Kids struggle

[MT]

Hi there,

I've posted in a few other subs first time here (is this the right sub?). My BPDSTBXW has been a bpd my kids whole life. My D was a scapegoat as she was always smarter, more popular, better looks ect. My son the golden child. I was the favorite victim. My STBXW told me she wanted a divorce then proceeded to talk on the phone to her "mom" & "sister" for hrs at a time out back drinking what ever booze was available. My D went out back and noticed a mans voice and told me the next day. Shes 21yr old. In college, smart. I was brutal discarded and we gray rocked for 6 weeks, all the while mom lying about where she was going on EVERY Fri soaked in perfume, all in front of the kids. Gray rock worked and she moved out a month ago. She is embarrassed and doesn't reach out to the kids. Also not supporting us as of Oct 1st. My D initial reaction was strength, now the pain of her mom not being there for her has really started showing. As a father, I dont kniw what to say or how to support her. We all have individual therapy appointments every week, but im really starting to worry about my D. She has always been so strong, but is currently crying every night before bed. Its like the kids were discarded for her AP. I guess I'm looking for advice and support from this community as I've talked with her at length about the ends and outs of PD, but its not helping. What can I do?

[Stepping lightly]

Hi MT,

This is so heartbreaking for your D- a parent walking away is devastating.  It seems like maybe your D is going through the stages of  grief, and currently she may be in the depression stage.  It is hard to see, but if that is the case, she is processing her feelings and working through them.  I think maybe validating her feelings right now is a good idea- not trying to explain the PD or guess at what the future holds, but really allow her to feel whatever her heart is feeling....and making sure she knows you will be there to support her no matter what.

Therapy is definitely the right path. 

How old is your son?  How is he doing?

[MT]

My S will be 17 in a few months. He's ok, but he has agoraphobia as had had it his whole life. Now that we are getting Out of the FOG we are realizing the effects of years of abuse. I have started dinner at the table every day, we Netflix together on a regular basis and hug and kiss goodnight every night. The gravity of this is now very apparent, and am still overwhelmed. Ive been dealing with my own issues, but now seeing the damage and the realization of the road ahead is daunting. I guess it really is one day at a time. 

[Stepping lightly]

You are all dealing with years of damage- it sounds to me like you are taking the right steps to move towards healing.  Keeping hugging, keep talking....it may take time to feel like things are going to be ok, but one foot in front of the other, and it will happen. 

I love the quote, "Happiness can be found even in the darkest of times, when one only remembers to turn on the light" (Albus Dumbledore).  Sometimes we have to look for the light, but it's there- even if it is in the smallest of things....a shared joke, a soft blanket, an afternoon of fresh air.  Keep looking for the little things that ground you, and help your kids look for them too. 

[Free2Bme]

I'm so sorry for you and your children MT. 

It sounds like you are building in good routines, stick with them even if you get discouraged. 

My $.02 ~
I would kindly suggest that you try to include movies with substance, for example, those that illustrate the human spirit prevailing in difficult circumstances (not just a feel good movie).  This can encourage the heart and get us out of our own world a bit.

Also, I found that keeping a gratitude journal was very helpful.  I know it sounds hoaky, but naming things (even small things) to be grateful for daily can balance out some of the negativity and change the focus.

Resist the temptation to disparage their mom, even when she deserves it.  Do it for the kids.

In the future, your children will have drawn close to you and know that you were there for them.

[athene1399]

I am sorry you and your children are going through this, MT. Everyone has already given great advice. This will be a difficult adjustment period for everyone and they will probably work through it in their own ways. But you showing you support them as they work through their feelings is good. Sometimes we have to let ourselves feel bad in order to get through it. I also think it's good everyone has a T. Just showing your children that you love them unconditionally is huge. Often the PD's love has strings attached.