacquainted with my Piano (again, didn't even realise I'd neglected it until I looked back), in the process of starting own business (computer software), took my vegan cooking to the next level (I even have a spice rack now....and it has spice in it!!! lol).
On the TODO list: Learn Welsh (I am Welsh, but only know some), or learn French (always wanted to, will someday soon).
But most of all......I intend to be happy, regardless of whether I'm in a relationship or not.

Hope that helps somewhat.
The main thing is to do things for yourself.
Make yourself healthy; Physically, Emotionally and Mentally.
Make yourself your own project.
It has amazing rewards.

Right, I'm going now. 
Take care mate.

[BeautifulCrazy]

Simon,
Wow!!
That last post is amazing!!
And helpful!!
Even though my situation and my place in my journey are quite different from the original poster's, I still find a lot in it that is so useful and so encouraging.
I also admire how clearly and concisely it is expressed.
I am filled with gratitude for it. Thank you.

~BC

[paulmichael]

Simon,

Thanks again for such a detailed response and advice. Again, it is appreciated.

I am trying to focus on myself and rebuilding my life, but it's so tough without the person I've shared every moment with for seven years beside me and still reeling from the shock, suddenness and cruelness of it all.

As mentioned, I've stopped checking her social media and that's been hard but I guess it's helped protect my energy and mood to some degree. Looking on there only ever mad me sad at best and deeply hurt at worst by the complete and utter removal from her actions. Nevertheless, the mind does still wander to what is she doing now? Is she thinking of me at all? Are there any clues?

I find myself thinking about her much more than I'd like. When I'm doing things, I always almost fantasise her being with me/involved. It was shuck a shock when it all happened and so, so quickly.

I did/do suspect infidelity and that's probably only heightened with certain things that I've either seen or remembered now in hindsight. And that obviously cuts deep too.

There was a moment we were back in our old apartment following our breakup when she had come to collect an item. As she walking past me to leave, she let out a 'Sorrrrreeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee about all this' in an almost mocking/belittling tone. When I called it out, she remarked 'Oh here comes the anger stage'. Unbelievable lack of compassion.

It's really tough to comprehend this is the same person I spent seven mainly very happy years with and invested so much into her and her career and life and I guess that's why this is so tough to go through for all of us who have experienced something similar.

[Simon]

Hi Paul.

Seven years is a long time, and I can understand why it hurts so much.
And to see them go off and act like the time you spent together meant nothing is very painful isn't it.

Checking their social media is a common problem apparently.
It wasn't an issue for me, as I closed my YouTube channel many years ago, never had Facebook, and closed my Twitter account about 2 years ago I think (and it's bliss!), but I can see how it must be tempting.
But please don't check.
It will just keep you stuck, and slow down your recovery.

Your story about when she came over to get something, said sorry in a mocking tone, and then accused you of being angry really resonated with me.
It is a perfect example of how immature they are, stuck mentally as a toddler or child.

The experience you reminded me of was when my ex was having a go at me about something, stood by the TV, while I'm sat on the sofa.
It was over nothing as far as I can remember, again, but she kept on ramping it up as time went on.
I'm a very relaxed person, very easy going, and as this went on, I would logically point out what she was saying didn't make sense, or was irrelevant to what she was just talking about, etc, and this just made it worse.
It went on for about half hour, with me genuinely trying to figure out what this was about, so I could at least answer whatever her question was, and her getting louder and nastier as time went on.

Eventually, she hit a nerve, talking down about a parent I'd lost (something she'd always pretended to comfort me about in the past), and my reaction was to glare at her and raise my voice, telling her that she was out of order.
Immediately, her face changed from nasty, contorted anger it had been for the last 30 mins, to a concerned, innocent "butter wouldn't melt in her mouth" look, and she said to me in a calm voice "Woah. You need some anger management sessions!".
At the time I was gobsmacked. lol.
I just got up and said I'll call you tomorrow, and left (many, many, many text messages from her for the rest of the night, which I ignored, but when I read them the next day, they started off all apologetic, and steadily went all the way downhill to nasty and vicious.)
Did she apologise then next day?
Of course not. She acted like nothing had happened!

Looking back on that incident, I could see that she was trying to get a reaction out of me, because they get a kick out of it, and that telling me that I needed anger management for raising my voice after listening to pure venom for 30 mins was nothing more than projection.
It's clear that the anger management she was talking about was something that she had attended several times during her life I imagine.

