Is this the wrong approach?

[Associate of Daniel]

It's nearly 8 years since uNPD exH left.

My "love recovery" has been quite a long journey but I'm thankful to say I've reached a point of contentment. I'm interested in remarriage but also quite ok with being single.

I've been thinking lately about "deal breakers", should the opportunity to start another relationship arise.

I have a few deal breakers and I want to get your thoughts on 2 of them.

I have a ds who is nearly 14.  He is dealing with a very toxic uNPD smother and his emotionally unavailable uNPD father.

My thinking is that if a relationship opportunity arises for me before ds becomes independent and managing his own life, my partner would

1:  have to have a good relationship with my ds and

2:  understand that my ds comes first in my life. (After God) He'd have to accept that, because of the nature of the pds, I often have to make decisions that go against what's considered "fair" or "normal" in order to protect ds.

I think you know what I mean.

I know many people would say that I'd be sacrificing too much. That I'd regret not taking the oportunities etc.

What do you think?  Am I being unrealistic? Are those "deal breakers" wrong?

AOD

[GettingOOTF]

Everyone is entitled to their own deal breakers. We have learned this the hard way and they are certainly hard won.

I don’t have a long list of deal breakers but I’m very firm on them. I have left dates when it’s become clear someone has one of them.

Not everyone would agree with mine but not everyone has had the experiences I have.

I’m sure some of the men I turned down who had my deal breakers were perfectly nice and would make someone a good partner but that’s not a risk I’m prepared to take.

[Wilderhearts]

It's really good that you've put time into not only the "red flags," but the positives that are absolutely necessary to benefit you and DS.

Similar to what GTOOF said, you get to set your own priorities, no matter what they are.

It sounds like it would be really valuable to you to have a partner's support in your parenting decisions, which necessitates understanding some of your situation.

When my nonM started dating again, we never actually met anyone she was dating, and that was ok.  I think it had to be a pretty certain thing before she'd be willing to let them meet us.

You could look at "musts" and "deal-breakers" for different stages of the relationship - perhaps there are some steps before he gets to the stage where he's forming a relationship with DS, and some important "screening criteria."

[SparkStillLit]

I think you folk are pretty brave! I also think my list would be a mile long. I'm still here with my oar in with updh, but I figure if anything happens, I am DONE, I don't trust my "picker" and I don't trust others, and I feel like solitude would be so, so blessed after all these long years.

I can't really imagine what it's like. Sometimes I try to, and I try to imagine dating or whatever, and then I imagine that I'd freak out because HOW DO YOU KNOW, lol. I mean, you can just get rid of them, but still. I'm a ninny about even the very thought of letting anyone near me! Both mentally and physically.

For the record, I figure you can add all the freaking deal breakers and criteria you want. You DON'T have to settle, you already DID, and look how THAT went. You've been through the horrible. If only ONE person fits your criteria, OH WELL!!! NEVER AGAIN is what I say, not for any of us, so you can pick whatever you want to make it so!

[Associate of Daniel]

Oh, don't get me wrong, Spark!  My list is e x t r e m e l y   long!!

But the top deal breakers are relatively few.

If anyone were to pay me any attention I'd likely run in the opposite direction.

AOD

[Associate of Daniel]

And one thing that I find amusing but also bewildering...

Being now closer to 51 than 50   
I'm realising that the men I'd be interested in look - old(er).  Now there are some men  who look amazing in my age group. (Especially if they're screen actors with the aids of makeup and lighting. Lol) But generally they look like me - plain old 50+ year olds.

I can't get my head around it!

AOD

[SparkStillLit]

AACK!!! SSHHH!!! Yet another thing I think of!!!!
When did THIS happen???

[2_exhausted]

AOD..
I am 56...I had made up a profile on Match years ago..I receive emails every day...I find 95% of the men look OLD... and I am definitely not attracted to them..maybe I look old to them as well. Who knows.

I just made up a list, and it is very long... I will have to add in PD traits.

GOOTF...I think it is terrific that you have actually left dates. I have spent too many dates feeling uncomfortable, and I think if I ever date, which I doubt, I will incorporate this!

[GettingOOTF]

2_exhausted I have had my share of uncomfortable dates I thought I couldn't leave. When I first started dating I would go out with a guy simply because he asked me.  It took me a long time to learn that I could say "no" in all areas of my life

[Wilderhearts]

This has me wondering about my own approach...I've ignored red flags in the past, to my detriment.  I now have a "three strikes you're out" rule when it comes to red flags.  Maybe that's a little too rigid, but it also makes me tune into my gut a whole lot more, which for me is ultimately the more important part of the process.

[Free2Bme]

AOD,  Yes, make and keep your list!  I think it's wise to do this preemptively, anything to avoid a trainwreck.  I also agree that a potential relationship is second to God, this keeps things in proper perspective, IMO.  You are a lovely person, and you deserve a healthy relationship 

I think it's good to keep relationships separate from children until it's a sure thing, it's not fair for a child to get accustomed to someone if they're not going to be around.  But kids (teens) also need to know that Mom is going to be ok and have freedom to grow up without having to worry that she'll be alone forever.

