Please dont judge, not sure if its him or me.

[Dollydrops]

Hi, I've searched everywhere for somewhere I can tell some of  my story and ask for answers/ advice.
I dont know how I got into this but I'm in an emotional affair with a person I had an affair with starting ten years ago.
Married young to a very controlling man, but ironically only realised what it was since getting involved with this other person. Cliche I know but I thought I'd met my soulmate and would have left everything for him.
Not my type at first and certainly not something I would ever consider doing before him.
He pursued me with such obsessive behaviour that during a very vulnerable time with no support at home I was quickly hooked....and obsessed with him. I kept thinking slow down but was swept away with all the good bits. His contact was constant and the love bombing was overbearing. Everything I liked he liked, all my phrases he took on board, he would answer questions for me. Once it became official he started to say odd things. He would get me mixed up with someone else and I often saw him flirting with someone else. I was so deeply into him that I kept telling myself I was imagining things. I didnt want to believe it.
Over the course of 5 years his words would change from constant adoration to talking like I was just a friend. When I found out he was also seeing the other one on confronting him he turned it round on me. Not with admittance but not with denial either...but it was my fault because he said ' you are a goddess and I thought you was messing me around'....I spent my time trying to prove otherwise and stayed in this but he would often call me and talk to me like I was someone else with many references to the orher woman. I never knew if he was purposely pushing my buttons or was actually calling the wrong person by mistake. Needless to say I spent the whole time hooked but confused, hurting but didnt feel I could say anything, I was always scared he would back away again. I couldn't bear to lose all the good bits..and by then was in so deep that I can only describe it as an addiction.  My head had been in turmoil for most of it, always feeling off that he was confusing me with someone else but trying to tell myself I was wrong. The constant contact from him was always obsessive and very habitual so much so that if he didnt contact me I would be paranoid about why. He had a way of being obsessive for a few months and then changing to contact only every 3 days. Then back again. I kept trying to discuss ending it but he would bombard me begging me to stay as he couldnt live without me.
After 5 years of this and both families finding out I forced myself to end it but felt like I'd been ripped in half. I had therapy for over a year but nothing helped. I couldnt get him out of my head, but did manage to carry on a normal life to a degree.
Then 2 years later after a chance meeting he contacted me asking to talk. He'd missed me badly.
I'm two years into this again 'emotionally only' and his contact was exactly the same...obsessive. always leading me to believe it will move on to more, always leaving me feeling like I've been dangled a carrot.
Then recently the contact went back to every 3 days again..and I'm ashamed to say its ended up with me initiating contact when it's always been him before.
I know this is wrong. I never would have seen myself doing this before him. I'm spending my whole time knowing it's wrong but waiting for something which I know is toxic.
I've researched his behaviour for years but its mine I'm questioning now because I feel somethings wrong with me that I'm up and down, high then low. But always waiting for his contact. I've never been like this with anyone before.
I have a professional job and I know I'm very empathetic but dont usually suffer fools lightly.
Any insight would be great even if you yell at me.

[Lillith65]

Hi Dolly,

I understand. I experienced something similar. I was married when I met someone new. I left my marriage to move in him and lost almost everything as a result. I was obsessed with him and felt that I had lost my mind. He quickly became very emotionally abusive and I kept excusing it as a result of his genius (he used to be a world renowned mathematician) and his Aspergers. I understood later that he is a covert narcissist with schizoid traits. No matter how he treated me I could not leave him and even now, after horrific abuse during our break up I wonder what I would do if he contacted me. Fortunately I am back with my husband and I know that I could not hurt him again so even if I wanted to I couldn't leave again. But for that......who knows.

Like you, I was extremely vulnerable and had had a shocking year when my ex met me. Immediately after our break up which was deeply traumatic and meant that I lost everything again, I read an enormous amount about men with NPD and about codependency. I am convinced that men like him and the man you describe seek out vulnerable women to use and exploit. Our pain and suffering is fuel for them. Henry Tudor (a controversial character) is very open about the behaviour of psychopaths and narcissists (there is some overlap) and has a website where I recognised so much of my ex's behaviour.

In addition I read about the trauma bond which I undoubtedly experienced and I suspect you also have with this man. In brief we continue a relationship with someone who abuses us because they also comfort us and provide pleasure. It is a type of addiction. It starts with love bombing, then the abuse begins with intermittent and unpredictable returns to loving behaviour. People who have had traumatic childhoods are particularly vulnerable as this pattern often mirrors our experience with a parent. The trauma bond explains why people may stay with their abuser and if they leave or are left they yearn for them. Abused young children love their parents and if asked will say that they want to stay with them. This pattern continues into adulthood and some of us get caught again.