You're definitely in a rough place right now Paul, and it seems like you still haven't come to terms with the fact that the "nice" person that you remember was actually a mask, and never existed.
This sounds harsh, but if she is definitely Personality Disordered, whether it's Borderline PD, Narcissistic PD, or Histrionic PD etc (any Cluster B), then this is a fact.
I have some great memories about my ex too, but I know that they didn't mean anything to her then, and they don't now.
They may act this way for different reasons depending on which PD or PDs they have, but the outcome is the same.
It's really important that you start to come to terms with that fact, so that you can start healing, otherwise you'll just keep making excuses for her behaviour.

You mention thinking "Is she thinking of me at all? Are there any clues?".
Well, if she's PD then no.
Out of sight, out of mind (no object constancy).
Is she missing you?
Sorry, but no.
She may miss things that you did for her, but not you.

I do want to stress that my comments are based on her being PD, or at least having enough of the traits.

A couple of books I highly recommend are Psychopath Free and Becoming the Narcissist's Nightmare.
Also, a few YouTube channels which should help you a great deal are Shrink4Men, A.J.Mahari, and DSD.
Hopefully these will help you understand how their minds work (or don't!), and you can start to heal properly by looking forward.

Oh, and @BeautifulCrazy, thanks for the comments.
That's very nice of you.

[paulmichael]

Again, Simon, I can't say thank you enough. This is all very, very helpful stuff - and I will check out the books and YouTube channels you've recommended.

And to see them go off and act like the time you spent together meant nothing is very painful isn't it.


Absolutely. This has been one of the hardest things to swallow. Less than 24 hours after we broke up, she was posting on social media.

In terms of where I am at right now, I do feel I have made progress forward - more than I ever thought I was capable of. Slow and steady baby steps. I was in such a bad place initially that my parents were concerned I might harm myself. That was never going to happen, but it broke my heart when they later told me that and just compounded the damage she'd done.

But I guess I am at a stage now whereby it just hits me now and then - the sense of loss, the sense of cruelty, the sense of how quickly it all happened. Sometimes I'll be triggered by objects or places we used to go and it's hard. Hard to associate those memories with someone who has treated me so horrifically badly.

The lockdown also reminds me of the time we spent together only one year ago when we appeared to get on so, so well during such an uncertain time. I think back to our routine then and how comfortable and secure it felt. I miss that greatly. I can't comprehend how that's vanished.

I'm sure many who are reading this thread will have their own experience of this but it's so, so tough to go it alone after being with someone for that amount of time. As I mentioned in the OP, she chucked a grenade and walked off leaving me to leave our old place, find somewhere new and somehow pick up the pieces in my life again.

How little she did with the old place post-break up is a scandal in itself - and it was her decision!!!

So I have this moments when I simply think to myself 'this is mad... we were so close... how has this happened?' but the PD gives an explanation and my therapist is adamant she is a covert narcissist based on all the details and descriptions I've been able to verbally provide during our sessions, including the 'love bombing' at the inception of our relationship.

For what it is worth, I have already resigned myself to the idea that she is not thinking about me. For a number of reasons really and I'm certain she is with the guy I suspected. In fact, when I was checking her social media, I noticed she kept repeatedly wearing the same necklace pendant in every single photo (of which there were many!). In our seven years the only time I'd know her to do that was when we first met and she bought some cheap costume jewellery jigsaw piece pendants for us to wear... After that passed, she hardly ever wore the same piece of jewellery twice.

When I questioned her about this guy during our break up she insisted she'd never met him. A few short weeks later she was donating a large amount to his "Movember" page while writing "the best person..." as part of her caption.

There are other things - clues, indicators - of there being someone else. I was really hung up on that in the early stages but I realised it was just deeply, deeply hurting me and not allowing me to move forward.

But I cannot get my head around how you'd jump from a seven year relationship into another one particularly with someone who I think is nine years her junior (not that age matters so much, but it adds to the oddness of all this for me).

That's why I believe it is a PD and it goes a long way to explaining a lot of things that have left me head scratching. I know categorically now she is a liar.

But I have to move forward somehow and I am gaining strength slowly, fractionally, and I can feel that, but it is just so tough and sometimes it's hard to draw on the strength and be positive.

[Simon]

Well, I wish you the best mate.
It's a long journey, which I'm still on too, and it does get easier.
As you say, baby steps.

Reading what you said about the lockdown, I can see what you mean.
You probably thought you were keeping each other safe, and creating a bond in such a strange time that would be the making of your relationship, and it is so hard to grasp that someone doesn't see and feel the same things as normal people.

