Seeing the Future. Not pretty.

[tommom]

I have recently had surgery, hernia surgery. It didn't go as easily I I believed it would. I got a picture of what life would be like with me on the "needing care" side.

My PDh had a life-threatening illness a few years ago and I stepped up, as any spouse would (maybe!) to care for him. This short stint (3 weeks) of being incapacitated has shown me exactly what things would be like if I were in that place and it has left me feeling with questions about what might happen.

I found it extremely disturbing. The house is an absolute wreck, left for me to do. If I asked or suggested that he put some towels in the laundry

[tommom]

Sorry....if I suggested something, it didn't get done. My house is horrible and I have it to face now after I recover fully.

Just really was wondering if anyone else had been there or might have some input.

[GettingOOTF]

After my divorce I had to have a fairly major surgery. I live alone and I was stressed about it. Recovery was so hard. I cried almost every day for the first two weeks. I was in pain, had extremely limited mobility and no one to help me with basic tasks. Going to the bathroom was a huge production for example.

During all of this I realized how grateful I was that I was no longer married to my ex. He was in a very serious accident. I nursed him for months. Did everything he needed, including helping him with bathing and using the bathroom. The few times I was sick were similar to what you described. The place was a mess, everything was left for me and he'd go out for hours to eat meals out, meet up with friends etc. His reason? "I don't want to disturb you, you need your rest".  I was left to fend for myself and then clean up once I was well. When he was home he'd complain about how stressed and tired he was taking care of me and I'd feel sorry for him and go out of it way not to ask him for anything.

I look back and I see that if I'd ever got seriously ill or incapacitated he'd be no help and I'd likely be in danger.

He has shown you who he is. Next time you will know and can prepare, like bringing in a cleaner, using a meal service etc.

Reading your post made me angry as it brought back exactly how frustrated and helpless I felt, how my marriage was the furthest thing from a partnership and how tiny I tried to make my very normal needs.

[SparkStillLit]

Ohhhhh sister. I had hip surgery. I refused home medical care because I had an able bodied adult family member at home with some medical knowledge even, to help.
AH HA HA HA HA!!!!!
Yeah. No. That lasted a few days. I got left in bed on purpose. I very nearly wrecked myself trying to pee. I found a new upper body strength because I very desperately didn't want attractive firemen to find me half naked and unconscious, wedged in between the sink and toilet. It was horrible.
I learned to clean house from a wheelchair. I did one legged squats to do laundry. My butt cheeks will NEVER be even. The kids helped, but they were little.
I need hip surgery again soon. 6-8 years, I hope I can push it that far, but it's getting kind of grouchy in there.
I WILL be having the home care and I WILL be having household help. Pardon my crudity, but FUCK THAT NOISE. NEVER AGAIN.

Eta: I know I'm teasing around a lot in my post, but it's serious that someone will leave you helpless on purpose, won't take over your duties, etc. It's even dangerous, or can lead there. Who leaves the helpless to fend for themselves. Who won't step up to help the....undercapacitated (it's a new word I just made up). It's terrible. It makes me think about my old age in a new way.

[11JB68]

I can relate to this. I had an injury several years ago (10+?)
Surgery, long recovery.
When the Dr told me what was needed I sobbed in his office because I.DO. EVERYTHING.
It was as bad as I imagined, though not as bad as some of you have had it thankfully.
Updh was so angry that he had to 'do everything' (yet he didn't... It was summer, no homework, no school meetings, no getting ds ready in the am, no sports...)
He started throwing clean laundry at me to fold.
Bed was never made.
Towards the end I couldn't figure out why the bathroom smelled so bad... He had not put his own bath towel in the wash all summer... The musty/mildewy smell...ugh.
It was a time in my life where, if I weren't so completely dependent I probably would have left.
I do worry what would happen if I got seriously ill...

[blunk]

I had foot surgery about 15 years ago, I spent 6 weeks in a hard cast and 6 weeks in a boot. The total of his help in all of that time was driving me home, picking up my prescription, and taping a garbage bag around my cast the first time I took a shower. Never cooked a meal, never cleaned the house. Luckily I had enough mobility to be able to do it, but certainly with a lot more effort than it would have taken for him to do it.