I like the 3- strikes rule that Widerhearts suggested    For those with a history of PD relationships, it's super important to get feedback from close friends about someone we are dating.  A trusted friend might see red flags that I overlook.   

I've been divorced 4 years.  Its been a long, uphill climb to get on my feet, going back to school full-time, getting finances in order, house repairs, etc.  So, I haven't dated, mostly because I am so incredibly busy and exhausted.  I also had to sort out my head, heal, and needed to be available for my kids first and foremost.  Honestly, I am really enjoying being alone. 

I am a young 53, my daughters are nagging me to start dating, especially DD15.  She see's her PD F for what he is and wants me to remarry ASAP, lol.  I see attractive 50ish men and wonder what kind of women they date, probably younger    My updxh is my age, in great shape, and has always looked 10 years younger.  So, this is what my mind is geared toward but I'm not sure if that is going to be the norm when I get into the dating world.   Yes AOD ! so many men look really, really old and it's hard to get my mind around. 

I am a student intern (healthcare), and work at a hospital.  There is a co-worker that has expressed interest recently, it feels strange.  Yesterday, he asked for my last name and said he was trying to find me on social media    I completely froze, side-stepped the question and booked it outta there.    I was super uncomfortable thinking he was searching the internet with my name.  I am very sensitive and reactive to a male knowing my last name, or where I live.  I'm guessing it's because my H stalked me, broke into my home and violated so many boundaries.   However, it's silly for me to think that I can date without  divulging my last name.  I just don't want anyone to mess up my safe little world that I worked so hard to get, i'll have to talk with T about this. 

Has anyone else felt this way ?

The occasions that I have experienced a male showing interest, most have been men that I would not be interested in, at all.   If I am interested then I'm conflicted; part of me wants to give it a chance but most of me wants to RUN really fast.  Internet dating is frightening on so many levels and I am so afraid that my ex would be stalking me on a dating site.    Maybe this is all just my C-PTSD in overdrive, it shouldn't be this complicated   

[SparkStillLit]

Yikes, you guys. I'm not even DOING this, and you say all of the things I'd be freaked out about! I'm super ptivate, and while I know THEY have all my information blah blah and I'm not trying to hide exactly, all my social media ("all" ha ha what little there is) is as privated up as I can make it, and I wouldn't like for anyone to go hunting me up. I want to INVITE you, dammit! Manners! Or is that old ladyish of me. Well, too bad, manners will be on my list, and if nobody has any, then I guess I would date nobody!
That's one of the things around here, we could use a little Emily Post around here. Every time I try to enforce any, though, updh kicks up soooooo much dirt....you know how, with teens, you have to pick which hill you're willing to die on? Well, I'm not gonna die on Ms. Post's hill.
So, if there's ever a next time, by golly MANNERS WILL BE ON THAT LIST.

[Free2Bme]

            

[Associate of Daniel]

Manners.  And maybe a little chivalvy on the side.

You know:  opening doors, holding chairs, walking on the road side of the pavement...

I think I was born about 80 years too late.

AOD

[GettingOOTF]

What I have noticed is that men in my age group don't seem to put as much effort in to how they look as women in my age group.

I'm almost 50. I easily "pass" for 40. I notice women in my age group in my city all look much younger where as most single men look older.

One of the attitudes I've come across in this age range is that as a woman I should simply be grateful that they, a man, are interested in me. That I should put in all this effort to look a certain way to be worthy of their attention where as all they have to do is turn up.

I have been genuinely shocked at some of the men who have turned up on dates. 30lbs heavier and 10 years older than their photos, unkempt, slobby ill-fitting clothes. One guy wore flip flops to a cocktail bar.

A friend talked me into going on a speed dating event for professionals in our age range. It was crazy, all the women were dressed nicely, groomed, had clearly put on some effort and there were men there in sweatshirts. It was supposed to be for professionals. I easily out earned every single man there and I was probably the lowest earning woman there. One woman was a biochemist who ran her own firm, another ran a successful marketing firm that I'd heard about.

I see this played out in the societal narrative around women and men in my age group. That we shouldn't look our age and should simply be grateful for any male attention. I see the lack of willingness to make an effort as a red flag now.

I think dating is hard at any age but each brings its own unique challenges.  And of course those of us recovering from an abusive relationship and working on our self esteem have it even harder.

I have a fairly solid list of dealbreakers and I've become much better at spotting what I'm trying to avoid simply by looking at their profiles and their first few messages but it took work and practice to get here. Overall I've had a great dating experience but I had to push through all the crappy bits to get here.

I tell anyone who asks about dating to be firm in what they are looking for and to treat every date like practice for the next one.  Don't get invested and don't be afraid to walk away. I sat through some pretty atrocious dates in the early days. I don't regret them, the helped me get where I am today.

My therapist said to me "you date to find out what you don't want". That is one of the best pieces of dating advice I've ever been given.

[Associate of Daniel]

Dating?  What's that?  I've never been on a date.

And where does one find anyone to date?

Don't answer... I know. Online. And I should socialise etc etc.

Anyway.

AOD