I don't feel trapped....but do sometimes!!!

[Dodo]

I haven't been online in awhile but was just wanting to get a few opinions on my partners behaviour.  If only he would do what I want him to do he would be the perfect man.....lol, I know funny.   But really he is soooo weird about life, experiencing any outings or adventures are just not possible with this man.  I have always been such a busy person, doing things, biking, hiking, skiing and when I went on a dating site after my husband passed away I said I wanted a partner to experience adventures with, travel with and generally share our life with each other.  Well let me tell you I went on lots of coffee dates, had a short lived relationship with someone I was very attracted to but knew it could never be long term.  Then I had a coffee date with my partner and we talked for hours, seemed to have much in common and started seeing each other right away and spent every spare moment with each other.  Why then do I now find myself pissed with him for never doing anything with me, the jealously has stopped on his part, the family issues have subsided but the overwhelming problem is his unwillingness to do anything.  what I want to know is; are possible PD or phobias really that bad so that you can't even go downtown for an evening out, or for that matter do anything?  He did see a therapist once and he said (the Therapist) "is it that you just don't want to do anything"?? He ran with this and now says that he just doesn't want to do anything, he won't get on a ferry ,and airplane or go anywhere that is not within his radius.  He doesn't expect me to live like this (like him) but I find it hard as I'm in a relationship with him so I feel I should be doing things with him, he says why do we have to be attached at the hip?? lol well why do we have to be attached at all!!!

I have complained in the past and it is still the same problem ... although we are not fighting anymore, we have settled into domestic complicity with the Covid and all. We are looking at houses together but I feel like it might not be the best thing to do, our lease is up here after Christmas and I am thinking about leaving then but seem to just let it go on and on because my feelings are so up and down, up and down.

What do you think?  I feel like I will not survive the long term but am not quite ready to leave in these strange times.

[notrightinthehead]

For me, your answer is in your sentence:

If only he would do what I want him to do he would be the perfect man.....

Is it possible that you want your partner to change for you? That you want him to be a person he is not and does not want to be?  That you found yourself a homebody and want to make an adventurer out of him?  If so,   you might be fighting an uphill battle.

[stormbrewing]

IME even if you ever did manage to convince your partner to come along on an adventure with you it would be a totally miserable experience - in order to discourage you from ever asking again.

If your partner gave you the impression when you met and first started that he was into the same things you are, but has since refused to engage with any of these activities, it might be a disconnect between the type of person he sees himself as and the type of person he actually is.

Of course it could also be real fears and phobias preventing him from engaging in activities he would otherwise love to undertake.

Whatever the reason for his behaviour, the reality is that he probably won't change and your decision needs to be based on whether you can continue to live your life this way.

[GettingOOTF]

He is who he is. He is not going to change because he doesn't want to and more importantly he shouldn't have too. He shouldn't have to change every single thing about himself to fit into someone else's life. He's a grown man and has the right to decide how he spends his time and how he interacts with others. No one has the right to force him into things he has has no interest in doing or to dictate the terms of his relationship with others.  You are fighting for something he doesn't want and is not ever going to give to you, and this fight is costing you so much lost opportunity for connection and experiences.  It's eroding your relationship with your own family. All that's happening with him is that he is withdrawing. You are pissed off because you are frustrated and you are frustrated because you are trying to fix a other person who'd doesn't need your fixing.

Every single person you speak to could agree with you and that still doesn't make it ok for you to try to force him into being who and what you want him to be. I have been exactly where you are now. I wasted years of my life trying to force my ex, who had a professionally diagnosed PD, into being something he wasn't and didn't want to be. Through therapy I came to see that my behavior towards my ex was disordered and abusive. Not every behavior of my exes was PD behavior. Some of it was a very valid reaction to my behavior toward him. It wasn't, and isn't,  easy to acknowledge these things about myself but I dealt with my unresolved trauma and my need to control other people. My life is much fuller now.

One of the saddest things is that I look back and see I was the only one suffering. My ex did what he wanted. I got no medals for my suffering. Everyone else just moved on and got on with their lives. I was the one who had to do the hard work of changing and growing to be as satisfied with my life and as confident as my ex was in his choices. I wasted so many precious years and I mourn all the things I missed out on because I chose to focus on changing my ex instead of changing myself.

[tragedy or hope]

agreed,

AND... it works the same for you. You will not change, nor should you. You get to be all that you are. Perhaps a friendship can continue after you part at Christmas.

