How do you deal with " you should " from uNMom

[Sheppane]

Hi everyone
So im wondering what the response to the " shoulds" is. The balanced, respectful reply which doesn't put me into the ring.
I'm trying to think of a way to respond which keeps me safe and out of enmeshment/ out of the boxing ring.
Mom who is very controlling wishes all us siblings to get along. I have a difficult relationship with one of my siblings and am learning to establish an internal boundary that I don't continually reach out to someone who never reaches out to me. I am aware of my part in this,  reaching out to gain the approval of the wider family, and equally the difficulty I have in maintaining this boundary as I usually crash under the weight of fear obligation and guilt. Part of my journey has been to understand that I am not responsible for the feelings of another adult,  nor do I have to do their thinking for them or anticipate their needs. This is a message that I grew up with,  feeling responsible for the needs of others. This sibling in question in my experience feels entitled to me, in the sense that there is no reciprocity. If I dont call,  I hear nothing in return and am often met with quiet disapproval when I do make contact after a break.

However what is happening now is Mom is picking up on this and in every conversation slips in " have you been in contact with X ?" ( already knowing the answer). I often reply yes a few wks back but I have heard nothing from them since ( to make the point that relationships are 2 way ). But it us always always my fault. The other evening she slipped in " well you should contact her as things are difficult for her right now ".  An expectation,  but really a demand. And of course a disregard for my needs.  Always some situation or personal circumstance which is worse than everyone elses and used to reel me back in out of a sense of obligation. I'm a pawn. But the compassionate side of me then questions whether I am right to hold these boundaries, especially if the circumstances are difficult.
I am reminding myself that others who, like me, are adults are responsible for themselves. I do not have to give my energy over to someone who does not give it back in equal measure. But it's a slippery place to stand. I know I can still feel compassion but I need to keep myself safe also.

What's the response to Mom ? " yeah well as you know Mom I do keep in contact,  but I often don't hear back " ( invites her to step in further...seems not a wise option)
"Yeah well of course I keep in contact,  you dont need to worry about that " ? Not sure about this either.
Looking for some MC type response but can't nail it !
Suggestions / experience welcome !

[Blueberry Pancakes]

The "should" statement seems so passive aggressive. I agree that it reveals an expectation and expresses a demand for you to perform. I think it is good that you recognize it. This is not a reflection of anything you are lacking.
     
For some reason, such siblings tend to always have some new difficulty or crisis whereby they drag others into it. I wonder if you noticed when you had similar life challenges, maybe even to a larger degree, you never needed to pull others in and just handled things on your own without fanfare. You are not required to drop your boundary to offer support. I  believe everyone has the tools to manage thier own life - it is their choice whether they cultivate and use them. Either way, it is not your circus.

As for replies that do not JADE, you could just say one word "yes" when asked if you spoke to your sibling recently. You do not need to give a timeframe or say what was discussed. Not much they can do with "yes". When you hear "XXX is going through a difficult time, you really should call" you can reply "I'll think about that", or "I'll be hoping she works it out" or "I'll call when it is a good time for me".  These replies followed with an immediate change of subject have had some degree of success with my mom. At times my mom has gotten frustated and hung up on me, but it keeps me from being pulled in. Above all, you matter and it is alright to stay removed from this. 

 

[Penny Lane]

"Thanks, I'll think about that" (and then don't do it). Or maybe something like "yeah maybe." Or even "good idea" (but with no promise of action.) Bonus points if you can throw in an immediate subject change.

Not a cure-all as sometime they'll follow up. But it can hopefully get you out of the conversation in the moment. There's not much to argue with there.

[SunnyMeadow]

I do the "oh you could be right about that" or "hmm, maybe I should" all while appearing to contemplate her wisdom.

[Lisa]

I also receive similar messages from my Mom and I know I am not the only sibling who hears this.
Being on the receiving end of my Mom's meddling has lead me to some perspective when she tells me I should call a siblings who's going through a hard time.
Here's an example:
While talking to my Mom I shared a few details of things keeping me busy, I was totally OK and was managing my stress well (I thought I was just making conversation).
I received a text from a sibling the same day who I do not talk to that much asking me if I was ok and that she is there for me if I ever need to talk.  I knew my Mom had called that sibling and created some sort of story about me being in a bad way.  It's just creating drama.

Now when I hear my Mom "shoulding me" I remind myself of my own experience and it helps to calm my guilty emotions of not doing "what I should be doing".

[Andeza]

This is all great advice, a brief reply with no explanation and an immediate subject change. I just want you encourage you to remember this: Every time she says "you should" she is presuming that she knows how to live your life better than you do. She has not couched the suggestion in a kind "I think so and so would appreciate a call from you when you have a free moment" (which is still being something other than completely normal because the phone does work both ways) because she has straight up told you that "you should" do X because she says so.

I heard "you should" or with our local dialect it was more "you be" X statements all the time from my uBPDm. I usually gave a very flippant "Nothing to worry about, mom" and changed the subject. If she revisited, I restated "I've got this!" in a super overly-enthusiastic manner that she never knew how to react to, or something else vague and unsatisfying to her. I will decide, with copious amounts of research often involving 60+ hours of detailed searching, video watching, and article reading, what is the best course of action for me. I don't have siblings, so cannot draw an exact comparison, but had to hear similar "you should" call so and so statements all the time. I was working 60+ hours a week and was pregnant at the time. I ignored her suggestions. I did not have enough hours in the day to drive to work, work, drive home, eat dinner, shower, and go straight to bed and still get eight hours, let alone spend an hour plus on the phone with some distant relative that had never called me, ever. If they want to know what's up, I figure they'll call. Because that's what normal, non-pd people do....

I highly recommend you do what I had to do in my college speech classes as homework. (Feels like ages ago, ha!) Practice what you're going to say, and how you're going to say it, in front of the mirror a couple of times a day. Just maybe two or three times as you're getting ready in the morning. It'll boost your confidence and let you be smooth! You got this!

[Sheppane]

Thank you all so much for your replies.
Blueberry pancake I had not really th ought of "should" of itself being a PA choice of words so thank you for pointing that out. I feel really heard and also am grateful of the reminder that it is ok to stay removed from this.
Thank you all for the thoughtful responses and phrases , I will try these out ! Lisa I identify with that experience you describe, and the need for Mom to create drama and coordinate / manage the whole show. What a powerful feeling that must be!
Andeza , that is super helpful to be reminded that when I am being " told" how to behave the implication is that I have no knowledge of how to behave myself,  which is very patronizing and I can see it is an attempt to control my behaviour ( as I would not know what's best/ can't be trusted / because what I do is never either the " right" thing , or " enough"). And yes funny how I " allow" different behaviour in this instance. Constantly calling people who never call me and they reel me in, on demand to meet their expectations and what the next thing THEY have decided that someone else in the family needs from me. It is so hard this stuff . It feels like lose / lose a lot of the time.