finances

[losingmyself]

I was listening to Kris Godinez yesterday and the topic was financial abuse. It's a weird lightbulb moment when you recognize your situation in something you hear.
She said that they spend money carelessly in order to keep us in a state of being broke, so we don't feel financially stable so we can't leave.
Wow! My H will spend any money we get as fast as he can. The other day I made some money selling things I made. I had him carry it because he has a wallet and I don't carry anything. I was hoping to get a pair of shoes for work, much needed. I told him this. Or we could have paid a bill in cash.
By noon yesterday he spent more than half of it. Not even enough left for shoes. Then he needed cigarettes, so there's another big chunk out.
I was so angry and resentful about this! I worked and made that money! It was a huge mistake to let him carry the money, and that won't happen again. If I can make more, which is going to be a challenge.
I'm just so hurt, and you know I can't tell him.
Like, he has the right to anything I make, more than I do.
Also, he's still not working, because of surgery, so his workman's comp pays 70% of his wages. So I'm struggling to pay bills. This money was a well deserved treat for me.
And its gone

[11JB68]

I struggle with this but in a much more subtle/covert way.
updH used to make more than me. Also there is a false narrative that I am 'bad' with money and he is a financial (genius? expert?)
So - in our marriage any money issues he is 'the boss'/in charge
Also - though we each have our own bank account I bought into it's a marriage/partnership/OUR money - early on while I was DEEP in the FOG
For the past 15 or so years he has made very little and my career has advanced and I now make more than him.
He is NOT a shopper/spender. Yet, I am on an 'allowance' - weekly cash that must pay for ALL household/personal expenses (including yes his cigarettes which account for 30% of my weekly cash (well now 26% or 24% with a new contribution from DS) I have to ask for anything above this weekly amount and am made to feel I need to justify it.
Yet, he does not spend/shop/gamble/drink/go out etc. and it's all under this guise of 'one of us has to be careful/say no/ watch the budget' etc or we'd 'be broke'/bankrupt etc.

[Prototypian]

Losing myself, I'm so sorry.  That's just not right.  It made me feel.bad.   I wish I could send you some shoes.  That's terrible.

[losingmyself]

thanks everybody.
Well, I don't know if he had an introspective moment, but he told me to go get my shoes. Maybe he realized how messed up it was that he spent the money that I earned, or if it was more like "If I don't LET her buy the shoes, I'm never going to hear the end of it" Which is the opposite of what would happen. I don't complain. What would be the point.
I am fairly certain it was the latter. I don't think there was any guilt there.
But anyway, I got my shoes.
Oh, thank you thank you for allowing me.
I have more things to sell, and that money is going straight to bills.

[clara]

I think it goes beyond keeping us in a state of insecurity--it also reinforces their attitude that everything and anything belongs to them, first and foremost.  Your needs are never as great as theirs, if they even acknowledge that you have needs! 

My uNPDexh used me as a cash register, while he worked only if and when he wanted, and so often I would watch money I earned being used up for his various "hobbies."  As a result, we always had next to nothing, and it was always a financial struggle because he just didn't care as long as his needs were being met.  And I went along with trying to meet those needs because if I didn't, he'd start making noises about how I wasn't a good enough wife for him, maybe we should split up, etc.  And this terrorized me, because I didn't think I could make it on my own, without him.

Until one day I got fed up.  He drained our account for another of his foolish purchases, so the next time I got a paycheck I took it to the bank and opened an account in my name.  When i told him, he said nothing, because he assumed I would continue to help him out when he asked.  Which, of course, I did.  Until I didn't.  Instead, I took what little money I had and left, because I figured if I was going to be broke all the time, I'd rather be broke on my own terms and not because of him.  I felt that on my own I had a future, which I no longer felt I had with him.

[11JB68]

LM, this just reminds me so much of my dynamic with my Updh.
First, the idea that he is now'giving you permission' to buy something you need, as if he's giving you a gift.
And, where is the money coming from? Is he giving you money to buy the shoes? He spent your shoe money... Is he giving you permission to spend more of your money?

[Cascade]

My husband has been good at working full time, for which I'm very thankful,  but he's also kept us broke for most of our marriage. I opened my own bank account years ago and I've never regretted it! Our finances are in better shape now but my husband can spend so much so fast, that the little he has saved could be gone in a few months. He spends more every fall, I don't know why but he does.

[SparkStillLit]

The keeping us broke is SO FAMILIAR! I would never ever have seen this pattern if not for this forum. Always keeping us on the edge. Whenever we get to "good", something happens. Lately he's quit jobs. Before that, when he was self employed, I don't remember what but it was simething. When he quits, he doesn't have other jobs lined up, and he always does the same thing. He doesn't apply for new jobs or do anything at all that I can see, he just keeps burning through our money to the very last dime and then these last times things ended up happening and he got jobs from people he knew. I knew the pattern of doing nothing and burning through money now, but not the keep us broke one. I just wouldn't have seen it.

[losingmyself]

11JB68, so this is what the situation is.. our finances are always tight. We did have enough money in the bank to buy my shoes, but I would have rather not spent that money on my shoes. I made money so that we didn't have to use the bank money, it was 'extra'. Now, I will probably regret buying them because we won't have enough to pay a bill. In fact, now, I would catch up on a bill if I hadn't spent that money. I think that when I make more, I'll just put it in the bank to make up for taking it out.
So, yeah, he 'gave me permission' to buy the shoes, since it came out of our account. I don't know if you remember me mentioning this earlier, but he's totally against me buy shoes, because he thinks I have too many. Most of which are probably more than ten years old. This is a punishment he's imposing on me because his ex had a lot of shoes.
So now he has something to hold over my head if I should mention a lack of funds.