My relationship with my ex ended about 6 weeks before the lockdown started here in the UK, but if it hadn't, and I'd gone through lockdown with her, I'd have struggled to come to terms with her not having bonded during that time too.
It boggles the mind.
I really don't think they're reachable under any circumstances.

Incidentally, the guy she went to immediately after discarding me, is probably thinking that they have a special bond coming through such a horrible time too.
He has no idea what he's about to go through, and although I don't feel sorry for him because I don't know how long he was encouraging her behaviour in the background while she was with me, I do feel sorry for his Mum, because I know her, and she has bad nerves, and I fear that seeing her son being worn away may be too much for her.
Very sad.
They just leave a trail of destruction behind them.

Hope those YouTube channels provide some comfort.
Tara from Shrink4Men pulls no punches, which is refreshing.
The guy from DSD went through a really bad divorce with a covert narc. I'd start with his old videos.
And A.J.Mahari is actually a "recovered" Borderline. She's very knowledgeable, but lately she is increasingly apologetic to Borderlines who are having treatment (I think they wore her down with abuse on her channel, so she keeps stating "Untreated" as a disclaimer). She is still very good though, and very honest about her own struggles.

Just want to finally say that although it may seem that I'm at the end of my journey to recovery to anyone reading my comments, and a month ago I'd have probably fooled myself into thinking that too, it's not quite true.
A few weeks ago, out of the blue, I suddenly thought to myself "I can't believe that means nothing to her anymore!".
It was a place we used to share, and I'm still not sure what triggered it, whether it was something on the TV or not.
It was fleeting, and I soon laughed at myself because I know why it means nothing to her, but it was a little punch to the gut.

Then, about a week ago, a sound from outside my window gave me a real emotional flashback, and I suddenly felt very anxious.
Like I've said before, I'm a very relaxed person, and apart from while I was with my Borderline, I've never been anxious in my life.
But that feeling was very real when I heard that sound, and took a few minutes for me to get it out of my system.
Very strange.

Like you said, baby steps.
Still so happy to be detached from them.
When you look at them in the cold light of day, they really aren't that special, and are quite off-putting actually.
I'm quite embarrassed that I let someone like that into my life. 

And I know what you mean about the other man.
Cheating has to be the biggest betrayal there is.

Glad your therapy is helping. 

[paulmichael]

Thanks mate.

Part of what I am struggling with - and I guess all of us here will, sadly, have had the same thoughts - is having to now view this person through the lens of who they've become and what damage they've caused, rather than looking at the person I believed I was in a loving, caring and committed relationship for for seven years.

Does that make sense? Like how do I go from adoring them to loathing them?

The memories are tough too because they are all good up until the end, give or take the odd disagreement over the years.

Even today I was out walking and ended up walking through a field I hadn't walked across since 2015 when I was heading home with her. The memory is so vivid and so it triggered me a bit.

And I know its labouring the point but I really don't understand or comprehend how you spend seven unbroken years with someone and then this where they act like they don't care about you. That's such a tough thing to process and leaves loads of unanswered questions.

Appreciate I'm labouring a couple of points here but it's just so tough. I want to find peace again and be me again and it's such a slow, sad process.

[BeautifulCrazy]

It really is difficult when you have invested and loved and cared so deeply....
For me it wasn't about switching from loving to loathing (even if that's what happened on the other side of the relationship)
but accepting that I am still allowed to care about them. (After all, I'm not the one with a PD.)
I can still look back with fondness and love, even though I don't want to be with him anymore because he was destroying me and I deserve better. I can still want good things for him, and hope for him to change. It's who I am. I like that about me.

One thing I'm not sure ever quite goes away though is that sense of not understanding, not having closure, not being able to get around the lack of empathy. That PD ability to just, pfffttt, move along to the next thing without a thought or a care. It hurts. It's impossible for me to comprehend how they can act like they don't care... I always have to remind myself...  They Don't. They really don't. I also have to remind myself that it's totally okay not to understand. If I understood, I would be PD too.

It is weird to think that all those years I was experiencing our relationship in a completely different way.
Sometimes I almost feel sorry for him, because, for a time anyway, I had something beautiful and deep and loving. All he had was the best arrangement of "things" he could get.

[Simon]

Yeah, I do know what you mean about going from loving to loathing them.

All of us here loved our partners, because we're normal and capable of it, but after the discard, even though I'd wanted out for ages, I did find myself hating her.
And yes, it was mainly down to how easy it was for her to move on, and how little everything meant to her in the end.