We lived on the 3rd floor of a 3 family home (so no elevator). When we got home he just walked up the stairs leaving me to scoot up on my butt. I couldn't use the crutches yet as the surgery was outpatient and I was still woozy from the anesthesia. After a couple of hours I started to have pain, he didn't even want to get up to get me a glass of water to take the pain meds. While in the kitchen, I nearly passed out and had to pull a chair over to me so I didn't hit the floor. His comment, wow, you went white as a sheet for a second there.

My first follow-up exam, his mother had offered to drive me. On the day of, I asked what time she was coming. He said that he told her not to bother, that I could handle it on my own. It was my left foot so I could drive, but as it was in an office park I had a long haul each way to and from the office. Luckily, the pain meds didn't agree with me, and I was only taking Tylenol.

I was expected to do the grocery shopping, and get the food upstairs. Luckily our downstairs neighbor would help. Laundry had to be done, that was in the basement. Down was easy, I'd make sure all of the other tenants were out and let the basket slide down the stairs, up was a much bigger challenge. On the plus side...there was a railing on each side so I could move the basket up a couple of stairs at a time and hop up using my arms.

The flip side was that when he was hospitalized for a heart issue, I stayed there with him for 5 days straight, taking cat-naps in the family waiting room, and going home twice a day for an hour to shower and care for the dog. Once he was home he couldn't do anything (that he didn't want to do). There were recurrences over the years, and after one of them he went directly from the hospital to his friend's annual poker game against the doc's recommendations. He rolled in at around 4 in the morning, and upon waking was, of course, fully incapacitated again. UGH!

[Free2Bme]

My experience was different.  I had major surgery several years ago (when still married). 

The nightmare started at the hospital on the day I was released, H picked an argument with me in my hospital room and verbally abused me to the point I was sobbing when the nurse wheeled me out of the hospital.   He continued berating me in the car on the way home, then tore into children when we got home, putting everyone on edge.  My mother was staying with us for a couple days to help me, she witnessed this but couldn't process it as abuse. 

H then triangulated my M against me and DD17 walked in on them gossiping.  She called them out and said you shouldn't be speaking about my mother this way, especially when she's in pain and needing care.  When I asked M why she was doing this, she packed up and left.  The children were crying, I was crying.  All this within 24 hours after discharge. 

The next day, I needed help bathing.  H was helping me in shower and began violently scrubbing me (purposely) and squeezing my arm to the point of pain.  It was jarring my whole body, and I had to ask him to stop. I believe he was taking out his anger/contempt for me because he hated that I was in a weakened state (misogyny).  It felt like punishment.   He continued until I told him to leave the bathroom.  He got very angry.

For 2 days, H kept up with house, laundry, meals, kids, etc.  Everything was spotless.  But I was left alone, he ignored me.  If I needed something, my children helped me. They were so sweet and kind.

H was scheduled to have the following week off of work.  He told me that I needed to apologize to him and ask (beg) him to stay home with me, and if I didn't apologize to his standards that he was going to go back to work and I could go it alone. 

If I would have confronted him about his behavior, I believe he would have told me "you are so ungrateful, look at all I did for you......on and on".  I didn't bother, I told him to go back to work. 

This was step one coming out of FOG for me. 
I realized that if I were to stay with him, that next time he would neglect to give me basic care -best case scenario.  But deep down, I feared that he would harm me if I depended on him for care.  I could not imagine growing old with him after this.

[GettingOOTF]

I had a second, different surgery. With all the money I now save from not having my ex spend it on alcohol, going out, hobbies and who knows what else I was able to pay someone to come over and take care of the animals, someone to clean the house, a meal service and a bunch of other stuff to make my recovery comfortable. It was only suggested afterwards and I didn’t think of it, but I also could have afforded to have a nurse come over and help me with personal care and pain management. It was so hard to keep on top of the pain the first night as I was so groggy and in so much pain.

My last surgery I hired a lovely young lady to pick me up, fill my prescriptions etc.

We get so caught up in our situation that it’s difficult to see what other options are out there for us.

I’m having a much more minor surgery soon. A friend is coming to collect me and I have bought and prepared a lot of little things that will make my recovery feel more like a restful vacation than the massive ball of stress and drama it has been in the past.

Edited to add I am actually looking forward to a week of lying around, letting my body heal and knowing all my needs will be lovingly taken care of. THIS is what a recovery should be.