Codependency & Friendships

[blacksheep7]

Hi all,
I wanted to add what this relationship taught me once again. 

I'm letting a friend go - breaking the pattern  I responded  with my story that I was living:

I'm glad to have come upon this post and that you have made significant changes  which  I am dealing with at the moment.
Breaking a pattern, lowering my contact with my bff of 30+yrs.  We met at work in the big city and she moved back to her home town while expecting her second child due to her partner cheating on her and this man was Never involved with their two boys
She remained single while bringing up her boys alone. Her parents deceased when she was 20 and her upbringing with an alcoholic father gave us this extra tight bond, always calling each other when in relationship crisis since my N parents were emotionally unavailable and did not rely on them for help never discussing my issues of any kind, had in the past and got burned!

I have been to therapy and 12 step meetings on and off when needed.  On the other hand she has not and all of her siblings have suffered terribly of alcoholism and/or depression, two dead and one hospitalized in a long term care facility.

Fastforward, she has been with the present partner for approx 15 yrs, a man that has to be medicated for a mental illness and is very hyperactive and codependent, lives on auto-pilot with little to no self-awarness so my bff picks up after him constantly. The last two years he had not taken his meds regulary, would go off them so she would call serval times a day.   This man also has very unhealthy relationships with his two kids, especially the youngest 30 which probably suffers from depression, has no friends, can not keep a job (just like the father) calls him daily, sometimes  5x a day. He is not on med, self-medicates with cannabis.  It's sad, they remain  in «their normal».

My bff's partner  would send me funny posts  on Messenger trying to be my friend.  I wouldn't respond, then blocked him.

I'll make this short, she is stuck in a trama bond with him but is unable to see that his «niceness» is small as is his empathy.  I had many red flags when she would talk to me like when in winter he wouldn't clean the steps of snow, when she had  a torn ligament.
She has a toxic enmeshed relationship with her eldest  30 yr  dependent son calling every day and the last two yrs she has now a nephew added that she took care of, lending him money   Mother Teresa here.   

Right now she has been on sick leave for three months because of the toxic  work enviroment  where she was pushed aside which I won't get into.  She is in therapy right now but did not talk about her dependent foc to get insurance from the employer.

She suffers deeply from codependency and I have been telling her that this is an occasion and time to grow., to look into that need of having touch with them daily/if they don't call for 2 days, she will...this need to feel alive, fill her emptiness, love.  She had an open mind with me  about putting some boundaries in place which she did.  She has not  greived and healed her wounds.

Believe me, I feel sorry for her, have had much empathy but after two years and going through problems of my own, working really hard at it, I am now worn out listening to these circular convos about her codependcy that haven't changed telling me that her nephew owes her money, Again....same old story, stuck in a rut. 
She hasn't called me in three days because I told her that she had to change or she will get burned again and again. I suggested the book codependent no more. To look into her  shame, guilt & obligation, her fear of being alone and not accept these unhealthy demands and expections from them.

I fell into the codependcy with her.  I am letting her stew a bit and will call her maybe later this afternoon.

If you've read so far, thank you for letting me vent.  Any comments are always welcome

Today's topic

I just wanted to add that I took three days off, not calling her going, LC because I was deep in codependency and got the compassion fatique after listening to her emotional states, breakdowns with an unpredictable partner and his mood swings.

I thought I was being a good friend but it got to me.   

I realized that codependency snuck up on me again, caretaking.   In my irrational thoughts I thought, it's a friend, not a FOO but I had not realized how stuck she was in it herself and took me along.  I was not aware of the enmeshement involved with her sons and foc. This only happened since covid , never went back to work because of depression so I spoke with her everyday, sometimes twice.

I was also alone with no Foo and I let my kids have their life.  I lost many superficial friendships which I myself ended voluntarily, the narcissistic ones..... so she was welcoming, listening to my rants also while I was healing. 

I let a red flag pass me by when she started calling daily and she knew how I was so against that form of dependency. We were both alone and suffering.

I realized that we were not on the same in level understanding on dysfunction, ( alcoholic parent my bff) childhoodabuse etc. I 30 yrs behind me and she on the otherhand was going to therapy for the first time.   I did not expect her to have pure enmeshment with her eldest, she had to make him feel better, fill his emptiness that his PD father left in him.