My thoughts on her continue to change quite regularly, pitying her one moment, because she will repeat this with every partner for the rest of her life, to being angry with her the next, even though I know it's a mental deficit that makes her act this way.

And I agree about how the memories can be quite painful.
But I always got the feeling that people, places, moments etc, didn't get through to her.
It's hard to explain what I mean by that, and I don't know if your partner gave off this same vibe, but a lot of the time, even when they really should be enjoying the experience, whatever it is, there's like this disconnect.
I know the clinical term is dissociation, and I presume that's what it is, but from my side it was as if they're going through the motions, quite bemused at how everyone was enjoying themselves, never really joining in, just pretending to.
I don't have memories where I can say for sure she wasn't behaving this way to some degree.
Maybe it's a control thing, or maybe they're busy plotting or sizing people up. I don't know.

Like BC says, it's like we'll never fully understand how they can act the way they do, being able to leave people so easy, attach to others so quickly afterwards, and then start all over again.
We're not capable of behaving that way, so we project our values onto them, fooling ourselves into thinking they are rational beings, with compassion and respect.
Like I said in my previous post, something triggered me recently, and I found myself thinking "I can't believe she could do that". lol

BC said: It is weird to think that all those years I was experiencing our relationship in a completely different way.

You know, that comment hits the nail on the head.
Two different relationships wrapped up into one.

I think a lot of the time, we are upset and angry with ourselves for allowing something that was clearly a mismatch to go as far as it did.
The signs were there all along, but we chose to ignore them.
And even after it's over, we still find ourselves making excuses for them occasionally.

One thing that I don't think I've mentioned on here.
On the day I first asked her out, during that day, two different people warned me not to go out with her, at different times of the day.
They both knew her, hardly knew me, had heard I'd asked her out, and warned me.
I wish they'd given me specifics, but they didn't (just said she had issues!), but I think that's why I'm coping with it a bit better than some people do.
I mean, I can only blame myself, right?
I was warned!

Oh, if I could go back to that day, I think I'd boot up Skyrim for a few hours instead, and scoff a few Pringles while I'm at it (anyone fancy a Pringle?  ).
Who knows who I'd be with now if I had.

Paul, I know it's tough. It really is.
But that just shows you're normal.
And you will find peace again.
And it is slow, and sad, but for me, the peace sort of crept up on me.
It was hard going for a few months, getting better slowly, and then suddenly, I'd realised I hadn't really given her much thought for a few days.
At that point, life really does start to open up again, and it won't be long before you really start to value yourself again.
Keep at it.

We're always here for a chat if you need it. 

[paulmichael]

Thanks again Simon and BC.

And yes, I know you guys are here to support - and likewise me to anyone who feels they need it or that my experiences can help in anyway - that's what is so great about a place like this and what drew me to it.

I can promise the messages - the detail and the thought and the feeling and encouragement that go into them - are very, very appreciated by me, so a huge thank you 

I don't know if your partner gave off this same vibe, but a lot of the time, even when they really should be enjoying the experience, whatever it is, there's like this disconnect.

This comment resonated but my partner was a bit different. In her case, I always felt she had no sentimentality. So like, the places we first visited together and so on and other memories. Guess I've been proven right about it.

I mentioned in an earlier post about her degrading 'sorrrreeeeeeeeee' remark as she was leaving our old place post-break up after coming to collect something.

I asked her that night to take a look around at our home that we'd built together and whether she really felt that was worth throwing away in such a reckless, swift fashion. There just happened to be some old cards we'd kept that we'd given to each other on the table and I said to her read one as during her gaslighting she'd claimed our relationship had been "toxic"...  It hadn't until she began her discard.

Anyway she replied something like 'what good is it going to do me looking at old cards or looking around this place? I need to move on and start my new life with new friends...'

And then she left and that's the last time we've ever spoken verbally.

For me our apartment held huge significance and sentimental value as it was ours - our safe space, our home - and even now I really, really struggle with not living there and the memories of the past. For her, well her final act was to post keys through the letter box and walk away...

I guess this all ties in with what you guys are saying: we project our own values upon them, but they are simply not capable of understanding them because they have an illness.

One of the most downright disrespectful and shameful things she did actually regarded the old apartment. Given it was her decision to leave and discard, she did nothing around the sorting out and removal of items or the admin apart from come to collect her stuff bit by bit. She has no idea what the final report said and how much deposit was reclaimed because we haven't spoken since before the keys went back. I find that absolutely staggering and appalling.

Crazy how people can behave in this way and still sleep at night, really is.