Along with this I discovered that I was codependent and my sense of self esteem was based on meeting other peoples' needs. Codependency also meant that I often thought that I knew what was best for others and that my role was to fix things - even if they were adults. I read a lot about that too and now understand (most of the time) that other people are responsible for their feelings and behaviour and it is not my role to fix them.

This site has helped me a great deal with the personality disordered people in my life -I grew up with both parents having PDs and although I am not saying that this man has a PD, it may help you to gain some perspective and learn some useful tools too.

[guitarman]

Welcome. You are not alone.

I follow the author and counsellor Kris Godinez on her YouTube channel called "We Need To Talk with Kris Godinez". She specialises in Narcissistic Abuse Syndrome and how targets of abuse can cope better. She gives live talks most Sundays.

She often talks about people who find it difficult to leave abusive relationships. She talks about "periods of intermittent positive rewards". That is when the abuser is calm and stable, when they can be wonderful. The target of abuse can get hooked on these times because that is when their body releases the feel good hormones. The abuser can become like a drug pusher. They can take the drug away, any time they like by leaving or being abusive. It is the target of abuse that can get hooked and crave the feel good hormones to return again, waiting and wanting the good times to come back. It is a powerful addiction.

That explains a lot for me. I never thought of the person I now call my abuser as a drug pusher but it seems to fit my behaviour, craving the great times and good behaviour.

Another person I follow on YouTube is Doctor Ramani. She talks about narcissism. You may find her talks interesting to you as well.

Please don't minimise what you have experienced or make excuses justifying their behaviour.

[Dollydrops]

Thank you for replying.
In the past year ges moved me from normal texts to an online gaming app to chat.every day and night. Then suddenly he wasnt there at night and I couldnt sleep. Then he lost a parent 4 months ago and apart from the odd goodnight msg it's been me initiating because he dropped his grief on me which left me bereft. I've been through so many emotions its unreal.

[guitarman]

It seems like you need to set clear, firm boundaries and keep to them. I know it's not easy. You don't have to tell him if you don't want to. They are your boundaries.

What do you want to do? Do you still want to be in contact with him or not?

Bereavement is awful. I know I am going through that as well. If you don't want to be in contact with him there are bereavement services he can contact, or his other friends and family. It's not your problem to solve. Those are his issues to deal with. That may sound harsh but it's the reality of the situation.

Become a lighthouse, not a lifeboat.

If it wasn't the bereavement there would be something else to address that he would be contacting you for. It will never end unless you are clear in your mind what you want and act upon it.

If you still want to be in contact and the messaging is getting too much let him know. Set a limit to how often you contact him and stick with it. It's OK to do that. It seems that you need a break from the messaging. If he says he wants to do more then you can calmly say "No, that doesn't work for me". You don't have to JADE that is justify, argue, defend or explain yourself.

You have choices. Perhaps you don't realise that you do. It's up to you what you want to do, no one else. You are in control.

[Dollydrops]

The problem is with me, he initiated obsessive contact for 2 years but it's been me initiating for the past 4 months. He sends me a goodnight sweet dreams every few weeks but does reply to me as well. Tells me hes thinking of me constantly and cant wait to see me. Then nothing until I reach out to him again. I'm finding it very hard not to msg him as I'm feeling all this pain for him.

[veritas]

No judgement here. We have all made mistakes and to me its the mark of being a healthy individual when we have the ability to know we have made mistakes, admit them and even feel guilt. No one is perfect and never will be. This is something that along the line of my 50 years I finally learned. My ex-husband cheated on me and I was young and inexperienced. On top of the hurt at the betrayal I put him and his mistress in a place where only evil goes (this place being in my mind and heart). I do believe me not knowing that others do make mistakes prevented me from moving on from the pain for a long time. I slowed my own progress down due to my inexperience. In the end if you look at everything black and white, deception is wrong, however that does not take into account that life is not black and white. Life is a muddled gray, or even yuck green at times.

Give yourself a little breathing room to not beat yourself too much about cheating but also look at the bigger picture in regards to your well being. I know it is extremely difficult to part with someone you care about or who has you intoxicated but in the end the person that needs to come first is YOU. Try to put how great it feels to be with him at times aside and see if its worth your mental and emotional health. I know all too well about a person who love bombs you (my current boyfriend) then treats you coldly only to find out he is reaching out to other women. Guard your heart as much as you can with information about people like this and if you must some day leave without any regrets if that is what is best for you. I am not one to tell someone to just up and pick up and leave because I know life is complicated and even more so with our emotions. The best you can do is go in with eyes wide open and be willing to adjust if necessary.