I Reacted instead of Responding when I had had enough with her circural convos remaining in the drama.  I let it drag out toooooooo long.  My mistake  

I Absorded instead of Observing

We talked this morning without judgement. I had an  honest conversation about how much I can listen to without being impartial and T would be the best thing for her.  I just removed myself from my foo because of the drama and the unwillingness of any change in their patterns, just making Appearances more important.

I am still vulnerable but moving forward.

[Lookin 2 B Free]

I hope you can bring gentleness and compassion to yourself in this time of reflection, Black sheep. You deserve that.  I have many yrs of T & 12 Step and I still go off the rails plenty....at times I don't practice certain aspects of it at all.  "Progress, not perfection."

Yeah, a friend who expects daily contact would feel like enmeshment (and a burden) to me, except in some short-term, extraordinary circumstance.  (Like the death of a family member.)   

Another thing which feels, to me, like an unhealthy dynamic is someone who expects me to be the one to reach out, like they're a victim and it's my job to contact & rescue them.  Unless they're somehow unable,  I feel they can take responsibility for themselves to call when they need or want to, and so can I.   To me, that's part of equality in a relationship.

I see having someone's ear there to listen to your ongoing drama of dysfunctional relationships as a big payoff which helps enable a person to stay a little more comfortable in their unhealthy cycle.  I've experienced both sides of this in my life.  I don't even feel like it's "support" anymore.  To me, the more difficult, healthier, more helpful thing to do is directly tell someone my feelings about hearing the same victim stories over and over with no movement to change it -- how that affects me -- and set any boundaries I want to.   Way, way easier said than done.  But that's my aspiration, to have that kind of honesty in my relationships . . . with love, of course.

Lastly, this was good for me to read.  Until last year,  I was your friend . . . . cycling in an unhealthy relationship year after year -- EXCEPT I already had all the tools and info to know better.  And also, I didn't bother my friends or anyone else complaining about it.  I didn't want to worry or bore them with it.  Even then, the relationship was isolating bc his disorder made my friends & family not want to be around him, which often kept them away from me, too. 

Thanks for the reminder of why leaving was a good thing for me.  I sometimes forget.

It sounds like you're doing really good work for yourself.  That's encouraging for all of us.  Thanks for sharing it!

[blacksheep7]

I hope you can bring gentleness and compassion to yourself in this time of reflection, Black sheep. You deserve that.  I have many yrs of T & 12 Step and I still go off the rails plenty....at times I don't practice certain aspects of it at all.  "Progress, not perfection."

Yeah, a friend who expects daily contact would feel like enmeshment (and a burden) to me, except in some short-term, extraordinary circumstance.  (Like the death of a family member.)   

Another thing which feels, to me, like an unhealthy dynamic is someone who expects me to be the one to reach out, like they're a victim and it's my job to contact & rescue them.  Unless they're somehow unable,  I feel they can take responsibility for themselves to call when they need or want to, and so can I.   To me, that's part of equality in a relationship.

I see having someone's ear there to listen to your ongoing drama of dysfunctional relationships as a big payoff which helps enable a person to stay a little more comfortable in their unhealthy cycle.  I've experienced both sides of this in my life.  I don't even feel like it's "support" anymore.  To me, the more difficult, healthier, more helpful thing to do is directly tell someone my feelings about hearing the same victim stories over and over with no movement to change it -- how that affects me -- and set any boundaries I want to.   Way, way easier said than done.  But that's my aspiration, to have that kind of honesty in my relationships . . . with love, of course.

Lastly, this was good for me to read.  Until last year,  I was your friend . . . . cycling in an unhealthy relationship year after year -- EXCEPT I already had all the tools and info to know better.  And also, I didn't bother my friends or anyone else complaining about it.  I didn't want to worry or bore them with it.  Even then, the relationship was isolating bc his disorder made my friends & family not want to be around him, which often kept them away from me, too. 

Thanks for the reminder of why leaving was a good thing for me.  I sometimes forget.

It sounds like you're doing really good work for yourself.  That's encouraging for all of us.  Thanks for sharing it!

Lookin 2 B Free, thank you for your kind words!   I laughed and was able to see the lighter side of it all when I read that you go off the rails sometimes.

I know I tend to be hard on myself at times.

You have a good point that the person listening  to our issues after a long period of time only enables them to stay in victim mode.