Even if he says he will change... he will not. Think of how hard it is for you to change one small habit let alone a whole way of life. Change is uncomfortable good or bad. He may have some kind of agoraphobia regarding going out socially or whatever. Who knows. That is not your job.

If you have lost a spouse, you deserve not to have to pretzel yourself into another relationship that does not work FOR YOU. You are the one who is in charge of your life. He will be a constant sadness. Do you want that? Haven't your grieved enough?

You sound like you would be a wonderful partner for an adventurous person. Don't settle. Life is way too short. All of our days are numbered.  Make yours as happy as you are able.

moving on can be an adventure too. 

[Dodo]

yes I guess it is all a deal breaker, I have to tell you I didn't know the extent of his stuff.  We moved in together 6 months after dating, mostly I think because I was lonely, but he never divulged all of his problems.  I found out after the move in about his fear of flying but everything else he just kept making up excuses until he finally told me he didn't do the ferries plus it took me another year to find out he wouldn't do anything else.  Yes I know I can't change him and I have come to the conclusion that I would not want to, it has to be his idea, and I am old enough and smart enough (it took awhile) to know this. 

[GettingOOTF]

People never proactively divulge their issues. We have to discover them ourselves. I have moved in with people early on in the relationship and I’ve come to see it as a red flag. I’m not sure if I will ever move in with someone again and if I do I will make sure I have an easy out, for example my name won’t be on any lease and I won’t let someone move in to somewhere I own. In many ways moving in is a trap for many women, especially as we get older. You can’t simply walk away when your name is on the lease so abusers have an entire year to wear you down.

I totally get moving in with someone because you are lonely. My being lonely is responsible for all of my relationships and my marriage. I have spent time working on myself and I’m happy alone and in my own company now. Any partner has to add to my life and I find it much easier now to identify red flags and walk away but some people are better at hiding them than others that’s why the advice is to take things really slowly. A stable, healthy person looking for a stable, healthy, reciprocal relationship will understand that and want the same thing.

A big risk for middle aged and older women is a group of men looking for “a nurse and a purse”. I have developed a mental checklist to make sure that peole I date do not fall on to this category. I love to do things, I’m an active, fun person. Anyone I date just have a circle of friends, a hobby they are passionate about and must talk enthusiastically about activists they do when I’m not around. People are good at covering up their issues and being who they think you want them to be in the beginning. I never ask direct questions about things I want to know about someone on dates. People know how and when to lie. I’ve become very good at getting people to talk about themselves. They let things about themselves slip and then you can figure out if it’s a deal breaker or not.

I was so unhappy and frustrated in my marriage that it wore me down. Once I left I became who I really am and now I organically attract people more like me. My life naturally became fuller.

If you do leave this man and start doing things you love you will meet other people. Once I left I had so much more energy and attention to devote to other areas of my life.

One thing I have learned is that we have to accept people for who they are or leave. And that’s not just PDs, it’s everyone. I had an amazing relationship with someone who was more than I ever thought I’d have in all areas except one. That one was very important to me and I knew deep down I couldn’t live with it so I walked away. It was the hardest thing I’ve ever done but I know I cannot change another person and it’s wrong of me to try. It still doesn’t feel like it but I know it’s for the best.

None of this is easy. You sound like me in that you didn’t have much dating experience and that you were married for a long time. There is a lot to learn and undo in dating. It takes time and a lot of practice. You will get there.

If you decide to stay or leave I recommend Codependent No More and working on your boundaries and your dealbreakers and then practice implementing them.

[Dodo]

Out of the FOG
You are so right, I know all these points and I would am getting use to the idea of living alone and working on myself, I feel my partner is looking for a nurse maid / cook / housewife, he says he appreciates all I do but I honestly don't care it doesn't mean nothing to me when he says this. He vacuums and does the lawn and cleans the garage, takes out the bins and thinks I should be grateful ... lol. 
The lease can maybe be broken but I am waiting till the New Year to sell my condo (all mine) and move on.  I feel somewhat sneaky or not honest with him about my plans but its just not the right time now.  The Covid has put a hold on everything....I still have feelings for him but when I was away in the summer with my family I monitored myself to see if I missed him and I did not, I only felt that thank god his is not here as he would disapprove of this that and pretty much everything.  You are brave and smart for getting out of relationships that aren't fulfilling your needs and lifestyle, hopefully I can move on too.